See? I told you I'd be back, and, as promised, here I am.
Of course, my mind is still as empty as a bottle of paste in a room full of malnourished kindergarten kids. But, I'll just kind of ramble on in the hopes of getting this tired, old motor started again.
First, the weather:
It's actually nice here. It's warm, and all the snow is slowly melting into my basement. I don't mind so much because, it's warm! And, though I didn't invite this crap into my house, here it is. But, still... It's forty freakin' degrees outside, and in this part of the world, that's warm.
Now, unfortunately, I don't have any plans for the day. In a way, that's actually a fine thing since I've realized that I am pretty much useless in any temperature under sixty-five degrees, and so long as the furnace is still growling in the basement, and the environment is filled with an ambiance of cold, thick dampness, I'm still sort of achy, sore, and grumpy enough to punt squirrels, rabbits and sundry neighborhood wildlife over the fence in the backyard.
What? I can be mean.
Of course, actually trying to boot the invading rodents out of the yard is a whole different kettle of fish, and one that would probably find me falling square on my sore ass in the muck and mire than actually getting rid of the unwanted pests.
On the other hand, I actually DID catch a mouse a while back (and subsequently spent the last week cleaning tiny mouse turds out of every freakin' nook and cranny of my kitchen). Apparently, this was a very smart mouse, and I think when he rolled in from the cold, his first order of business was to befriend the cats. I don't know what sort of deal he worked out, but it must have been a pretty sweet one as the freakin' rodent was allowed to run carte blanche around the kitchen to collect whatever food he could from right beneath their kitty noses.
Nonetheless, I was humane about it, and caught the mouse with a little peanut butter in a "Tippy Trap" which worked really well. The next day, I had a little plastic tube with a mouse inside, and insofar as I could have called Richard Gere, I decided to drive a couple of miles away to let the poor rodent run free in the frigid world of the park.
Of course, this didn't prevent me from messing with my oldest brother's head.
"You caught a mouse?"
"Yep. I caught a mouse."
"You know you're supposed to get rid of it at least a mile from your house, right?"
"Yes."
"Otherwise they'll find their way back."
"Yep."
"So, where'd you dump him?"
"In your front yard."
"What?"
"Well, you live at least a mile away, and you don't have any pets."
"You didn't, did you? I'll kill it."
"I told him to say hi to you for me."
"Well, this place is pretty mouse proof."
"I gave him a key. You know, the one you gave me that I never use?"
"Now you're just being a dick."
"Yep."
"Seriously. Where'd you dump him?"
"In the park."
"Which park?"
"The one at the end of your street. It's two miles from my house, and about a hundred yards from your house. Good luck, man. Lock the doors."
-DP
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Posted By Dan to The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind at 3/02/2008 11:02:00 AM
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LMAO!!!!! Love the phone call with your brother. I knew I liked you for some reason, you even caught a mouse the nice way! How many men are willing to go THAT extra mile. I'm telling you, the (ex?) girlfriend doesn't know what she's missing. My husband would sooner kill them than trap them but knows I'd be horrified to walk into the kitchen to a suffering mouse in a trap or worse yet, a mouse in a trap that's been half eaten by the cats who were too worthless to catch it while it was alive! It's muddy as shit here too. I hate winter but some days spring sucks pretty bad too. I have seven dogs and they can track in some mud!
ReplyDeleteJamie
Oh yeah, GLAD you're FINALLY back!!!