Well, it seems I've been forced to take a vacation from my online chatter since my computer is in the shop (again!).
Hopefully, I'll be back by Friday.
P.S. Keep those emails coming. It's great to hear from y'all.
Zounds! It would seem I've broken several obscure laws in my great state of Wisconsin --where margarine was once illegal (yeehaa! I hate margarine).
Aside from that, I can't wait until Paul Cameron finds out: "In Wisconsin you are allowed to marry your house."
So, go to CrazyLaws.com - Dumb Laws and see just how guilty you are in your own state. And, as for me, I'm going to do my best not to wake any sleeping firemen, or eat any apple-pie sans cheese.
1,500 Venezuelans Pose Nude in Public
You appreciate a good beer, but you're not a snob about it.
You like your beer mild and easy to drink, so you can concentrate on being drunk.
Overall, you're a friendly drunk who's likely to buy a whole round for your friends... many times.
Sometimes you can be a bit boring when you drink. You may be prone to go on about topics no one cares about.
I swiped this off of Paul's blog, Aurora Walking Vacation. Fortunately, I didn't wind up with a Molson's personality. If that had happened, I would have jumped off a bridge.
And, since it's St. Patrick's Day, and since I found this on Rachael and Kimo's blog, I figured I'd slap it up here for all who wander in.
You're very Irish, and most likely from Ireland.
(And if you're not, you should be!)
I hope you're all having a great St. Pat's Day. Ummm... Hoist a Guinness and try not to break anything! And, if you are out tonight and you see me, please pick me up off the floor and put me back in my stool.
I think I've had enough of this winter thing. I've not seen the sun in so long, I think I've got moss growing on the back of my neck. However, the good news is that me and my mossy-green neck will fit right in with tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day parties (See? I'm always looking on the bright side, ya know?).
It rained here last night. Actually, that's kind of an understatement. It friggin' poured here last night with no end of blistering flashes of lightning and window-rattling thunder. Normally, I love lying in bed listening to the life-threatening weather. I don't know why, but I always seem to sleep better when Mother Nature smacks us around a bit. But, there's a price to pay for such blissful slumber.
When I stepped into the basement to get to working this morning, I had to stop and wonder if I didn't actually wake up to find myself in a WWII submarine movie. The only thing missing was a chain-smoking, grease-covered German named Dieter telling me that we are utterly screwed. There were puddles and ponds everywhere, and the poor dehumidifier just sat wheezing and twitching like a terrified mouse that's been backed into a corner.
Oh well... Today is apparently "Mop Day." And, in my world, that's a sign that spring is just around the corner. Yippee!
"I'm scared of God's judgment on man in this fallen world. most people forget about God"
--Comment from rayg257 - 3/10/06 8:22 PM
Now, I don't know if y'all caught this comment in my "Things That Scare Me" entry, but for a while now today, I've been contemplating this statement. It's puzzling.
I simply don't understand why or how someone could fear something that, by its very definition is benevolent, and therefore, all good.
On top of that, I hardly think this world has "fallen." In fact, I think in the overall arena of "sin," we're better off today than we were in the days when humanity burned supposed witches and heretics at the stake --unless, of course, you think The Inquisition was actually a "good" thing.
Now, I got this idea from Dornbrau's Dust Bunny blog, in which she explained how she's working on conquering her fear of spiders. So, I figured I'd ramble about those things out there that utterly terrify me. If any therapists stumble across this, feel free to help me. Lord knows I could really use it.
It's the end of the world. I know it is. There's something tremendously askew with the universe when I wake up in the morning and check my mail and find this:
Indeed, friends. These are certainly dark times. What's next? Will John Tesh rob a bank?
I'm well-aware that there is a litany of things in this world which I should never attempt. For example, from childhood, I've always been told that it's usually in my best interest not to grab a fork and jab wildly at the charred remains of an English muffin that my evil toaster has decided to murder for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Does that stop me? No. Why? Because I'm an idiot. This should be clear to you all by now. I can barely operate a garden hose without the threat of self-strangulation hovering over me. Trust me. The simple fact that I can tie my shoes without drooling and falling over into a spastic, chattering mess is the only thing keeping me from being institutionalized.
It's the little things that make me proud.
Anyway, with that in mind, let's go bowling. Yes! I know. Bowling!
Where I live, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a bowling alley. You'd think it'd be in my genetic make-up to be a fairly good bowler, wouldn't you? After all, how hard can it be? It's nothing more than rolling a ball down an alley and knocking things over, and I am really good at knocking things over. I do that several times a day. Heck! Any moron could do this bowling thing.
So, I put on my shoes (without falling down, and I'm proud of life's little accomplishments), and I go search the racks for a ball. I pick a flat-black ball that doesn't weigh a heck of a lot because I don't want to kill anyone should it go flinging out of my hand into the crowd that has gathered to watch the "special person" bowl.
My first shot was a strike, and I'm thinking, See, moron? This really is easy.
Chuck, my "friend" who dragged me into this place said, "See? Ya' ringer, it's like riding a bike!"
Obviously, Chuck didn't know that, not only do I have issues with toasters, shoes and garden-hoses, bikes are also on that list of man-made devices which will possibly lead to my eventual demise. In fact, in my world, the only thing more dangerous than bikes are stationary bikes. Put me on one of those, and it's only a matter of time before a tanker-truck full of gas comes crashing through the living room wall and I explode in a horrible, fiery accident. But, I digress... This is about bowling.
After my first strike, I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Granted, I'm not like some scruffy twit standing on the bow of the Titanic bellowing "I'm king of the world!" No. I'm more humble than that. I was just looking at the unfortunate folks bowling against me, and I was thinking I so totally own you! Ha!
Do you, remember that whole bike thing? Yeah. The wheels fell off, and I found myself flung ass over tea-kettle into an episode that involved a very dumb, clumsy man (me) and enough gutters to rebuild the Roman Aquaduct. I sucked, and I sucked bad.
The end result was my putting up the massive score of 43. I know what you're thinking. "43!?! A dead person could bowl at least a 90. My friggin' goldfish is better than you. You really are a moron. Sheesh. 43?!? How do you live with yourself?"
It's not easy.
The good news is that I know I am not a bowler, and I will probably never be a bowler. And, more importantly, no one was injured, and I trundled off with the tattered remains of my manhood and an aching desire to take up something easier like golf. How tough can golf be? It's a ball, a club and a hole. Any moron could play that game.
We've all gotten them, haven't we? The second we sit down and hop online, we are greeted with a barrage of instant messages with an incessant little "bling."
Yesterday, I made the unfortunate mistake of turning off my "filter" which says that only those people I want to talk to are able to reach me. Even worse, I unknowingly turned it off in the afternoon when school usually lets out. Zounds! The whole event was brutal.
IM Sender: hi a/s/l
Me: 98/ What's sex? / I think I'm in the home my children put me in so they could forget about me? Are you my grandson? Can I have some pudding?
They seem to leave me alone after that sort of thing. Unfortunately, another bored child comes out of the blue and the barrage continues:
IM Sender: who r u
Me: I'm Batman!
IM Sender: huh
Me: Is there a problem citizen? Do you need Batman?
IM Sender: huh
Me: Curse you Riddler! You poor, sick, deluded child. Batman is too late.
I won't bore you with the rest of the conversation. It just always seems to go downhill from there. And then another one pops up:
IM Sender: Hi there. My name's Jessica and my friend and I just got a webcam. Check us out!
Me: Do you like Malt-o-Meal?
Yeah... I know those sorts of IM's are just a "one-shot" deal, and I never expect, or even want, a response. Still... The thought of "Jessica" out there somewhere contemplating a bowl of Malt-o-Meal makes me giggle.
Other than that, I seem to get a ton of IM's looking for homework help for some bizarre reason.
IM Sender: HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Cut the red wire! No, WAIT. Is there a yellow wire?
IM Sender: wut???????????????
Me: Is there a yellow wire dammit! Cut the yellow wire!
IM Sender: can u help me??????????
Me: Is there a green wire?
IM Sender: 4get u bye
I know. I feel horrible for torturing these kids.
Well, he's at it again, folks. John Scalzi has given any and all takers the assignment of naming a talent that we don't have that we wish we did have. I'm kind of new to this sort of thing, but I had a good time with the Future stuff, so I figure I can give this one a go.
Now, insofar as it'd be pretty cool to be able to lick my own ears, I think the one talent I would most like to have would have to be pastry. I wish I could make pastry. I mean, a guy could make a lot of friends with a simple batch of chocolate eclairs.
Moreover, with some mad pastry skills, I could show up at a woman's house on a date, and instead of handing over a bunch of flowers which would die anyway, I can hand her a sack of cream-puffs that are guaranteed to pack on more than enough pounds to easily last a heck of a lot longer than any old bunch of flowers. Needless to say, she'd definitely remember me for a very long time.
Also, consider the speeding tickets I could get out of by simply, slyly handing the offended officer a dozen danish or two. Oh yes... I would be above the law with this talent, and it's clear the world would be mine... mine... mine.. hahahaaaa!!!!
Now, as for the extra-credit portion of the gig, John wants to know a completely useless talent I possess, and though I probably shouldn't tell you this, I can pick up things, pinch people wickedly hard, and break pencils with my toes.
Is there any wonder why a monkey like me would turn to a life of pastry?
Well... It seems that the "Don" of Domino's Pizza, Thomas S. Monaghan, has decided to establish a town called Ave Maria with a welcome sign that essentially reads: "Catholics Only."
Kevin Bacon? We're calling you out! Put on your Footloose sneakers and get thee to Florida.
So, what are the supposed perks of the town? Well, aside from unlimited bingo, there'll be no place to buy birth control or pornography --in other words, there will be no 7-11's in the town of Ave Maria. And, there will be no x-rated movies shown on cable TV (yeah, right!). No porn in Florida? Good luck with that, okay?
What will this quaint, little village look like? Well, here's a description:
"The town and the university . . . . will be set on 5,000 acres with a European-inspired town center, a massive church and what planners call the largest crucifix in the nation, at nearly 65 feet tall. Monaghan envisions 11,000 homes and 20,000 residents."
Now, I wonder what "European-inspired town center" they're modeling it after: Rome? Or could it possibly be the friendly, tolerant town of Munster, Germany where they had an odd habit of torturing people and leaving their bodies to rot in cages as they dangle from the church spires?
And a 65 foot tall crucifix?!? What the....? WHY?
Sometimes, I just have to shake my head. But, hey! Why should I worry? "Jeb Bush lauds it as a place where faith and freedom can thrive"
I mean, who better to ask about freedom than a member of the Bush family, right?
Egads! Now, I'm not going to whine too much, nor am I going to give you the gruesome details that comes from being betrayed by a burrito supreme with more fight than a short-changed Tijuana prostitute. However, I will tell you that I have exactly 328 tiles on the floor of my bathroom, and the instructions on the back of a box of dental floss can lead one into no end of existential meditations.
Of course, I blame Mexico for this. You brought your tasty culinary delights into this country and expected us to actually cook it in a way that wouldn't kill us. Don't take it personally. I also blame Guatemala for a brush with death involving a roasted-goat and some deep-fried yucca. And, not to be anti-south-o-the-border, I also have some angst for China as a result of the time I almost bled to death while assembling a bike stand (For future reference China, I do not have the delicate fingers of a seamstress).
Oh well... I s'pose it's time to go peruse the directions on the shampoo bottle before I send my resume to the United Nations.
In it, he discussed how the Christian Right is, for lack of a better word, contributing to the number of cases of cervical cancer in this country by prohibiting the innoculation of our children against a Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD) known as Human Papilloma Virus (HPV). It's definitely worth taking a look at.
Call me crazy, but I think it's horribly wrong to condemn our future generations to a possible, painful death based solely upon the irrelevant squawking of proselytizing pseudo-Christian ninnies. What do you think?
Now, the entry itself is a very articulate piece on just one of the myriad of hazards in allowing a specific religious belief to interfere with the health and safety of the overall population (after all, it's painfully clear that very few people grasp the concept that not onlydo our First Amendment rights grant us freedom of religion, it also grants us freedom FROM religion).
Throughout history, the conflict between science and religion has been a prime example of the collision of the proverbial unstoppable-force and the immovable-object. And, now there is a way to prevent a specific form of cancer which could benefit humanity, and Christians are getting in the way simply because it carries with it the stigma of a sexually transmitted disease, and they apparently know what God thinks about sex. Even crazier, their skewed logic is stating that if we innoculate our children against this virus, we are somehow encouraging them to have sex. It's infuriating to see how the twisted beliefs of this irrelevant religion (and yes! In terms of government legislation, ALL religious beliefs are irrelevant) is still striving to control the lives and beliefs of not just a few followers, but the entire friggin' nation.
Now, don't get me wrong, I do respect ALL religious beliefs, and I favor none over the other. However, as an American, when I see those beliefs seeking to trample upon the rights of others in persuit of a Theocracy, I see that sort of thing as treasonous and utterly wrong. Where do Christians get this notion that they are somehowmore "important" than any other religion in this country? Are they under the impression that numbers somehow matter in this case?
Moreover, if this country is ever going to succeed and survive, Conservative Christians desperately need to learn that they are not the sole religion in this country, and they need to learn to respect the beliefs and lives of others. After all, so long as there is a single individual within this country's boarders who believes differently from Christian dogma, then that person's First Amendment Rights deserve to be respected. Otherwise, we're right back in the same old mess this country's very first settlers sought to escape.
Enough for now,
I saw this story on the news today, and it made me gape at my television like a stunned fish.
"Characters From 'The Simpsons' More Well Known to Americans Than Their First Amendment Freedoms, Survey Finds"
Now, I'm not saying that people should know every single tidbit contained in the Bill of Rights, but let's use a little common sense, folks! Take a look at some of the following excerpts from the article:
"Ironically, more than one-third of Americans (38 percent) incorrectly believe that the right against self-incrimination at trial -- commonly called "taking the 5th Amendment" because that is its source -- is a right granted by the First Amendment."
Okay. I s'pose that's not tremendously bad, is it? I mean, when I say that I plead the Fifth, what I really mean is... umm... well... Oh, forget it!
There's much more too:
"About one in five Americans (21 percent) agreed that the First Amendment granted them the right to own and raise pets, something that isn't discussed anywhere in the U.S. Constitution or Bill of Rights."
Yeah. That makes sense. Somewhere?
And now, my personal favorite (you'll love this one):
"One in five also believe that the right to drive is guaranteed by the First Amendment, although the car was not invented for another 100 years."
ONE in FIVE?!?! Jeeze! Just how bad IS the crack problem in this country if twenty-one percent of Americans think this way?
On the other hand, in defense of my fellow Americans, I agree with John Scalzi when he says, "However, perhaps people aren't really to blame: The Bill of Rights isn't on TV twice a day, like The Simpsons is."
But still, the "Right to Drive?!?"
Oh well, this sort of thing has me counting all the Canadian currency that's mistakenly found its way into my pockets over the years, learn the metric system, and take off to the "Great White North." I'm not sure, but I think I also have the "Right to Drive" up there, don't I?