Wednesday, January 31, 2007


Schlitz, baby!

    Here's my "funky" light for John Scalzi's Monday Photo Shoot

    My grandfather used to own and operate a blue-collar factory bar way, way back in the days before, during, and after the Great Depression, and after he'd passed away, he left us with a mountain of old beer signs and lights and other bar stuff.  I'm not exactly sure how old this Schlitz beer light is, but it's always been one of my favorite things.  I just like the look of it and the fact that there's a huge star showing everyone exactly where Milwaukee is. 

Beer City!    It's not the oldest thing in the collection, however.  There are some really ancient Pabst Blue Ribbon, Miller, Blatz and god knows what other crappy beer up in lights.  Some of them work fine, and others are an absolute fire-hazard. 

    For example, I plugged the Pabst choo-choo train light in a while back and the little locomotive wiggled a bit before I started to hear buzzing and saw hypnotizing blue arcs of light coming from the plug.  Fun stuff. 

    Oh well...  If nothing else, it's a pretty light and a little slice of Milwaukee's beer-making history.  Plus, it was a lot easier taking a picture of this light than it was trying to snap a picture of the wickedly bright, red, jewel light on my Fender Twin Amplifier. 


Tales From Gripe City!

    Now, I meant to get to the Gripe Line responses yesterday, but it's been such an odd week on this end, and I am just getting to it now.  First, it was the ice, and I think I chipped enough off the roof to make a hell of a lot of margaritas.  Unfortunately, with it being three degrees and all, margaritas aren't that attractive, ya know? 

    Then, once the ice was gone, my laptop was acting up because, well, you know all that "free trial" nonsense they pack onto a machine?  Yeah.  It all seems to be expiring at the same time.  So, I was poking around deleting everything unneeded (who knew I had a cheesy pirate game on there?). 

    Anyway, everything's back to, umm, normal.   So, here's a week's worth of gripes for your reading pleasure.  I hope you enjoy.

Honey, baby, sweetie    
January 23rd 2007
10:17:14 AM

My gripe is:
(well it asked what I like to be called so...) Anywho, I think the new AOL Welcome screen sucks. How 'bout you? Is yours as screwed up as mine? There's a curser in the photo to the left of the Google search box and I can actually type on the screen.

    It seems that AOL makes a lot ofchanges for the worst, doesn't it?  I mean, the message boards are irrevocably messed up.  So, once they finished making a mess of that, they turned their attention to the Welcome Screen.  I'm not sure what the logic is behind their madness, but it reminds me of the time my former neighbor tried to install a sunroof on his old Chevy Citation.  I think he learned that day that it's not a good idea to measure the outside edge, and when he dropped the shiny new sunroof into his rusted little heap, it fell cleanly through the oversized hole and shattered on the stick shift.  I still laugh at that.  I'm an evil man.

    Anyway, if you're using the AOL client and don't like the new Welcome Screen, Dawn from Carpe Diem has a pretty simple fix to the problem.  So, give it a whirl and let me know how it works. 

    P.S.  I love the name. 


January 23rd 2007
04:21:40 PM

My gripe is:
Another thing to gripe about, why does every station HAVE to show the president. I understand that years and years ago it was necessary, but now? Make them do it round robin style... spare us.

    Ahhh...  The pain!  It burns us!  I also think it would be great if only one channel carried it at a time, but then we'd never know how dense the folks at Fox are.  I TiVo'd their coverage and watched it a little later.  It's fun to see those weak, little tabloid-news washouts turn into such groveling, boot-licking lackeys.  It always reminds me of the cartoon with Spike the big dog and his chattering little sycophant prattling right along side him.  Seriously, I think it's only a matter of time before Sean Hannity starts dry-humping Dick Cheney's leg. 

    However, since I had to watch, I caught it on CSpan, so it wasn't too bad. 

January 25th 2007
08:35:49 AM

My gripe is:
3#@#$%Q@#!#$!#$!$ Tech Help, what the **** is the deal with them. Your passed from one person to another. Eventually you get annoyed enough for figure it out for yourself. What the ****!!!! And they are getting paid because???? How about everytime I have to do their job, I get paid. That sounds like it would be a sweet deal since I'm doing thier job anyway!!!!!! Indigo

    Yeah...  I've learned a lot about computer maintenance from the neglect of tech support.  But, a fun thing to do is act very drunk and really stupid when you call them.  It makes them explain the same thing in about fifty different ways, and it's a lot of fun to frustrate the living hell out of them with feigned stupidity. 

January 25th 2007
11:19:09 AM

My gripe is:
Dan????? Where are ya? Did the Republicans come and install a mute button after you dissed the prez?

    Ooo...  You should have seen the mail I got.  Apparently, I've been reported to the FBI, Homeland Security, and one unhappy Neo-Conservative knuckle-dragger even called me a tool for the Communist AARP.  I think he got his acronyms confused, but damn was that funny, and in light of the fractured grammar and atrocious spelling of the emails, I'm thinking they were all written by a Third Grade Special-Ed class somewhere.    

January 27th 2007
09:02:46 AM

My gripe is:
Hey AOL, where are my 'lerts? WTH?

    All your 'lerts are belong to us! 


Tuesday, January 30, 2007


    Hey all, I'm having computer issues today, but I promise I will get around to the things I've been meaning to get around to --just as soon as I get around to them. 

    But, it's actually a pretty great day on this end, and I really feel the need to congratulate my wickedly-fun friend Jenn (she of Jenn's World --a blog that is way over due for an update).  A short time ago, I got a text message from her notifying me that she gave birth to her second child, and she's doing well (I love technology). 

    Congratulations Jenn!  Rest up, and I am happy to hear that mommy and munchkin are doing well, wild and wonderful. 

    Other than that, I'm going to make some beef-barley-beer stew.  Mmmm...  Meat and beer in the same pot?!?  Is this magic? 


Monday, January 29, 2007

This is Neat.

    From the folks at BoingBoing, here's a link to a site with a real-time updating map of current emergency reports from around the globe.  It's pretty cool to see what's going on out there from earthquakes and erupting volcanoes to potential avian-flu outbreaks, traffic accidents and bee attacks.  Plus, you can click on an icon to get a more in-depth report of the emergency. 

     That's pretty cool, huh?


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Happy Monday!

    Well, I should write something on here today so you all don't forget I exist and stuff.  But, unfortunately, I have no idea what to whine write about.  It's been busy, busy here.

    Saturday's date was fun.  It wasn't anything earth-shatteringly stupendous with sparks, fireworks or handguns, but it was a nice time, and I had a really hilarious conversation with a very beautiful lady. 
    Other than that, however, today I have a wicked cold, and I've been trying to deal with a massive ice-dam on the roof before it works its way under the roof and into my front hall.  Man.  That's annoying.

    So, today I am going to be a domestic, little, ice-chiseling weasel and leave you wild folks to talk amongst yourselves.  Tomorrow, I'll be posting my response to some of the gripes from the Gripe Line.  So, feel free to scream, rage, be silly or whatever.  Have fun, and I'll see you tomorrow. 

    By the way, if you haven't yet checked out Paul "Stubbs" Little in what could be perhaps the World's Most Psychologically Damaging Outfit a Child Could Ever Wear, I suggest you do. 

    Of course, I've got equally embarrassing photos of myself in a pair of paisley pants with a matching vest, but, fortunately, I don't have a scanner (that you know of).  All I can do is scratch my head and wonder what the hell my parents were on for them to make me wear something that nasty.  In fact, my twin also had a similar "outfit," and when he and I would jump into the '72 Impala for a family outing, we'd disappear among the interior of tacky upholstery because of our camouflage. 

(update 2:30 pm, CST)    I've run out of tartar sauce.  Supplies are dwindling.  Soon it will be dark.  Today is double coupon day.  Pray for me (Yes.  There are no atheists on Double Coupon Day).

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Yes. But, Am I a Morlock? Or Eloi?

    I took this from Paul who swiped it from Pharyngula

I am:
H.G. Wells
The first major literary talent to make himself at home in the science fiction field, greatly expanding its popularity.

Which science fiction writer are you?

    Neat.  And, I think you can pretty much rest assured that if I ever wore a bow tie, it would be very, very crooked. 



Saturday, January 27, 2007

And I Thought I Was Crazy...

Look!  It's a pilotless drone.

    I love crazy people.  I really do.  Here's an audio clip of a man becoming somewhat unhinged over the phrase "pilotless drone" during a call to an editor at The San Francisco Chronicle

    Maybe the poor chap just needs a hug? 

(via Engadget)


Get Crawlin'...

    I just wanted to let you know that Oompa-wrangler extraordinaire, Dorn has her Blog Crawl up and waiting for you all.  It's got five nature-specific entries, and it's definitely worth checking out. 

    So, you know, go there and look.  Go now. 


Just a Quick Thank You.

    There are three people I really feel the need to thank today, and they are:

    Virgil Ivan "Gus" Grissom

    Edward Higgins White II

    Roger Bruce Chaffee

    Forty years ago, on Launch Pad 34 in Cape Canaveral, Florida, these three men lost their lives in a flash fire on the Apollo 1 command module, and as a result of such a tragic loss, greater safety standards were enacted and mankind was able to do the impossible. 

    So, being even a bit of the space geek that I sometimes am, I'd be remiss if I didn't take a moment to thank these three for their sacrifice.  It sort of puts things into perspective when you consider how, in the early days of exploration, it was incredibly dangerous to get off this rock (and it still is), and the bravery of our explorers should not be forgotten in spite of the fact that people can now buy their way onto a rocket and into space.  Amazing when you think about it.


How To Tell If You've Got a Coke Problem...

    Here's a kind of gross, but very hilarious, public service announcement from the Colombian government showing the hazards of a cocaine addiction. 

    Funny stuff...

(via BoingBoing)


Friday, January 26, 2007

This is Weird...

Boy's Screaming Kills Chickens

    Now, I don't know who's at fault here: The Boy, The Dog, or the really paranoid chickens.  But, nonetheless, Dog barks, Boy screams, and many chickens lose their lives.  Oh, the humanity... 


Thursday, January 25, 2007

Cuteness... Augh!

What the hell is that?

   This picture comes courtesy of The Cute Project.  It's an internet site devoted to all things cute and cuddly, and if you stare at it too long, you'll get a toothache.  So, peruse at your own risk. 

    The odd thing is that this picture of two owlets kind of reminds me of me and my last serious girlfriend.  Of course, I'll see if you guys can figure out which one would be me if she and I were a couple of owls. 

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

When All Else Fails...

    Now, in honor of Sport's Blogger Monponsett's interview with one of the Celtic Dancers, and to lighten the mood here, I decided to fall back to my old standard.  So, here's a hunk of cheese for you:

Mmmm...  Full-fat cheese...

    This cheese is labeled as being "vegetarian."  If anyone would like to explain that one to me, please feel free to do so. 

    Other than that, feel free to discuss this cheese.


State of the Union?

    You know what would be cool? 

    Tonight is Bush's 'State of the Union' speech, and one of the things I would truly love to see, and it would do a lot to restore my faith in our government, is if everyone just got up and walked out when Bush starts speaking.  After all, he has said he doesn't care about the opinions of the House, the Senate and the American people, so why should we care about anything he may have to say?  I personally think it would send that wannabe dictator a message he really needs to hear.  And, that message is that we the people have a voice, and it can and should be heard.

    Unfortunately, I have to watch Bush stutter and stammer his way through the web of irrelevant (and sometimes comical) posturing since I have to do a write up on this speech.  It's one of the more serious writing things I do when I'm not scribbling here.  So, I'll be sitting with my little note pad keeping track of, among other things, his use of 9-11 and how he clumsily tries to tie it together with the War in Iraq as though he were cramming a large, square peg into a small, round illogical hole. 
    Anyway, I know it'll never happen, but how great would it be to see Bush take the podium, only to have his entire audience simply walk away? 

    Oh well...  I know it would probably lead to more problems than solutions to this nation's troubles and fears, but still, I can dream, can't I? 

(update)   Well, it didn't take long.  In excerpts of Bush's speech released a short time ago, he is once again going to use 9-11 to justify his bungling in Iraq, and the fact that we are using the innocent citizens of that country as human shields in much the same way their previous dictator did.
For all of us in this room, there is no higher responsibility than to protect the people of this country from danger.

[To] win the war on terror we must take the fight to the enemy. From the start, America and our allies have protected our people by staying on the offense.

The enemy knows that the days of comfortable sanctuary, easy movement, steady financing, and free flowing communications are long over.

For the terrorists, life since 9/11 has never been the same.

[Our] military commanders and I have carefully weighed the options. We discussed every possible approach.

In the end, I chose this course of action because it provides the best chance of success. Many in this chamber understand that America must not fail in Iraq - because you understand that the consequences of failure would be grievous and far reaching.

The war on terror we fight today is a generational struggle that will continue long after you and I have turned our duties over to others. That is why it is important to work together so our nation can see this great effort through.

Both parties and both branches should work in close consultation. And this is why I propose to establish a special advisory council on the war on terror, made up of leaders in Congress from both political parties.

We will share ideas for how to position America to meet every challenge that confronts us. And we will show our enemies abroad that we are united in the goal of victory.

    This is going to be a long night, methinks.  However, one thing which immediately leaps out at me is his mention that this war will be a "generational struggle."  That's a big change from his usual chest-thumping rhetoric that the insurgency is in its "last throes," and the banners reading "Mission Accomplished."  The thing is, it's only a veneer --a saccharine sweetening of the war-mongering verbiage he's used previously as he faces perhaps the most difficult two years any president has ever faced in our nation's history.

    I can only consider the source of this new candor is the direct result of the November elections and the inevitable investigations and oversight that lay ahead for this president.  It's a lonely road he's traveling.  This country is not "united in the goal of victory," and it never will be so long as he continues to ignore the people he serves and those who serve under him.  Many have come to him with a myriad of options, and he's tossed all alternatives aside in an irrational pursuit of defeating an enemy who did nothing to harm us and has since been proven to have never been a legitimate threat. 

    However, they are a threat now.  And that is the direct result of this president's mismanagement and utter, embarrassing ineptitude.  The blood of the many who have fallen in Iraq is solely on the hands of President Bush.  And, try as he may to blame the terrorists for our losses, the simple reality is that they had absolutely nothing to do with the war that occupies the bulk of our troops' attention.  They are shooting at strawmen in the desert while those whose existence is a genuine threat to our nation are allowed to grow in numbers and plot potentially more horrendous and heinous attacks upon America and her interests abroad.

    Oh yeah...  It's going to be a busy day tomorrow.      
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Monday, January 22, 2007

A Monday Meme...

    I swiped this meme from Dawn.  And yes.  I literally stole it.  I didn't ask or anything.  I AM the Criminal Element. 

1. Where were you when the ball dropped for 2007?
       I was by the table with all the food and snacks on it. 

3. What are you listening to right now?
       Nothing.  I'm just watching an episode of Stargate Atlantis on the SciFi Channel.  It's a great time waster, that.
4. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
       Not that I can think of. 

5. What color underwear are you wearing?
       What exactly is this "underwear" thing of which you speak? 

6. Do you live in a zoo?
       It's more like a monkey cage than a zoo, per se.

7. What did you do this morning?  
       Opened my eyes. 

8. What does your mom do for a living?
       Well, according to my dad, my mother spends his money for a living.  And, according to my mom, she puts up with his nonsense for a living.  So, really, which side are you going to take?

9. Where do you work?
       At home.

10. What are your favorite smells?
        Fresh-baked bread.  Brewing beer.  And, bacon.        

11. What are the last two digits of your phone number?
       Which phone number?  I have four.

12. What was the last concert you attended?
       My friend's jazz concert.

13. Who was with you?
       No one.

14. What was the last movie you watched?
       Oh!  I know this...  Umm...  The Illusionist

15. What do you dislike at the moment?
       Voting rights for flightless birds.  I mean, seriously?  Do the opinions of a freaking emu really matter all that much? 

16. What do you crave right now?

17. Did you dream last night?
       I think so.  For all I know, I am still dreaming. 

18. What was the last TV show you watched?
       Stargate Atlantis.  Now we've moved on to The Dresden Files.  It's pretty lame, utterly predictable, and mind-bendingly dull. 

19. What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
       The wedding ring my ex-girlfriend wears.  Every time I see it, I feel incredibly happy that she is now someone else's problem.

 21. Who is your best friend of the opposite sex?
       That would probably be my friend Christine.

22. Who last IM’d you?
       A really funny AOL employee. 

23. Are you on any medication?
       Why?  Are you looking for something?

24. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
       The top.

25. What color shirt are you wearing?  
       It's brown and fuzzy.  Some people might call it a "sweater."

 26. What color is your razor?
       It's the color of dried blood. 

27. What is your favorite frozen treat?
       Canadian chicks.

28. How many tattoos/piercings do you have?
       None.  But, I do want to get argyle socks tattooed on my ankles.

29. What are your favorite stores?  
       The bakery and the truck stop.

30. Are you thirsty right now?
       No.  Should I be?

31. Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
       Can you imagine Mount Kilimanjaro turned upside-down? 

32. Who’s someone you haven’t seen in awhileand miss?
       Hmmm...  I can't think of anyone off-hand.  It's probably someone I don't remember meeting.

33. What did you do last night?
       I slept like most normal people tend to do.

34. Do you care what people think about you?
       That depends on how much money is involved. 

35. Have you ever done something to instigate trouble?
       I once called the cops on a really rowdy party.  Unfortunately, it was my party at my house. 

36. Do you like your nose?
       It's a lot like the Pope.  It's nice, and not terribly hairy.  But, I think it's a little crooked. 

37. What color is your room?
       Which one?  I have several rooms. 

38.  When was the last time you worked out?
       I don't have anything to work out.  Therapy does wonders, ya know?

39. Do you like pedicures?
       Yes.  I collect them, actually. 

40. Where do you live?
       Well, conveniently, I live in the same place where all my stuff is. 

41. Are you an aggressive driver?   
       Yes.  But, I wouldn't be if I was the only car on the road. 

42. Who is your cell phone carrier?
       I carry my own cell-phone.  Who do you think I am?  P-Diddy? 

43. Do you like the person who posted this last?
       I hope so.  She and I are supposed to be going to the Bahamas once I win the lottery. 

44. Do you know their birthday?
       No.  But, her birthday is today.  And, if it's not, then it's tomorrow.  Eventually, I'll be right.

45. What is the thing you’d most want to change about yourself?
       Hmmm....  I'd like a prehensile tail and shorter patience with stupid people. 

46. What color is your car?
       Red.  The color of fear. 

47. What do you smell like right now?
       I seem to smell like the inside of my nose. 

48. What is your favorite color?
       Blue!  No, yellow!  No!  Oh god!  Please don't throw me off the bridge!

49. Do you like mustard?
       It depends on where you put it. 

50. What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
       I stop, take a deep breath, and tell myself that no matter how bad it is, at least I'm not a male-prostitute when the mime convention is in town. 

51. Would you ever sky dive?
       I've already sky-dived... sky-dove?  I've done it before, but I don't think I'll do it again unless I really have to. 

52. What do you sleep on?
       The shattered dreams of weeping, broken humans. 

53. Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
       Yes.  One of those organ-grinder things, but it didn't come with the monkey, so I wasn't all that enthused.

54. What do you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant?
       It's not mine!  Honest!  She was already pregnant when I got there.

55. Do you enjoy giving hugs?
       Not to mimes. 

56. Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?
       I'm on the cutting edge of the fashion world.  Someday, pajamas are going to make a comeback, and you'll all feel badly for laughing at me.

57. Do you own a digital camera?
       Yes.  Do you?

58. What celebrities have you been compared to?
       Hmmm...  I've heard Matthew Broderick, Dave Matthews, Ed Norton, Paul Giamatti, Steve Buscemi, and, oddly enough, Abe Vigoda. 

59. What does your 19th text message say?
       I don't think I've even gotten 19 text messages yet.  But, the last one says "Who was Carter's vice president?"

60. How ’bout your 30th?
      30th what? 

61. Who did you hang out with last night?
       Some family.  I duct taped their mouths shut and handcuffed them to the radiator while I raided their fridge, watched TV and made some calls.  Nice people.  I'd send them a Thank You card if I could just find where they keep the stamps.

62. What are you doing this Saturday?
       I'll be doing my best to pollute the gene-pool.  In other words, I've got a date. 


The Airing of the Gripes Pt. 3

    Finally!  I've managed to compress the couple of weeks' worth of gripes into three little entries.  I figure the next time I do this, I'll probably just pick four or five of the week's best --if there are four or five, that is. 

    Anyway, let's keep the silly moving, huh? 

January 12th 2007
08:13:57 AM

My gripe is:
!!@@@@##$@!#!@~!@!@#@!@#@# Why the hell can't the neighbors pick a decent hour to howl and yell at one another. Course I can't hear but Pickles (my hearing dog can) so she gets me up repeatedly in the night thinking something is wrong. I don't like sleeping in the day either!!! !!!@#$$%@$%@!#$#@#$!#$!@#@# Indigo

    I have to admit, when I think about being deaf, this is something I've never ever considered as a problem.  And, trust me, I've lived in apartments where I wished I couldn't hear anything.  I suppose you could slip a note under their door saying "Hey!  I'm deaf, and your constant fighting is keeping even ME awake."   That should have them scratching their noisy little heads for quite some time.

January 12th 2007
01:04:13 PM

My gripe is:
What the hell is wrong with the ******* post office in my town!!! I ordered my daughter a computer and a monitor from on Dec. 28th and the monitor came a week ago, via USPS. As of today still no computer. The kicker is it arrived at the facility the same day the monitor did, but for some frickin' reason they can't find it. This package was tracked all the way from Illinois and suddenly disappears when it gets to NJ? As for whos' responsibility it is , well they don't know. Shipping was free. How is it they can get every piece of junk mail to my house but a computer, they can't find?

    My mailman looks like Charles Manson with a mullet, and his nickname is "Gunner."  There have been times where I've not ordered things in the mail because I know it's only a matter of time before he snaps, and I really don't want to be the one to send him over the edge. 

January 19th 2007
07:58:28 PM

My gripe is:
Cat hairballs. Why keep swallowing hair? A ten or so year old cat must KNOW BY NOW that swallowing hair leads to gagging it up on the carpet. Why does he keep doing it? Why? And why does he have to make such ghastly noises while hawking up that hair ball? I made less noise giving birth.

    Isn't evolution a wonderful thing?  I mean, we get thumbs, and our pets get combs for tongues. 

January 20th 2007
01:01:35 PM

My gripe is:
Why....when you get 2 stinking boys, age 4 and 8 they have to wrestle, fight and fuss with another. Yes, they live together (here) and keep me on my f**k*** toes! ::growl:: 'Splain that one...would ya?

    Again...  Use a handgun.  Wave it in the air and scream a lot when you fire off a couple of rounds into the ceiling.  And, if that doesn't work, trust me.  People will come and take those unruly children off your hands.

Monae Email Email     Website Website    
January 20th 2007
09:09:03 PM

My gripe is:
I hate to say this but I might just have to stop watching my favorite show "24" all because of Ricky Shroeder who was recently added to the cast. He was once on another show called "N.Y.P.D. Blue" which he wasn't good on either in my opinion. I won't want to watch the show if he is on the show long. I am sad to think that the show "24" would have added him into the mix. I probably won't be a fan of "24" for much longer with Ricky as part of the show. How could this happen ?????

    It's a little known fact in Hollywood that the signs of a show's impending demise are as follows:
    First, a former child actor becomes a regular cast member ala Gary Coleman on Buck Rogers
    And, the second sign comes with a special guest appearance by the Harlem Globetrotters.  It happened on Gilligans' Island, and I think it's only a matter of time before we see Jack Bauer finally meet his match by getting slaughtered in a game of pick-up basketball. 

    Well, this was fun, and thank you all for your many wonderful gripes, complaints, and random observations.  And, rest assured, I have since learned the difference between ducks and geese. 

The Airing of the Gripes Pt. 2

    I hope you enjoyed the first bit in the "Airing of the Gripes."  We'll start this second installment with the now-infamous reference to something called a "dumbstick."  That seriously cracked me up. 

January 10th 2007
11:57:57 AM

My gripe is:
This is not my gripe but Dogcat rocks.

My gripe is this. Why can't the dumbstick be ready to rock AGAIN instantly after sex? This is just not good planning by Mother Nature, evolution or whoever. So, I am raring to go for round two, Hubby falls asleep. I finally settle down and fall asleep, and he wakes up after a 45 minute nap, realizes the dumbstick is awake again and starts to poke me with it. Now, all I want to do is sleep. I mean really, wouldn't it make sense for the propagation of the species (well, not for us, we are wayyyy done) for the dumbstick to INSTANTLY be functional again? And, yes I know there are alternative parts that could have been used while waiting, but sometimes a gal just wants the dumbstick AGAIN!!!!

Ok... gripe over, and I feel better. I would blog about this myself but I can't because my kids and mother read my blog... so I had to do it here. I feel better now!

    See?  Funny, huh?  I had to take out the original poster's name because, for all I know, her kids and mother read this blog as well.  And if they are, well, you little brats are all grounded!

January 10th 2007
07:38:08 PM

My gripe is:
my girlfriend made fish for dinner, and she knows i hate fish. it had some sort of nut crap on it. of course i said i liked it but it tasted like ****. if she cooks that crap for me again i am going to sleep with her sister.

    Is her sister a bad cook?  Is she single?  Does she have lots of money?  Would she believe you if you told her you were allergic to seafood?

January 11th 2007
05:40:20 AM

My gripe is:
So, anyway... I had to get up this am for the plumber to come and fix our upstairs toilet in my parents bathroom.
It's all fixed and now I am going to take a nap!

    Now, I'm not one to normally judge, but am I the only one who thinks it's a little weird that Dawn takes naps in her parents' bathroom?

hot lips    
January 11th 2007
07:56:19 AM

My gripe is:
the man i want has a wife ... the man that wants me i don't want, like that. hurmph.

    Easy fix.  Introduce the man who wants you to the wife of the man you want.  Put on some Barry White or Al Green, and watch the fireworks. 

Paul     Website Website    
January 11th 2007
10:34:27 PM

My gripe is:
Dan is funnier than me. I hate that.

    Paul's smarter than me.  Plus, he has access to good beer and poutines.  So, really, Nature has achieved a very precise balance. 


The Airing of the Gripes. Pt. 1

    You know?  I kind of like this Gripe Line thing.  It's definitely a good place for the complete silliness which afflicts us from time to time, and it gives you all a place to unload your troubles.  Cathartic?  I don't know.  But it's damn funny. 

    One of the things I wasn't expecting, but am pleasantly surprised to see, is that it's turned into a place for random brief discussions about all sorts of things.  Neat! 

    Anyway, here's the first installment of the "Airing of the Gripes."  Perhaps I'll do this on a weekly basis and post the highlights of the week in gripe-itude. 
So, here goes.  I will post more a little later today. 

January 8th 2007
09:21:37 PM

My gripe is:
Dude! I got here by your blog. WTF? Don't you know the difference between a duck and a goose?

    Well, you should be happy that both ducks and geese taste better than people, buddy.  Besides, do I look Canadian? 

January 8th 2007
10:06:28 PM

My gripe is:
I am never going to buy a ******* Dodge truck. How many times did they show that god **** boxing robot commercial during the football game?

    I feel your pain.  I first thought that commercial was pretty neat.  But, after seeing it several thousand times, I now hate it almost as much as those damn Geiko cavemen. 

A nun a miss    
January 9th 2007
04:31:23 AM

My gripe is:
When are you ever going to answer our questions...Ask A Dan?

    Apparently, in order to expose the Man Laws, certain papers need to be signed, but the person delivering them seems to have gotten lost somewhere between the bar and the bathroom. 

January 9th 2007
04:50:13 AM

My gripe is:
My throat hurts. My left hand is still swollen and all the hand and wrist joints hurt and it ****** me off. Some mornings I want to be a cranky ***** but can't because I have to be mom. I can't believe you thought the geese were ducks either... lol

    Sorry about the aches, but enough with the ducks and the geese already...  Sheesh.  It's not like I go around confusing the colors orange and yellow.  Oh, wait... 

January 9th 2007
08:07:53 AM

My gripe is:
some people are such wet blankets. Take for instance my supervisor. We set up a Valentine's tree and she made us take it down, something about wasting energy. what a crock! Then she whined at me about using colors and different type fonts in my emails. what's that about? lady has no life? i mean come on now, let a person have some fun .. what do they want me to do work all day? geez.

    What exactly is a Valentine's Tree?  Is it some sort of tree where women can pull a branch from and sharpen the end to stab their boyfriends or husbands in the chest for not giving them diamonds? 

Amy's friend    
January 9th 2007
08:47:58 AM

My gripe is:
For men who know 100% that they have fathered a child, yet drag out in court with DNA tests, et al, or focus solely on the monetary aspect of raising a child. Hello, you know s/he's your kid, DNA will only prove that so you're not getting out of ANYTHING, anyway, just paying more court and lawyer fees, and the child needs you involved in his/her life, emotional and physical support, not just monetarily. ARGH.
Okay, thanks, Dan:) A friend of mine is going through this, and the guy acts so pathetic, threatening her and saying he's a great dad yet hardly spending any time with the boy he KNOWS 100% is his child.

    Glad to help.  I remember my first beer with my dad.  I was 35, and he said "I'm not your father, so stop asking me for money you worthless little wretch."

January 9th 2007
08:52:39 AM

My gripe is:
Children that don't do what they are told

Have you tried waving a handgun around and maybe firing a few warning shots into the ceiling?  Trust me.  It works wonders for unruly children and rowdy bingo crowds.

January 9th 2007
07:19:47 PM

My gripe is:
My gripe is people comment on your entries , why?? because they like ya. But you don't comment on theirs!! Why?? Cause you don't like us???Hmmmm tell us why is that exactly???

    I read a lot of journals and blogs, and, if I commented, then I wouldn't be able to plagiarize your words because you'd have proof that I visited your site.  So, you know, let's not spoil the magic. 


Sunday, January 21, 2007

Happy Sunday!

    Why, hello there.

    Today is Sunday, and I just don't really feel too much like posting anything today.  Sorry about that. 

    We have snow here (more than forecast), and after shoveling and shoveling, I came inside, grabbed some toasty flannel jammies right out of the dryer, made some hot cocoa with Amaretto, and, as a result, I am losing my grasp on this thing called consciousness. 

    So, rather than write anymore, I'll just ask you if there's anything in the coming week ahead that you are (or are not) looking forward to? 

Enjoy your Sunday,

Saturday, January 20, 2007

I Have Food...

    I can't decide what I want for dinner...  Here are my choices:

    I have leftover meatloaf, stuffing, gravy and beans from last night.  I may just make some oven French fries, throw everything in a bucket and call it a poutine, but that might make Paul angry.

    I have a gyro leftover from breakfast (they were two for one).  And, as I type this, I am wondering if I am the only person out there who wants to go to Greece for no other reason than to ask some poor restaurateur, "How many Euros for a gyro?"

    There's soup.  There's always soup.  I will never be able to hide from the billion cans of soup I have.  I've even got a can of tomato aspic.  Who the hell has one of those?!?

    Bacon!  But really.  A line needs to be drawn.  I can't imagine the shameful gaze of my readers if they ever learned that I am the kind of guy who would actually sit down and eat a pound of bacon for dinner.  But, would it help if I had bacon AND gravy?

    Let's see...  Is lettuce supposed to be brown?  Are tomatoes usually green.  And, why are my potatoes growing?  This isn't Idaho, ya know?  It's winter in Wisconsin.  The only thing that grows here is a person's alcohol tolerance.

    Oh!  I have cookies.  I can have a poutine with bacon, gravy and Chips Ahoy!  Now that's after-bar food. 

    Seriously.  Gravy is really the ultimate equalizer.  You could put a half-way decent gravy on a dead rhino's toenails, and they would be tasty.

    Of course, I have cheese.  Lots of cheese.  There seems to be an inordinate amount of cheese and soup in my house.  And, like gravy, if you put cheese on anything, it becomes satisfying.  Just slap a French name on it, and you're good to go.  For example, tonight's special is Chat merde avec fromage.  Yum!

    Oh well...  I think I'll just order a pizza and dump some gravy on it.  How's your Saturday going?

Friday, January 19, 2007

Wow! An Update!

    Let the word go forth throughout the kingdom and greater metropolitan blogosphere that on Monday, January 22nd, 2006 2007, there will be an official "Airing of The Gripes."  At which time, selected grievances chosen solely by me will be addressed and posted upon these meager pages. 

    In other words, you have two days (or so) to visit The Gripe Line, and bitch up a storm before the next time I decide to give some really crappy advice. 

    Have fun!




    Why no.  Now that you ask, I just couldn't leave well enough alone...  It's even creepier enlarged.  I was going to say "I'm in ur cornz eatin ur old maids," but that's just not zombified enough. 

    Anyway, if you'd like to play along and add some text to the photo of Ersatz Undead Orville, here's the original for you to copy and do with as you please:

    Just remember, if you do take part in the fun and post your handiwork on your blog, please leave a link in the comments so I can drop in and give it a gander.  Unfortunately, I found it kind of tough trying to find a font and color for the text that was visible enough.  Hopefully, y'all can do better. 



This is Teh Kewlness...


    The folks at Jeep put together this awesome display which embeds bitmap images into falling water using technology similar to that of an inkjet printer.

    And no.  Don't even think to ask me how it works.  I have no idea, and thinking about just makes my brain wiggle.  So, you know, I just watch and say "wow!"  It's amazing and hypnotizing, don't you think? 

    Of course, now I've really got to go to the bathroom. 


Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Undead Popcorn!

    Oh man...  I am NOT going to sleep for a week.  Every time I close my eyes, I will see this face.  It's the dried, cold, lifeless, zombie-esque visage of Orville Redenbacher Undeadenbacher.

    In a moment of terrifying advertising madness, some less-than-brilliant ad-execs brought the old popcorn magnate back from the dead with a digital double who grooves on an MP3-Player while preaching the wonders of microwave popcorn (
here's a link to the ConAgra site with a link to a very short video).  However, as you can see in the picture, this new Orville Undeadenbacher looks a little less interested in the popcorn he's selling and far more interested in eating your delicious brains. 

    So, keep your eye out for this commercial, and for god's sake, keep the lights on and cover your children's eyes. 

Screaming From Behind!

    Now what in the bloody hell happened to this whole week?!? 

    Why is it that when you get sick and take a couple of days off, you always seem to wind up two-weeks or an entire month behind?  It's like some sort of wild work warp happened, and either I do two weeks of worthless crap in only a handful of days, or the very fabric of time and space was torn, and an ungodly amount of junk was dumped on me when I woke up several days ago and decided to stay in bed with the covers over my head. 

    Anyway, here's a whole load of things I meant to get to this week, but was too loaded up on NyQuil (yum) to be able to do anything other than drool on my laptop as I bounced around reading the myriad of really great journals and blogs you all have out there in this quickly shrinking world.  It was nice dragging my diseased-ridden self into your lives.  Sorry about the mess though.  But, enjoy the "Week's Worth of Things I Meant to Get to But Didn't."
Rock on Cleveland!   
    Speaking of worth, via BoingBoing, the fun folks at put together a photoshopping contest involving famous statues of the world doing things most statues don't, but really, really should (pictured).  Some of these are absolutely hilarious, and it's definitely worth checking out if you've got the time.

    Next, England sent us some of their shiny things when the two-headed, eye-shredding, hypnotizingly beautiful monster that is The Beckhams arrived on our shores. 
Yes.  Xenu.  He flies space planes.

     Unfortunately, ten seconds after their wheels squeaked on the tarmac of LAX, the dwarfish, little Sea-Org man-moppet formerly known as Tom Cruise was there to recruit them into Scientology.  Bend it like Xenu.

    Now, I don't know if Boston has a Major League Soccer team, but if they do, and "Becks" ever plays there, perhaps we can schedule a little old-school tea-party for him and his wife and toss them both into Boston harbor.  But, you know, that's just me being mean again.

    Next up, how would you like to have a billboard display your own personal message every time you drive by it? 

    Well, thanks to the folks at MINI USA and a RFID key-chain, you can now have the wonderful ego-boosting power of sending your message to other motorists who happen to be nearby.  Yes.  It'd be kind of sad on an empty street at three in the morning.  But, on a busy expressway at rush hour, how cool would it be to have your message pop up to say "get the hell out of my way round-head!"  
`Please don't investigate me!  
    In Washington, it's been a really bizarre week with our man-child criminal Commander in Chief.  First, he says he's sending 21,500 more troops into a civil war in Iraq, and then, after people protest his ineptitude, he then asks his subjects to come up with their own plans.  Obviously he's forgotten the countless generals(whom he's since replaced) have voiced concern, along with his advisors, the Baker-Hamilton Report, Joe Biden's plan, Levin's plan, et cetera, so-on-and-so-forth.  In fact, anyone with half a functional brain can pretty much see that what Bush is doing is a very bad idea

    Of course, all that was a 24-hour token effort by the half-witted dope who's driving our nation into the ground.  The very next day, he promptly tells the People and Congress that there isn't a damn thing anyone can do to stop him.  He doesn't even hide his contempt for the opinions of his people anymore, does he?  And, to make matters worse, it's not enough that we're already struggling dreadfully in two countries, and our poor soldiers are taxed to their limits, this bungling dickhead in Chief has decided to start taunting the Iranians in an attempt to goad them into war as well. 

    And, not to be outdone in the arena of stupid rhetoric, the Evil Emperor that is Vice President Dick Cheney recently stated (again) that those who criticize our President's foolish actions are playing into the hands of Osama bin Laden

    I'm going to say that's pretty damn funny since the Taliban in Afghanistan supported those who attacked us on Sept. 11th.  Yes.  In Afghanistan.  The very same country where we are now pulling troops from on the eve of a Taliban offensive in order to boost our numbers in Iraq. 

    Trust me, Dick.  I don't think anyone still believes that we are fighting those who attacked us, and I personally think this administration has done nothing but demonstrate just how little it is concerned with the actual safety and security of the American people.  In other words, our moron president has not upheld his oath of office, and through his actions in moving these troops from a nation who actually supported those who harmed us and continues to be a legitimate threat, to a nation where we really had no business invading in the first place has not only been a monumental failure, but George Bush has actually given aid and comfort to our country's REAL enemies.  In other words:  Treason.  In other other words:  Get a rope.

    And then there's that whole thing about keeping track of the banking records, and credit checks, the illegal wiretapping, and opening the mail of American citizens.  What the hell happened to the Fourth Amendment?
    Anyway, sorry.  Our government has seriously started to piss me off.  But, on a lighter note, thanks to The Obscure Store, I now have a good reason for not visiting Snohomish, Washington.  It's not that it's a bad town, per se.  I'm sure it's quite pretty there, and there's probably tons of wonderful things to do.  Still, the people are freaking bat-shit crazy.  

    First, a kid gets seriously injured during the traditional blasting of the cannon whenever the home team scores; however, instead of thinking, perhaps we should point that big, honkin' gun away from potential victims
, the people of Snohomish take to threatening the poor kid and his family if they do anything to change the school's policy of recklessly using really freaking lethal weapons.
    It's madness in Snohomish! 
    Let's see...  I'm sure by now you've all heard about the recovery of two kidnapped kids in Kirkwood, Missouri.  But, did you know that in 2003, Shawn Hornbeck's parents went on the Montel Williams Show where noted psychic fraud Sylvia Browne told the grief-stricken parents that their son Shawn was, among other things, dead?

    Please, Xenu!  Please sweep these people off the planet in one of your Boeing Space Planes and drop them in a volcano.  Take Bush and Cheney too.  They'll burn nicely.  They're covered in oil (Sorry.  I couldn't resist).

    And, here's another bit from The Obscure Store:  Apparently, Milwaukee is the best city to find tryouts for the reality show, The Biggest Loser.  I can agree with that.  This town is ridiculously huge.  And, the fact that during the tryouts, women outnumbered men ten to one, goes a long way in explaining why I am still single.  We're not talking simple cute chubbiness here.  The entire 414 area code is morbidly obese. 

    Also, here's a story about a guy who got a postcard nearly sixty years after it was sent.  It's a bittersweet story, but it is interesting.  And, I am forced to wonder what would Xenu do? 
    Xenu do? 

    XanaduOh Christ!  There's no need to go there.

Anywho...  Speaking of Woodsy Owl, did you all hear about how since they've replaced him with something that looks like a creepy serial killer with the head of a "giant chicken nugget," the government has now created a guide for the proper disposal of the old Woodsy Owl costumes.  Here's a hint:  It involves fire. 

    Fortunately, there's a feedback form at Woodsy's site, and hopefully, we can bring back the old-school Woodsy who was just so much better than this weird new thing. 

    And finally, to wrap this up, here's a website with various rooms of random people's houses.  If you go, do try not to make a mess.