Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

You haf vays of making me talk.    Alright...  alright...  I'll talk.  Just stop beating me silly.  What is that?  A bar of soap in a sweatsock? 

    Good choice for interrogations, actually.  Best to keep the blood on the inside rather than mop up the mess later, right?  Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all.

    Anyway, I asked you to ask me, and, though I wasn't expecting The Spanish Inquisition, ask you did.  I think it actually came out to twenty questions, ironically.  It was a lot of fun, and hopefully I've eased some of your curiosity.  So, here's the transcript of a not-too brutal or bloody interrogation:

Question from Jackie:
    Have you ever been married, or close to it?  Is Allison a serious lady friend...or just a casual dating experience?  

     I've never been married.  And, it's not that there's anything wrong with marriage.  I have many married friends.  It's just not a lifestyle that I'm all that keen to embrace currently.
    As for Allison, she's a great friend and a very special person to me.  I suppose if I ever was going to experiment with marriage, she'd probably be one of the first people I'd call.  As it stands though, I'm just not marriage-curious.    
Question from Pam:
    Do you have any kids or ever intend to have any?

Children are somewhat like potato chips, I think.  I currently don't have any, but I do like potato chips.  However, you have to be careful.  Sometimes when you stick your hand into the bag, it will rip open, and before you know it, your lap is filled with the greasy little bastards. 
Questionfrom Tee:
    The 1st time you had a wet dream, did you think you peed in bed? And do you have a nickname for your penis?
    Hmm...  I took horrible notes during puberty, so, fortunately, I really don't remember much.  And no.  I don't name body parts.  If I did, I'd probably name my penis David Hasselhoff.
Question from Terry:
    What do you do for a living exactly that pays the rent?
    As much as I'd like to say that I train circus-chimps to dance to the musical stylings of Scott Joplin, the fact is, I write freelance, and I occasionally edit other people's writings.  I used to play guitar and give lessons, but that fell apart when my fingers pretty much stopped working.  But, I have a dead aunt who left me a couple of bucks to keep me sane. 
Question from Brenda:
    What was your favorite toy as a child?
    I have a twin brother who was always much weaker than me, so whatever toy he was playing with at the time was instantly my favorite. 
Question from Jenn:
    Did you prefer Charlies Angels or Wonder Woman as a kid?
    Dude!  If I had a Wonder Woman lunchbox as a child, I'd have gotten my ass kicked. 
Question from Barry (his name's not Bob, ya know):
    I'd seriously like to know how you manage to get out of the straight jacket and write in your journal.
    Mmm...  Straight jackets...  It's like giving yourself a nice, warm hug.  And, toss in that strap on the bottom, and it's not entirely unlike a Catholic education reach-around. 
    Unfortunately, I've never been in a straight jacket.  I'm more of a strap me to the table and load me up with Thorazine type of crazy. 
Question from Barry:
    Okay, a real question. How would you describe yourself - in just five words?
    Absolutely, barking, bat-shit bonkers.
Question from Pam:
    I've got a question for ya.  Have you ever thought about writing a book...or a column....?
    I've already written a book.  Selling it is the difficult part.  If nothing else, where ever I set it down, it keeps the furniture from getting up and walking away.  But, I'm currently working on two other novels which are a little less serious than the unsellable tome. 
    As for a column, well...  I could handle that.  If anyone out there knows any alcoholic editors, get them good and liquored up and bring them here. 
Question from Cathy:
    You mention doctor's appointments.  Do you have a chronic medical condition?
    Yep.  I have severe psoriasis.  It's a genuine bitch, but it keeps me from being an overly arrogant bastard.  On the plus side, the UV-treatments give me a tan that would make George Hamilton look like Edgar Winter
Question from Delaine:
    Boxers or Briefs?
    On the odd occasion where I do wear underwear, it's always boxers.  Hasselhof needs his space.
Question from Dawn:
    Preferred bathroom reading material???
    Usually, I read either the back of a shampoo bottle or The International Herald Tribune
Question from Monaé: 
    Here's my question......Do you like doughnuts ????
    Mmmm...  Doughnuts rule the pastry world.  Doughnuts are my friends.  They love me.  They do not not judge me, and they are always there for me.  I love doughnuts.
Question from Paul:
    What do you say to people who get you confused with me? Also, what is your novel about?
    Identity theft's a real bitch, Paul.  Normally, it's pretty easy being you; however, when I am you, it's only a matter of time before people start speaking French or asking me about the damn Metric System. 
    As for the novel, it's currently about 70,000 words.  It's slow going, really.  
Question from Holly:
    Since you and I tend to get stuck conversing about food - what was the grossest thing you've ever eaten?  Why'd ya eat it? And would you eat it again?  This is fun!  Great game!  Oh - and If i can have one more - did YOU attend your ten year high school reunion?
    I know you're expecting me to say the face of a pig, but that's more disturbing than gross.  Probably the grossest thing I've ever eaten would either be the very large live mollusks along the Northern coastline of France (chewy, and not entirely unlike eating someone's squirming tongue.  Good with lemon, though) or deer penis soup in Singapore.  Hmmm...  I'll go with the soup. 
    I ate it because I am a dumb American, and I foolishly said "Hey!  Surprise me!"  And, about the only reason why I'd ever eat that again would be if I was a crystal-gripping hippy, driving around China with a car full of prostitutes, and I desperately needed a homeopathic cure for a terminal case of erectile dysfunction.
    And yes, I did go to my Ten-year reuinion.  However, I skipped the Twenty-Year reunion held this past weekend.  From what I gather, it was pretty lame and poorly planned as a result of our Senior Class President serving lots and lots of much deserved hard time for rape and child pornography and the fact that most of our graduating class is in rehab.  BUT, I'm told to expect good things for the Thirty Year reunion.
Question from odineye10:
    A "Distracted Mind" surely must have some extraordinary dreams.  I'm curious to know about your mind at rest.  Firstly, do you remember your dreams?  Do you dream in color?  What is one of the strangest dreams you can remember? (And,  can share)"
    Whoa...  Deep.  I remember some of my dreams, but not all.  I tend to wake up, the memory of my dream dissolves quickly into nothingness, and I'm pretty much just left with the highlights (kind of like Sportscenter). 
    Sometimes I dream in color.  They're not odd or out of place colors. 
    The strangest dream I've ever had was ages ago.  I was running around Chicago being chased by M&M's (this was long before the commercial came out with the spokes-candies).  There were millions of them, and they crunched like cockroaches beneath my feet.  When I woke up, I just remember thinking "What the hell was THAT all about?" 
Question from Dawn: 
    Describe the best date you ever went on....please.
    Ahhh...  It was spring.  We were young.  She wore a flower in her hair, and when she spoke, her voice was like a song...  Who am I kidding?  We went to a bar.  She was hot, we got drunk, and I got laid. 
Question from stormypassionzz:
    Does all that cheese you eat leave you constipated?  LOL    I just hadda' ask!    <grin>
    Cheese loses many of its binding properties when it's deep-fried.  However, I will say that the state motto of Wisconsin should be "Clank!" rather than the nebulous "Forward." 
Question from Robin:
    Wisdom of a Distracted Mind certainly implies that your mind is distractable -- do you have ADHD (whether or not diagnosed "officially" what do YOU believe), and would you change your inner-wirings if you could, or would you prefer to keep your own unique self (whether or not you have ADHD)?  :)  p.s. -- can I borrow this idea from you, who got it from Paul who got it from Lahoma?
    Of course my mind is distractable.  I am fascinated by small, shiny objects and things that go "beep," "bonk," and "ping."  I certainly don't think that qualifies me for any sort of "disorder."  I like not paying complete attention to things.  It helps me notice more of the world around me. 
    And yes.  You're definitely welcome to borrow this from me.  I don't think I'll be needing it back anytime soon.  Enjoy.
Question from Monaé:
    Hello again......here's another question: What's your favorite color?
    Blue...  no.  Green... No.  Yelloooow!!!!  Please don't throw me off the bridge! 
Question from Barb: 
    Favorite movie. Favorite hoilday? Favorite smell.
    That's easy.  Favorite movie: The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)  " It's not my goddamn planet. Understand, monkey boy?"
     Favorite Holiday:  National Flashlight Day--December 21
    Favorite smell: BACON!  Deep-fried, yummy bacon!  (chocolate cake and rubber cement rank a close second).
Am I free to go now?


  1. Funny, that's probably how I'd have described you too.
    A cracking good read, thanks.
    B. (Not Bob).

  2. ok.. "novel" covers alot of territory!... mystery?  action?  murder?...duh.. what sort of novel??????

  3. I'm gonna be mad if the kids wake up, after me sitting here throwing my head back in laughter.
    Cracking me up. (The chair is great)
    Anyway, I love, love, love jets. There aren't any shows coming to Denver this year, boooo.
    And bacon.....has to be one of my FAVORITE things ever. :)
    Have a nice day.

  4. LoL....Oooo one more question.

    Did you have a clapping monkey as a kid?


  5. Buckaroo Bonzai! I've forced many a friend to watch that movie and they've all hated it. Thanks...now I know I'm not alone. (sniff, sob) I love you, man.

    "History is made at night! Character is what you are in the dark."

  6. I would leave a longer comment, but I can't stop laughing!  

    Great answers!


  7. That was so much fun!!! Thank you for sharing with us loonies out here in j-land!!

    be well,

  8. Dave Barry is alive and well and found in Milwaukee. Eat your heart out, Miami!

  9. lol well thanks for the great answers and a good laugh. You are way to funny.

  10. "Bacon" just beats out "cocaine" as my favorite smell.

    I don't do alerts, and sort of pop in on journals when I think to do so. I'm sorry I missed this one, as it looked like a lot of fun.

  11. Also... I finally got a paid column, with the complete anonymity that I wanted, and it paid in cash/under the table... then the editor got himself killed skateboarding (he was in his 40s). Now I'm unemployed again.

  12. I missed twenty questions with Dan . . . damn it!!!

    Dan - really? Did you have to go with David Hasselhoff? I can think of a million reasons WHY you should never refer to your penis as David Hasselhoff when women are present . . .

    Amanda :)