I'm Such a Hater...

     With his new album, Justin Timberlake is claiming that he is going to "reinvent" pop music.

    Justin Timberlake is an idiot.

 

    I spent a bit of time listening to his latest single "SexyBack," and after a few minutes, I wanted to dunk my head in a bucket of lye, rip my ears from the sides of my head and smash them together like one of those smiling, wind-up, cymbal-playing monkeys.  Yeah..  I may even nod my head like one in total, blissful stupidity. 

    

    How do I know this song is going to be a total failure?  It's pretty easy.  He's already started blaming other people by saying his new song is like "David Bowie and David Byrne doing a cover of James Brown's 'Sex Machine.'" 

 

    Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind seeing Bowie and Byrne crank out a version of that song.  In fact, it might even help restore my opinion of David Bowie's musical sensibilities after that sexually-ambiguous, yet wildly terrifying and painful "Dancing in the Streets" duet he did with Mick Jagger.  However, Justin should just accept it as his own, and not drag these poor adults into his childish, backside madness.  After all, if you're going to "reinvent" something and be unique, it's usually not a good idea to say that you're ripping off other people.

 

    Honestly, I worry about the children.  I worry about James Brown.  This could be just the excuse he's looking for in order to embark on a year-long, crack-fueled, Waffle House-trashing rampage.  After all, his sanity is pretty sketchy as it is.  Poor James Brown is like a cat standing over a sprinkler --you want to turn it on to torture the poor animal for some easy laughs, but you know the second you do, he's going to turn your favorite pair of shoes into a litter box the first chance he gets.   

 

    Of course, I blame Britney for all of this, and I'm thinking that anyone who comes in contact with her feels some strange urge to write crappy songs about women's asses.  Her husband/pet/dependent child K-Fed dumped a steaming load of PopoZao on the music industry in which he clucked on and on about his fascination for back ends, so why wouldn't Justin, lacking the crazy-mad linguistic skillz to match K-fed's feeble grasp of Portuguese, write one too? 

 

    Personally, I think Justin should just get it over with and write a song titled, "Hey K-Fed!  I Deflowered Your Wife."  I think I'd listen to that.  I'd listen so long as he didn't drag any real musicians into his insecure madness.