Sunday's Public Service Announcement...

    This one is for all the children out there.  And, you know, I believe that children are our future, and without them, who's going to buy us adult diapers and vodka when we're too crippled to walk to the store? 

    So, parents?  Please go tell your child to step away from his or her Grand Theft Auto game (there will be plenty of time to smack ho's around this afternoon).  What I have to say will only take a moment, and it may just save your child's life!

     Everyone ready?

     Okay, kids?  Eat your oranges, or you will get scurvy.  Trust me, it doesn't matter if you are a member of the "cool" crowd or are a total "dweeb."  Scurvy doesn't discriminate, and once your teeth start falling out of your head, no one is going to want to take you to prom, and in your toothless, depressing state, you will most likely turn to a life of crime or politics. 

     I'm just passing this along to you.  I gleened this wisdom from my mother, and after living with the Sword of Damocles that is scurvy hanging over my head for the majority of my childhood, I felt it my obligation to share it with you. 

    "Drink your orange juice," my mother would tell us in the morning before sending us off to school.  "Drink it.  Or, you will get scurvy and die."

    "What's scurvy?" We'd ask.

    "It's British," she would say.  "It's bad."

    "But we're German, mom," we'd protest.

    "Drink your orange juice and eat your oatmeal."

    "It tastes funny," I'd tell her. 

    "It's giving me rickets," my twin brother would say. 

    "Shut up," my mother shout from the kitchen.  "Don't get me started on rickets."

    "heh-heh," I'd mumble. "Mom said 'rickets.'"

    "You're a ricket."  

    "No.  You're a ricket."

    "You're a scurvy ricket."

    "You're a British ricket." 

    "SHUT UP, and drink your orange juice!" 

    Fortunately, thanks to my wonderful mother, I never contracted scurvy, and I have all my teeth, my eyes haven't turned green, and my head hasn't fallen off.  So, kids?  If you ever see an orange, you have got to eat it.  I don't care if you're hungry or not.  After all, you don't want to wind up like that Duane kid on the next block who cleans his forehead with a toothbrush, do you?  He obviously doesn't eat oranges or drink his orange juice. 

-DP