Scotch Madness...

    Milwaukee, WI. -- In an amazing and somewhat bizarre turn of traditional gift-giving, a childless, unmarried man was recently given two bottles of single malt scotch this past Father's Day from none other than his very own father. 

 

    "I know, it's odd," the father, identified simply as Old Bob, said when asked about his family's strange tradition.  "I have seven kids, and ever since I retired several years ago, my children have been giving me bottles of scotch rather than the usual ugly-ass tie or shoe polishing kit.  But, I really don't like scotch."  So, every year, he gives the bottles to his son Dan. 

 

    "He's a musician and a writer," Old Bob said, "and everyone knows how much they enjoy drinking scotch."

 

    "Oh, I absolutely hate scotch," Dan said when asked about the unusual hand-me-downs that he's been forced to stockpile in his basement for the last several years.  "Sure, I'm a musician and a writer, but there are many musicians and writers out there who prefer whiskey, gin or something other than scotch.  In fact, doesn't P-Diddy like Courvossier?" 

    

    It's clear Old Bob has no use for scotch, shoe polish or ties since the majority of his wardrobe is now comprised of several pairs of flip-flops and sandals, as well as a great many colorful Hawaiian shirts.  "I really just enjoy drinking bourbon and following my wife's orders in the garden.  Drinking scotch would just throw a money wrench into my entire day."

 

    "What do you mean he doesn't like scotch?"  Young Bob, Old Bob's oldest son said when asked about this year's Father's Day gift.  "[Old Bob] goes through scotch like Rosie O'Donell goes through chocolate cake.  He freakin' loves the stuff.  In fact, show up there tomorrow.  I bet you won't find a single bottle anywhere."

 

    Unfortunately, this dillema is not solely limited to Father's Day.  Last Christmas, for example, Old Bob received three bottles of single malt and a bottle of crappy blended scotch from various family members, and those four bottles were immediately passed off to his son.

 

    A quick tour of Dan's basement, shows the devastating impact of this confusion.

 

    "I think 2001 was the worst," Dan says while shaking his head at the myriad of bottles.  "That was the year he retired.  I think he received about ten bottles that year.  Since then, this place has turned into a fire hazard, and I've had the urge to wear a kilt when I come down here.  It's madness, really." 

    

    One possible explanation for this "madness" may be found in the family's combination of French and German genetic heritages:

 

    "Sometimes I wonder if it's just those crappy, German genes these kids get from my wife's side of the family," Old Bob suggests.  "There are no Scots anywhere in our family, and my people have been drinking bourbon for years.  I just wish my idiot children knew more about booze.  That would be the best Father's Day gift."

 

-DP