I Wish I Was Cool Like James Woods.

 

    Hello, God.  Now, you probably know I don't really believe in you, but on the odd chance that you DO exist, can you do me a favor?  And, no, I don't want world peace or billions of dollars or anything like that.  My request is actually pretty simple.

 

    Can you make me cool like James Woods?

 

    My UsMagazine came in the mail today (before you judge me, you should know it's been getting sent here by accident for the past four years), and I opened it to see a picture of James Woods and his girlfriend --his TWENTY-year old girlfriend. 

 

    God?  I want a twenty-year old girlfriend.  I want to be able to pull up in front of a bar and say, "Honey?  I'm going to go drink a big glass of scotch.  Wait here until I come out.  And, if you turn twenty one while you're waiting for me, then come in.  I'll buy you a drink for your birthday, and then replace you with one of the Olsen Twins.  Kiss-kiss-dahling.  Keep the engine running."  

 

    I mean, how awesome would it be to be in a relationship with someone who isn't old enough to drink?  That pretty much turns every single bar into an instant "Fortress of Solitude," where I can hide, drink scotch, play pool and watch sports without having to listen to my girlfriend discuss the global importance of Britney's impending meltdown.  If we get in a fight over directions while driving somewhere, all I have to do is pull over in front of some watering hole and give myself a much-needed time-out.  After all, it's probably in both our best interests that I get out and drink before I say something I'll eventually regret. 

 

    One thing, God?  She's got to be twenty; because, I think if she's nineteen, that might just be a little too creepy. 

 

-DP