Friday, July 20, 2007

Back in MY Day, We Lived in a Shoebox and Ate Dirt!

    Now, it's no small secret that some folks out there seem to think that Harry Potter is "teh Debil!" and those who read J.K. Rowling's books are going to be turned into witches, warlocks, and (if you're not lucky) newts and toads. 

    Still...  Sometimes the outrage is so bloody hilarious that it's just impossible not broadcasting it to the world.  Religion is a source of much giddy laughter in my world, and the following letter sent to the editor of the Kingsport Times News in Tennessee has to be one of the greatest examples of blind hatred and fear I've seen in a long long time.  So, let's take a look, shall we?

Letters To The Editor - Letters from July 18
Immorality is destroying America     

Modern day America is just about as immoral as Sodom and Gomorrah.   The people of this day and age are unthankful and unashamed.

    [Hi!  Dan here!  Actually, there are several schools of thought on the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.  The Bible states that it was destroyed as a result of inhospitality.  Bible-Thumpers believe it was destroyed because of teh gay.  Science points to evidence that what is currently believed to be the location of the city of Sodom was built upon what is not only a rather active tectonic area, but also one of the planet's largest sulfur deposits.  So, if we are to learn anything, it should be that it's a terrible idea building a city on the geological equivalent of a big freakin' match.] 

Back in my day, people shouted as they walked to church, and they shouted all the way home. [Shouting?  On a Sunday morning?  People have been shot for less I'm thinking.]  Now people don't even go to church. They took prayer and Bible study out of the schoolhouses  and brought in sex education and witchcraft. [They didn't take prayer or Bible study out of school.  Kids are still free to engage in these extra-curricular exercises.  As for the Sex-Ed, we'll get to that later in this letter, okay?]  You parents that let your children read these Harry Potter books are guilty of witchcraft and idolatry and you're going straight to hell. [As opposed to a "Heaven" filled with...  umm...  You?]

Instead of getting a thrashing for misbehavior, the parents, teachers and doctors today get these children heaped up on ritalin. [Don't forget the importance of beating the crap out of your children for reading books.]  You could give ritalin to a cocaine addict and they wouldn't know the difference.  [Ahh...  The voice of experience, methinks]  Then, they wonder why this generation has amounted to nothing more than drug addicts, fornicators and murderers. [And physicists, astronauts, scientists, artists, etc.  The previous generation had its LSD and "Debil Music" and they seem to have turned out fine and dandy.  Before that, it was Elvis!]

Back in my day we didn't turn to a pack of pen-pushing pantywaists and labcoat Larrys to tell us how to live. We turned to the word of God. [Science isn't telling us HOW to live.  Science is telling us WHY we live.]

It seems like every time I go to the store I see a teenage girl carting around three or four young ones. You used to not see that kind of thing around here.  [Do you still blame sex-education in school for this?]

The women in this day and age ain't worth marrying. [insert snarky, ubiquitous inbreeding joke here] The Bible says a beautiful woman without virtue is comparable to a gold ring in a pig's nose.  [But, the ring is still made of gold, isn't it?  Does the "ring" lose value because of its location, or is it still precious because of its constituent elements?  In other words, stop being a superficial asshat!] 

If I had my way, I'd have it to where these women and their children wouldn't get food or medicine through welfare. [Such a kind and compassionate Christian you are to encourage the starvation and illness of your fellow human beings.  No wonder why people hate your god].  The Republicans tried to do this in 1996, but Clinton vetoed the bill twice until Republicans finally gave in.  [Ah yes.  According to your handbook, when all else fails, and you are faced with something which confounds your tattered intellectual framework, blame Clinton.]

You people ain't smart enough to come in out of the rain. I never thought the good Lord would let me live to see this day.  [Apparently, your "good lord" likes uneducated, inhumane, judgmental, hate-filled fools who "ain't" smart enough to understand that this nation is comprised of many different beliefs.  And, some of those beliefs actually do allow for the reading of fictional books about teenagers in England who wave pointed sticks and rely on magic to solve their problems as opposed to a fictional book about a Jewish man nailed to sticks who also relies on magic to solve the world's problems.] 

Joe Lawson


    Now, the internet is littered with these sorts of paranoid crazies.  Some are considerably funny, and others, like the above letter, are pretty sad.  I get the feeling that Joe is a single man, unable to find a woman worth marrying, and rather than take steps to change his hate-filled ways, he simply blames (among many other things) a benign series of books for his situation.  However, I don't believe many women out there would want to marry a man who is almost too eager to start beating children for ridiculous reasons such as reading a freakin' book.

    Aside from that, I wonder what Joe thinks about the Star Wars movies?


P.S.   Yes.  This post is simply a waste of time and energy, and in the grand scheme of things, it amounts to nothing more than garden-variety babble.  For some odd reason, I've been in a ridiculously surly mood all week, and it really hasn't taken much to get under my skin. 

    Don't worry, though.  I'm pretty sure I'll be back to my usual madness and insanity before too long. 

    Oh!  And to post MY potential "spoiler" of the final Harry Potter book, in the last chapter, Harry and Ron change the name of Hogwart's to Liberty University and convert all the students and professors to Christianity.

    However, Snape and Dumbledore refuse to convert, and subsequently shave their heads and move into an Ashram in southern Bangladesh where they become masters of the sitar. 
    And Hermione Granger learns to bake casseroles. 


  1. Casseroles?  Methinks THAT is blasphemous.   (The rest, well, not worth my effort to bother with that person.)  
    Hope your weekend is an improvement over your week:)

  2. He comes from Rogersville? Lets just hope, someone, gives him a good rogering!
    Gaz ;-)

  3. Damn that Labcoat Larry! --Cin

  4. Man that is what I was thinking while I read...probably one of those guys on Myspace they are trying to get off...if you get my meaning! You know the ones that protest the most....

    Ya, I love how "their God" like  what isn't it my God too? is one who is vengeful & hateful of people he actually created in the first place! Ugh! I'll make you this & then tell you you are wrong & punish you. What the heck.

    I think they have salt for brains!

  5. Ahhh but can't Hermoine use a spell to make a good casserole?  lol  

    What an asshat.

    be well,

  6. he's a pretty unhappy guy