I'm in ur feedz...

    Now, if, like me, you're not yet tired of the LOLCats meme that's been destroying the internet, you can now have any feed you wish converted into a LOLCats' style of feline fun with LOLFeeds. 

    What they do is take the subjects of your entries, add random cat pictures, and turn them into cat macros.  Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they don't, and sometimes they are so spot on it's a little spooky.  For example:

    The LOL: CNN.com makes the news much cuter.

    The LOL: The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind is pretty good.

    To transform your blog into a LOL: Blog, all you have to do is paste your journal's URL in the box that says "feed me" and add "rss.xml" (you can also use "atom.xml" but for the sake of this, I'm going with the rss as an example).

    For example, my feed looks like this:

http://journals.aol.com/dpoem/TheWisdomofaDistractedMind/rss.xml
   
    So, give it a whirl, and leave a link to your LOLFeed in the comments so I can see what overwhelming cuteness you've unleashed on the blogosphere. 

    Enjoy!

-DP
   

*update*  Holly's LOL Feed is killing me.  It's too funny.  Help wanted, Bookworms, naptime, they're supposed to moooove!  It hurts...  

    Unfortunately, I noticed that this little gizmo doesn't work with private journals (sorry, Cinzano!). 

Tags: LOLFeeds, blogplugs

Wisconsin Weirdness...

    Gadzooks!

    May seems to have been a crazy month here in the land of cheese with all sorts of odd cheesehead antics and  madness.  So, if nothing else, one thing's for certain, if this keeps up, it's going to be a damn silly summer.

    First off, the month of May started off a little silly when a real estate agent was showing a home to prospective buyers, and, as is sometimes the case during these things, the homeowner was still there.  Unfortunately, the homeowner was, umm, just sort of stinking up the place since she'd been dead for two weeks.

    I think my favorite quote comes from the real estate agent herself:

"I've smelled death. I know what death smells like," she said. "I can't believe my sinuses were that bad."

    Ack!  Don't beat yourself up, Miss Real Estate Agent.   It was a really hard and nasty spring for allergies.


    In other news, as the saying about workplace romance goes: "Don't get your meat where you get your bread."  Here's a sweet story about a man turned bad, yet not bad enough to not look for a little love to bring something good and wonderful to his life of crime.

The robber forced an employee to open the cash register. He grabbed money, forced the workers to the ground, then fled. However, his accomplice didn’t move from the counter. This is when he allegedly asked the clerk out on a date.

    Hey!  It's hard to find a date here in Milwaukee.  It's...  well...  Oh, forget it.  This guy's just a really freakin' dumb criminal, and hopefully the police will catch up to him, and he'll be sent to a place where a date will be the last thing on his mind. 
   

    Now, here's a story that you might have heard about.  Apparently, the poor, dumb bastard just enjoys the smell of girl's footwear --A LOT. 

    Police recovered more than 1,500 pairs of girls' shoes stolen from all three Waukesha public high schools and Butler Middle School after arresting a man for 17 counts of burglary, Waukesha police Lt. William H. Graham said.

    "He liked to smell them," Graham said.

    1,500 freakin' pairs?!?  This guy had more women's shoes that Imelda Marcos. 
   
    Personally, I think this guy should be forced to reimburse the parents for all the shoes they had to buy after their daughters' shoes kept disappearing.  Then, he should be given the job of determining the sex of rats in the city's sewer system.  

   
    In this next little snippet, it's clear that, not only does Jesus really fear "teh cooties," it's also clear that sex, "female empowerment," and the Catholic Church STILL don't seem to go together in the 21st Century. 

    Now, I really do feel sorry for Miss Servais.  It's got to be horribly, existentially confusing when your happiness and sense of freedom as a woman comes into conflict with the "teachings" of an oppressive, misogynistic religious cult.  But, if Miss Servais would like to find another oppressive cult to give her life some sense of meaning, perhaps she could sell crotchless pantaloons on the Christian Domestic Discipline website. 

    See?  You can be a sexual Christian woman while still being a submissive, objectified piece of property for your God-fearing man to exploit.  Hooray!

   
    And, finally, how seriously do we take our beer here in Wisconsin?  Well, if you're going to put a Miller Lite tap-handle on a keg of Coors Light, it's going to cost you a whopping $175.    In other news, after reading some of those quotes in that article, I realize that my dreams of opening a bookstore in Port Washington have been completely crushed. 

-DP

Day Off...

    Hey!  Well, my paws are still giving me fits.  At this point, it's kind of like a toothache.  It's just a constant annoyance of an ache that is slowly spinning me into a very grumpy mood. 

    So, consider this a proverbial "open thread" to talk amongst yourselves.  And, to get the conversation started, please share your thoughts on the following word:

    Purple
   
-DP

Ranting, Venting, and Sundry Issues...

    Great, leaping, sweet, gay Moses!

    Today, my hands feel as though they spent the night having an anvil dropped on top of them again and again and again.  Obviously, this can only mean one thing:  I'm definitely due for another wonderful Remicade infusion, and, after checking my calendar, I can see that I get poked and plugged in this coming Friday.

    Has it been eight weeks already? 

    The funny thing is, I can always tell when I am due, and for the last two weeks, I've begun to notice things really getting inflamed, swollen, and pretty damn sore.  It's certainly distracting as I try to do my scribbling yet find myself focusing more upon the fact that typing is slowly turning into a painful little chore.  Then, before I know it, the thoughts of these aches consumes me, and I can't get a damn thing done other than write about them in the hope of finding a suitable catharsis.  Then, I have to abandon the writing because it just hurts to damned bad to type, and I'm left to just stew with my thoughts and misery.

    I suppose things would be better if the rheumatologist who put me on this stuff wasn't such an ambivalent robot of a woman.  Here's a hypothetical based on some of our recent conversations:
    "Hi doctor," I said not too long ago.  "I think if I went for these infusions every six weeks instead of eight, I'd not have this weird little urge to throttle the life out of you."
    "Nope."  She responded.  "I think you need to go eight weeks because I'm the doctor here, and I know things that you don't."
    "Okay.  Do you know that after six weeks, this stuff, which barely works to begin with, is pretty much is gone from my system, and I'm once again back to where I started?"
    "No," she said.  "But I know other things."
    "Like what?"
    "Math," she said.  "Watch!  I will add to your dosage, and I will do some tricky math to raise it by 200mg." 
    "Astounding!"
    "That's why I'm the doctor."
   
    The really annoying thing comes when she asks the arbitrary question, "on a scale of one to ten, how bad does it hurt?"

    I always laugh at the question, and I tend to sit there with a blank stare and just ask "where does drinking a lot of whiskey for breakfast so I can get out of bed fall on that scale of yours?" 
    "Okay, so that's a ten?"
    "No.  I think it's a nine.  A ten would be driving over here after breakfast and clubbing you with the empty bottle."
    "So, it's a nine, but you're just not making the face like I have on this cute little chart?  See?  That face is what a nine is supposed to look like."
    "Would it help if I make that face?"
    "It probably would."
    "Your diagnostic skills are astounding."
    "It's an art, really."
    "Yeah," I said.  "It's art that looks like it was crafted by a third-grader with a torturous home life.  But, look!  I can make that face."  [grimace]  "Is that a ten?"
   
    It's frustrating, and I figure, at this point, the doctor is pretty much better off just asking me how the weather is outside as opposed to any health-related questions since, when I answer them, they just get shrugged off anyway.  That is, unless, she asks, "on a scale of one to ten, how's the weather outside?"

    So, to make a long story short, I suppose things here may be somewhat slow this week as I find myself dealing with some of these annoying aches and doing things to avoid making these aches worse.   But, I will try to post when I can. 

-DP

Answers...

    There's a lot to be said for a nice, lazy Sunday morning, isn't there?  Hopefully, your Memorial Day weekend is a peachy one with all sorts of fun, good weather, and exciting stuff.  I know some of you are trapped indoors due to dreadful weather, and, hopefully, reading my collection of insanity will keep you occupied for at least a little while.

    But, enough of that.  Let's get on with the damn questions, okay?   

How many times a day do you check for comments on your blog?
http://2writehands.blogspot.com
Comment from easuess - 5/19/07 7:37 PM

    Ya know?  This question couldn't be timed more perfectly.  In fact, last week, before AOL's latest installation of the updated Journals software, this would have been a pretty easy question to answer.  However, as is always the case, when the update goes live, the alerts go dead, and rather than just read the emails that arrive whenever someone leaves a comment, I stopped here to check things out to find that there were about ten or fifteen new comments spread across a bunch of posts for me to read. 

    Anyway, I don't really get a lot of comments, for some reason.  My guess is that as a result of me knowing everything and being right all the time, people just don't feel the need to comment.  At least, that's what I tell myself to help me sleep at night. 

Hi !!!!!! Here is a question....
What is your favorite thing about J-Land ?
Comment from southernmush - 5/20/07 2:06 PM

    My favorite thing would have to be the smokin' hot babes who are nice enough to put up with my stupidity for any length of time.  Seriously, ladies?  What is wrong with you?  Didn't your parents warn you about guys like me? 

    Seriously though...  I think my favorite thing would have to be the people.  And, even though the journals themselves are somewhat clunky and dysfunctional (see above), the folks who use them are really very nice.  And, I still contend that I have the best readers and commenters in the world.  Trust me.  Sometimes, I'm pretty certain that you are all crazier than me, and as a result, the world isn't all that spooky.  In fact, I can look at just about any place on the map (with the exception of South America --those bastards), and I can take comfort in the fact that no matter where I go, I'm never really too far from someone who reads this lunacy.  It's a little weird. 

 Here's a classic: Which invention could you most do without and which not?
Or maybe there's something you think ought to be invented? B.
Comment from oddb0dkins - 5/20/07 5:09 PM

    Gads...  What could I do without?  Hmm... 

    I think I could live quite happily without an iPod.  I don't have one, and I really don't need one.  I enjoy listening to the world, rather than roaming around in a little bubble of sensory deprivation filled with nothing but crappy-sounding digitized music.

    As for what I couldn't live without, it's a toss-up between my coffee maker  or my Bic lighter.  (hey!  It's Sunday morning.  I can't think of anything more important at the moment).
   
    Well, I've mentioned it before, but I think someone needs to develop a herd of self-tenderizing cattle.  It would be quite the convenience if these animals could soften themselves up by throwing themselves down flights of stairs, running into one another, or just doing things to make themselves a little easier to chew.  I've had some pretty tough steaks out there, and I think this could solve that.  I don't know if it would require any deep genetic alterations, or if this process could just be accomplished by berating the cows until they feel so worthless that they develop a masochistic streak.  I suppose that's for the scientists to figure out. 

    Oh yeah.  We could also do with some self-marinating chickens. 

If DogCat and Garfield got into a fight - who would win? And if the winner had to fight my cat, Phoebe, who would win that one?  
:)
--Holly
http://journals.aol.com/h0llyk911/WelcometoMyLife/
Comment from h0llyk911 - 5/20/07 10:44 PM

    DogCat's a lover not a fighter.   Which is good considering that his paws are the size of the bottom of a Coke bottle, and he's strong enough to tear a hole in my aluminum window screen.  Seriously, if that animal turns rabid, I'm going to get a lot of phone-calls and lawsuits. 

    As for Phoebe, well...  I think he'd buddy up to her.  There's a really old, half-dead bitch of a cat two doors down who he joins on their porch.  She pretty much just hisses at him, but he keeps her company as they sit there watching the world go by. 

What is your book about?  Have you started hunting for publishers?  Do you have an agent?  What do you most enjoy about writing for the newspaper?  What to you dislike most about it?
Okay... there... start writing...
be well,
Dawn
http://journals.aol.com/princesssaurora/CarpeDiem/
Comment from princesssaurora - 5/21/07 12:30 PM

    The book's about 120,000 words (baa-dum-pum).   Actually, I'm still at the very protective stages of writing it, so I can't give too much away.  Trust me.  I want to.  I'm horrible that way since I tend to always spoil the endings of things.  But, I can say that it's a somewhat humorous hunk of speculative fiction with Nazis and the world of online-dating.  I think it's fun.  And, hopefully, it won't get me sued.

    I've not started any sort of serious search for publishers.  I want to get this book finished, and start on the next novel (which will be a series of books actually) before I start looking.  I don't know why, but I think it's just nice to have one in the bag and one in the works when looking for things like agents and publishers.  After all, my goal is not to just sell the book, but sell myself as an author.   I'm not sure if that's a good way of doing it, but it seems like a good idea to me.

    I don't write for the paper all that often.  Mostly, though, if something catches my eye, I'll come up with an idea for a freelance piece, and I'll write a proposal and flesh out an idea and see if it actually gets legs.  I think that process is always fascinating because there is a big sense of haste involved.  I don't know if I could ever really be a full-time reporter though.  It just doesn't seem to fit with me.  Now, a columnist?  Well...  That's always seemed like a ridiculously easy gig to me.  However, as I say that, I also find myself having a bit of a problem writing these days.  It's as though my vocabulary is shrinking at an alarming rate.  But, I figure I can muscle through it and come out the better.  

Miller or Bud?
:]
Comment from trickeytricky - 5/21/07 2:07 PM

    C'mon!  This is Milwaukee.   I've literally seen grown men ridiculed to the point of tears for ordering anything other than Miller.   In fact, there are a few bars around here that won't even stock Bud. 

Why am I not getting Alerts for your entries? I seem to get everyone else's. --Cin
Comment from tenyearnap - 5/21/07 3:34 PM
   
    All your 'lerts are belong to US! 
   
    I really don't know why, but a few people have complained that they aren't getting my alerts when they get them for other people's journals.  I figure AOL stuck me on a really crappy, dust-choked server somewhere that will inevitably die someday taking my journal with it.   Then, I can start over with no fear of plagiarizing myself.  Neat, huh?

Blondes, brunettes, or redheads?   Tina
Comment from onemoretina - 5/22/07 1:55 AM

    Meh...  So long as she's got a lot of money, I don't care if her hair's lime-green and she's got a tattoo of a spider eating her face.  That's the woman for me.  Yup.

     Actually, I really don't care about hair color.  I'm more interested in handgun skills.  If a woman's got terrible aim, there's a good chance that the relationship will work.  It's all about security (mine) after all.  And, I really don't think I could feel safe loving a woman who could drop me from a hundred yards out.  I'd constantly be looking over my shoulder. 

Do you eat corn on the cob from end to end or around?
Comment from teeisme57 - 5/24/07 9:19 AM

    Well, truth be told, I go from left to right when I eat corn on the cob.  And, sometimes, I even go "ding" when I get to the end of a row and hit that proverbial carriage return to start over with a new row of nice, corny goodness.


    Right!  Now I need to go loaf in the sun.  After all, for the first time in what seems like twenty years, it's not cold or raining here on the Memorial Day weekend.  I don't know how to deal with that, but I think I should give an honest effort to enjoy the day.  I hope you all are having a nice, fun relaxing weekend.  And, if you're not, well...  do yourself a favor and just pretend you are.

Take care,
Dan

Bad Album Covers...

    Oh man...  And to think I used to miss the days of album cover art.

    Here's a link to a site with 100 of the Worst Album Covers.


    It's brutal.  My eyes are bleeding, my sides have split, and I may not make it through the night.  Perhaps if I leave the light on, I might be okay...  Still, there will be screams, cold sweats and possibly a few sessions of home-electro-shock treatments. 


    Some of these, I've actually heard of, and others?  Well...  trust me on this.  It's going to hurt since I know some of you probably have one or two of these albums in your vinyl collection.










    Anyway, I hope you enjoy.  And, to those of you still not quite getting that whole Swedish prison bikini team thing, perhaps you should give the following a listen:

    Why is that man carrying an axe and a bag roughly the size of a human head?  Does he not understand his Swede?  He should be happy that, after nine kids his wife still looks hot dancing around out there on the permafrost in a miniskirt and clogs. 
 
-DP

I've Been on the Internets Too Long...

    I admit, when I first saw a bit about the STFU museum opening in Arkansas, I thought, It's about damned time! 
   

The STFU deserves to be remembered. In the history of organized labor, of civil rights, of Arkansas and the South, the STFU mattered.

    Ain't that the truth.   I mean, they could devote an entire wing to Rosie O'Donnell alone.   That would be something I'd pay to see.  In fact, it could have a sort of petting-zoo attraction where a cardboard cutout could be set up with the offender's most annoying statements piped in, and people could just stand there and scream "STFU!"

    Unfortunately, my elation turned quickly to disappointment upon learning that the acronym STFU does not mean what I really, really want it to mean. 

-DP

Saturday Noise...

    I am having one of those days.  It's actually kind of funny.  Did you ever feel like you wanted something, but you had no idea what it was you were craving?  I mean, I'm sitting here thinking about breakfast, I'm kind of hungry, and for the life of me, I have no idea what the hell I want.  And, I'm pretty sure that by the time I figure it out, it will be lunch, and the whole damn vicious cycle will begin anew.  Then, dinner will come, and if this keeps up, I will starve to death. 

    I'm just completely ambivalent today.

    And, of course, I blame Paul for everything.  He's got a pretty lively discussion going over at AWV, and it's taken up little nuggets of my time here and there.  It's fun, though.  So, you should all join in.  Unlike the AOL message boards, the conversations on Paul's blog are civil, mature, intelligent and enlightening without some poo-flinging potato-head dropping in to tell everyone that they're going to burn in hell. 
   
    Unfortunately, I can be somewhat hard on religion which sometimes is translated that I am attacking God.  But, really, I don't have a problem with God.  But, I DO think religion ranks just above the Macarena when it comes to the worst things to ever happen to humanity.  Maybe I'm naive, but I just don't see any good reason why mankind should be required to appeal to something which, as it stands, is essentially a figment whose definition we can't agree upon and subsequently blow each other up because of it. 

    Oh well...  I'm off to figure out lunch (no.  I have no clue what I want.  You're welcome to suggest something).  Later today (or early tomorrow), I will post the answers to your questions.  So, you still have time to Ask Me Anything. 

    Other than that, does anyone have any nifty plans for Memorial Day? 

-DP

Oink!

   
    Now that's a big, freaking pig. 

    So, this 11-year old Alabama lad was out hunting when came across a wild boar weighing a smidge over a half a ton (1,051 lbs.).  Now, I think most people would have run screaming up the nearest tree with this beast hot on their tail, but Jamison Stone simply did what any other gun-toting Alabamian pre-teen would do.  He pulled out his trusty fifty-caliber pistol, blasted eight shots into the behemoth and chased it for three hours through the Alabama backwater before finishing it off with a point blank shot. 

    To find out more, Jamison's father put up a web-site devoted to the monster pig. (apparently, the site has been taken down due to negative comments It seems as though the site is back up and running with sections devoted to both negative and positive comments.  Check out the negative ones.  Some are just plain batty).

    Of course, it's stories like these that keep me out of Alabama.  I don't know if I'm more afraid of the big hogs, or the 11-year-old kids capable of firing fifty-caliber handguns. 

    Oh well, bye bye Big Pig. 

    Ham sandwich, anyone?

-DP

Sweden's Unforgivable Human Rights Violations!

    Now, this is what was missing from the movie Midnight Express. 

    In the long list of Sweden's human rights violations, I think denying the female prison population access to two-piece swimwear is, if not cruel, certainly unusual punishment, I guess.       

Female prisoners demand bikinis

Published: 25th May 2007 13:35 CET
Online: http://www.thelocal.se/7412/

Women at a prison outside Gothenburg have decided to fight for their right to a decent sun tan.

Sweden's Justice Ombudsman has received a letter from the Prisoners' Council at Sagsjön jail in which the women bemoan the fact that they are not permitted to wear bikinis.

"It's a human right," wrote the chairwoman of the council.

Since bikinis are not standard issue in jail, and inmates are not permitted to wear their civilian clothes, the prisoners consider themselves victims of discrimination, Aftonbladet reports.

"How are we supposed to be able to sunbathe at all? They answer we have got is that we can sunbathe in shorts and sports tops.

"In other words, we are treated differently because we are in an institution and we are disriminated [sic] against because of our gender," the women wrote.

"We want to be able to enjoy the sun just like everybody else in Sweden, whether they are in an institution or on the outside."

-DP

Dumbass... Oy!

   
    Now, here's a fascinating bit of irony.

    Apparently, Fort Worth students were protesting the fact that, as a result of failing the Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills exam (TAKS), they were unable to walk across the stage or participate in the commencement exercises. 

    Sad?  Yes.

    However, if you're going to protest and demand that you be allowed to take part in the ceremonies, don't you think that carrying a sign reading "Let Are Kids Walk"(pictured) is not exactly the best way of going about things? 

-DP

Yowza!

    You load 98 tons, and what do you get? 

    A big friggin' mess, if you ask me.

Athens - Cleanup crews in Athens collected 98 ton of beer cans left behind by Liverpool and AC Milan fans during their stay in the city for Wednesday's Champions League final, a city official said on Thursday.

"From Tuesday onwards, we collected seven truck-loads of beer cans," the official told private Flash Radio following AC Milan's 2-1 win.

"Each load is fourteen tonnes...and because beer has a certain effect on bodily functions, we had to wash many areas with shampoo afterwards," he added.

Thousands of fans, mainly Liverpool supporters, arrived in Athens without tickets and authorities created gathering areas in the city's main squares to accommodate them.

From the Zappeion gathering area alone, where a large screen was erected to show the final, cleanup crews collected two tonnes of beer cans, the official said.

"This has all gone into recycling," he said.

Police detained 230 fans found in possession of fake tickets but released them after questioning. (link to story)

    Umm...  Shampoo?!?  They actually had to shampoo the city of Athens?  Did they use Grecian Formula? 

    Sorry...  It just called for it, ya know. 

-DP

Free Willy!

    Hmm...  Apparently, AOL's mail-server is utterly borked, and it seems Wil Wheaton is being confused for a spammer.  And, after reading some of the comments, it seems AOL is confusing a whole mess of people with spammers.

    So, if you have an AOL email account (like me), and you've been expecting a love-letter (like I always am), a chain-letter, or some other bit of correspondence, there may be a chance you're not being ignored.  It's possible the ISP of the sender is blocked as a result of AOL's effective, but somewhat touchy email filter.

    So, if any AOL tech-heads stumble across this, could you maybe mend this issue?  It seems like it could turn into a huge problem to me.

    See?  I can give a heads-up without descending into a flaming rage.

-DP 

Oops...

    Hi there.

    Sorry I've not updated.  Things on this end have been an insane and wildly frantic mess, but they've been good.  I did have a moment of soul-crushing ennui, but rather than post on this journal, I grabbed some tools and actually tinkered with the furnace. 

    As it turns out, an obnoxiously tiny and tucked away wire which had been connected to the flame sensor had somehow come loose, and after some considerable swearing that left my deaf cat trembling, and after a few bloody knuckles (man...  That sheet metal is sharp), I got it reconnected and now the thing runs better than it ever has.  So, if nothing else, I'm ready for those cold summer nights here in Cheeseland.  Yippeee... 

    Other than that, I think people in my doctor's office are trying to kill me.  I tried to get a prescription refilled, but for some reason, they neglected the fax (and the seven subsequent faxes) which the pharmacy sent for my doctor to sign so I could get my blood pressure medication. 

    Needless to say, in terms of blood-pressure, this sort of incompetence is really counterproductive to actually preventing a deep-vein thrombosis or pretty much any other life-ending cardiac event.  But, it managed to get fixed when I grabbed a whole heap of copies of the unrequited fax the poor, lonely pharmacist was trying to send for the past week, and I charged up to the doc's office to get the damn signature myself.  If not for me and my health, but for the sad pharmacist and all the pimple-faced geeks out there who have spent countless nights whimpering while waiting for a phone that will never ring.  It was my mission, my cause, and rather than the usual stench of death that clung to the walls of that hospital, the air changed to one of hope. 

    "I'm sorry," one of the random, pastel-coated, walking-dead zombie nurses said.  "Your doctor isn't here today."
    "Well," I said as I started flipping a week's worth of faxes onto her desk like a blackjack dealer who'd just lost the house.  "Was she here this day?  How about this one?  Maybe she was here on this day.  Oh look?  Here's last week.  Was she here last freakin' week?"  

    Eventually, Zombie-nurse helpedme to track down my doctor's assistant/student/spineless underling --a small, squirrelly, Chinese man whom, during my last visit there several months back, I taught all the proper inflections of the word "shit."
    "Hello, Dr. Potato Head," I said.  "Sign this so I don't die."
    "What is this shit?"  He said, showing off his slick new grasp of the English language.  I was proud for a moment.
     "I've been trying to get this prescription filled for the past week," I said.  "Your boss is refusing to pay any attention to this.  Is she drunk or something?"
     Then, Dr. Potato Head said, "She's gotten kind of bad lately.  I've been having to stab her to get things done."
    "Umm..."  I scratched my head at the notion of this little fellow stabbing my doctor.  It made me smile a little.  "Stab her?"
    "Yes." He said.  "You know?  Stab her.  Like a cow.  I have to stab her like a cow." 
    "I think you mean prod," I said. 
    "Not the same?"  He asked.
    "No," I said.  "Not in a hospital."
    "Shit."
   
    Anyway, eventually, the little fellow signed my request, and I trundled my way down to the pharmacy and proceeded to wait.  But, it wasn't all bad.  I mean, I did pass the time with the image of my tiny Chinese doctor going wild with a knife in his hand as he tries to get anyone to do anything while screaming "shit" with reckless abandon. 
   
    It's beautiful, man...  Beautiful.

    Let's see...  Other than that, things are good. 

    How are you? 

-DP
   

Blogger's Block...

    Yes.  I seem to be wrestling with an annoying bout of Blogger's Block.  I can't think of a damn thing to write about, and just sitting here typing ad infinitum doesn't really seem like an entertaining thing to do.  I suppose it's a "mood thing."  I mean, I could pummel my way through any number of cutesy memes that seem to be flopping around the intertubes.  But, those things get kind of old. 

    So, I think the easiest way to solve this dilemma would be to turn the reins over to you, my readers, and create another episode Ask Me Anything.

    It's pretty simple really.  In the comments section, or via email (DPoem@aol.com), leave a question about whatever you please, and I'll answer it in an entry sometime in the near future.  Some answers may be serious, and others, well, not so much. 

    So, what are you waiting for?  Now is your chance to go all Gestapo storm-trooper and interrogate the living hell out of me.  I'm weak.  Ask me anything!

-DP

Furnace Issues...

    Well, this is a fine how-do-you-do...

     Last night, my furnace decided to go a little "splody."  Normally, when it decides to work, it will hiss as gas is dispensed, followed by a brief buzzing sound, and this is usually capped off by an impressive "whoosh" as it fills its belly with nice, happy, helpful fire to warm the house.
   
    However, over the course of the previous winter, the buzzing has gotten longer, and the "whoosh" has gotten bigger and more intimidating.  And, yesterday, it blew a whole bunch of flames out the front like some sort of carnival show.  It was actually pretty neat, and well...  very hot!  Which, I suppose is what a furnace is supposed to do --just not all at once. 

    So, I flipped the little kill switch to shut it down, while DeafCat poked her nose around looking for a cheap high on natural gas fumes.

    Great, I thought.  My cat's a freakin' huffer, and my furnace is a bomb.  How did my life come to this?

    On the plus side, this isn't entirely unexpected.  The furnace is old, and I've been doing what I can to keep it alive through winter (it's got the dents and scratches in its sheet metal to prove this).  And, I knew it was pretty much only a matter of time before I would have to stop my heroic efforts and inevitably pull the plug on the old beast.  After all, replacing a furnace in the dead of winter is not just a hassle, it's an expensive hassle.  So, I think I achieved a small victory of sorts, and now, since the prospect of hypothermia is only slightly possible, I can take my time in replacing it, and I plan to enjoy the summer sitting on the patio watching the squealing A/C unit expire before replacing them both.  Fortunately, I have some chums who do this sort of thing for a living.  Unfortunately, I'm certain a considerable beer-gratuity will be tacked on to material costs in lieu of a labor charge. 

     Ah well...  the only glitch is that the lows are forecast to be in the forties for the next few days, so I'll just have to find a better blanket and pretend that I'm camping or something. 

-DP

On Notice...

           
    I didn't want to have to do this.  I really didn't.  However, I am afraid I am now going to have to declare war on the entire continent of South America.  It's been days since I posted a simple request for a single, simple visit, yet no one south of the Equator has dropped by, and my OCD has been kicked into overdrive to the point where I just don't think I can function.  Doesn't anyone down there have internet access?  Don't you care? 

    Look at my little map, for god's sake.  What do I have to do? 

    I love the drug cartels!  I love the underwear thieves.  I love piranhas and those Amazonian spiders which are big enough to eat chickens (by the way, what the hell is a chicken doing in the jungle in the first place?).  I may even go so far as to tell you that the Alpaca is a damn sexy beast as opposed to saying that it looks like a goat with a hormone problem.

    Every continent is represented except you, South America.  I know.  Antarctica doesn't have a red dot, but until the penguins mobilize and invade another nation, I'll never consider it a continent. 

    Hey!  Perhaps they'll invade you?   And, when the Falkland Islands fall, don't come crying to me to stop that black and white tuxedoed horde.  I may cry for Argentina, but the rest of your continent can sod off.

    You can end this now, South America.  I may be small and alone, but my tantrums are legendary. 
   
-DP

I Feel Your Pain, Cinzano!

    Here's a link to a little snip of audio which I nicked from Dooce.

    Click here to listen.

    You may have to listen to FM100's Kristy Snow and her Salt Lake City traffic report twice to get the full effect of a seemingly over-medicated traffic reporter really giving it her all.         

-DP

Next Time, Check The Couch Cushions.

    A young man shot himself without using a gun.

Damion M. Mosher, who put bullets in a vise and whacked them with a hammer to empty the brass shell casings, was hit in the abdomen by one of the shots, authorities said.

[...]

Mosher, 18, told authorities he was trying to empty the .223-caliber rounds to collect the brass casings for scrap.

    Someone needs a paper route, methinks. 

Bye-Bye Bigot.

   
    A few people have emailed me today asking how I felt about the death of Jerry Falwell.  And, all I can say is that I'm honestly relieved.  Any time a hate-spewing bigot dies, I think the world becomes a much better, shinier place.  The death of Jerry Falwell silences a non-stop fountain of pseudo-Christian hatred. 

    Unfortunately, as is the case in these situations, it's only a matter of time before another, more vitriolic, "Christian" arrives to take their late-leader's place.  However, for now, I think America, and the world, just became a slightly kinder, more-tolerant place. 

    Anyway, to give the corpulent sow the send-off I believe he deserves, let's take a look at some of Jerry's Greatest Hits, and remember when hate was all the rage:

“Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them”

    Yes.  It's the wisdom of teh lawd, mah chillin'... 

“I had a student ask me, "Could the savior you believe in save Osama bin Laden?" Of course, we know the blood of Jesus Christ can save him, and then he must be executed”

    Can I get a witness? 

“Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions”

    The above goes a long way in explaining just how seriously he took his brainwashed, hate-filled followers. 

“AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals”

    Yes.  It's such good pseudo-Christian compassion to turn up your noses at the sick and dying out of sheer ignorance and intolerance.  "Moral Majority" my ass.

“The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country”

    Oy.  Given the timbre of the above quotes, I'm pretty damn glad these sorts of Christians don't have their own country.  It'd just be a smoldering hole in the ground.  Then again...  hmm... 

“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

    Wow.  So, it's like a really exclusive club or something, huh?

“Textbooks are Soviet propaganda”

    Only the red ones, right?  RIGHT? 

“(re: 9/11 attacks) "...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."”

    Yep.  Nuttier than a box of squirrel turds. 

“[homosexuals are] brute beasts...part of a vile and satanic system [that] will be utterly annihilated, and there will be a celebration in heaven.”

    I don't think I like this place called "heaven."  But, Jerry sure makes me want to believe in a place called Hell. 

“It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening”

    In other words, Jerry wants his damn pie.  Get in the kitchen women. 
   
    These quotes were culled from here.  There are many wonderful sites out there devoted to displaying the recently deceased Jerry Falwell's love for his fellow human being. 

      
-DP

What the...?

    Now, I swear.  Earlier this morning, I was preparing a rather substantial rant on how much I've come to hate, loathe, despise, and want to brutally murder the silly nimrod who created those insanely obnoxious Geico cavemen ads, when I saw this:

    ABC's New Shows for the 2007-08 Season

    What kind of brain-dead, lint-sucking stump would willingly create a show based around a ridiculously stupid ad campaign?  Didn't they learn anything from The California Raisins?  That was marginally appealing, but after ten minutes of having my entire existence saturated by a collection of dried fruit singing Motown hits, it was clear I'd had enough, and I quickly moved on to more entertaining things like razor blades and battery acid.

    So, what can we expect from the show Cavemen?  Well, here's a video preview (which, thankfully, my browser lacks the requisite plug-in needed to view the annoying thing), but I'm pretty sure it will be centered around flaccid jokes pertaining to banging rocks together to create fire and how the Stone Age act of clubbing doesn't quite fit with today's cosmopolitan, condo-dwelling caveman. 

    Gaaah!  Some things just shouldn't exist. 

-DP

The Weakest Link...

    Another Mothers' Day is in the books, and I hope everyone's was fun and rewarding with family, friends and those crazy people in your lives who make things exciting.  Mine was good.  Any time I get to goof around with my mom, my dad and my brothers is always interesting and a source for lots of insane, goofy smiles. 

    My twin brother arrived with his wife, child and a tremendously wonked out back.  And, with the herd mentality of my family, any sign of weakness is something to be immediately exploited as the weakest link is ridiculed to the point of either leaving the herd, or he's left behind to be eaten by wolves.

    "Hey," I said.  "How'd you screw up your back?"
     "Oh, you know."  He said.  "I was doing manly, guy things.  Real testicle-straining stuff."
     "You were planting flowers!"  His wife shouted from the other room, "three tiny flowers!  I had to plant the rest."

    Obviously, the ridicule-meter was pegged in the red --almost as red as my brother's face at his wife's revelation that gardening damn near crippled him.

    During my laughter, he dropped a piece of cheese on the floor, and we both just sort of stared at it with a curious amusement.
    "Think you can do me a favor, Dan?"  My poor, broken brother asked with a nod toward the floor.
    "Not a problem," I replied before grabbing him by the back of his neck and bending him over.  "Can you reach it now?"

    Sometimes, I think it's the blood-chilling screams I miss the most from my childhood. 

-DP

Random Muttering...

    Some may say I'm on a diet...

    I consider it a hunger strike until someone gives me a goddamn pie. 


Sorry, folks...  I just had to get that out. 

-DP

Hi Mom!

    "Hi Mom!  What would you like for Mother's Day?"
    "An alibi."
    "Umm..."
    "Your father will be lucky if he makes it to dinner tonight."

I love my mom.

-DP

Genre-fy Me...

    Just a quick Saturday entry today to ask for a little input (or a lot actually).  I've got a busy day ahead of me with all sorts of annoying running around, and then there's that whole Mother's Day thing tomorrow.  So, I have to wash my only pair of socks before she gets it into her head that since I'm not wearing socks, I must not be eating enough, and I wind up with a fridge full of chaos.  

    Yes.  I have a mother.  I wasn't raised by wolves, people...

    Anyway, though I may live to regret this, I just wanted to say that in the coming days (or possibly week or two), I am going to try to post a hunk of short-fiction which I've yet to write.  I figure a short story to hopefully entertain you all wouldn't be a terrible thing, and it may actually become something I'll do once a month or so if it works out. 

    The problem is that, before now, everything I've written has pretty much been in the genre of general, literary fiction.  And, to be honest, I've hit a certain wall in that area, and I find myself somewhat bored with it.  That's not to say it's not fun, but I just want to write a story which is completely crazy without all those pesky restrictions of reality. 

    I suppose what I am asking from you, my few faithful readers, is if you have any really insane ideas to share which you'd like to see someone build a story around, and a genre you'd like to see me attempt to write in. 

    Of course, this could get tricky.  But, it definitely will stretch this imagination  of mine which has been bottled up for quite some time. 

    So, does anyone have any ideas for a story I should write? 

-DP

Gaaah!

   
    I'm sitting here looking at my little Cluster Map of visitors to my page, and it's really starting to get me all wigged-out gonky to the point that I want to fly to Rio and log on to this blog from some beachfront hotel. 

    So, if anyone knows of someone in South America, could you please do me a favor and tell them to stop by this place before I go completely nutty? 

    Man...  It's hard being me. 

-DP

Milwaukee Madness...

    Now, it's no small secret that the Milwaukee Brewers are off to an astounding start to the 2007 baseball season with the best record in baseball.  However, with winning comes crazy things --very crazy things. 

    Perhaps the greatest example of this madness is the fact that, as of posting this, 814 proud Brewers' fans have signed up to pee their pants should the team make it to the playoffs.  Should this happen, I think the plan is to create some sort of ersatz "subway series" type of atmosphere here by making the entire city smell like any number of random New York subway stops. 

    We don't have a subway system in Milwaukee.  We have a bus.  So, apparently, these 814 people are going to do what they can, I guess. 

    Can't we just go back to the days of free cheese and cheap beer? 

-DP

Also, Only in Wisconsin...

    What the hell?  It wasn't that rough of a winter.  Where the hell are all these stupid people coming from?

Nanny 911? Listen to an actual 911 call
A Dodge County woman — apparently under the influence of a TV show — called 911 this week because she needed a baby sitter.

“I need a nanny,” the woman says. “Yeah, this is a nanny 911.”

The woman goes on to request a baby sitter, help with her kids and someone to keep her company.

    I...  think...  I think I need to get out of here.  Between this and the "Davenport of Doom," it's clear Wisconsin is turning into a really weird place.

-DP  

Randomness...

    First, Tony Blair is apparently stepping down on June 27th.  From what I've been able to gather, his original plan was to step down as the people of England stand up.  However, I'm thinking he's become quite desperate to unhitch his wagon from the lame horse that is the Bush Administration, and he's since cast aside the necessary benchmarks and timeline for his withdrawal from British politics. 

    The thing is, I kind of like Tony Blair, and I feel somewhat sorry for the guy.  After all, he really didn't have many options once our pseudo-cowboy King George started spouting his nonsense that you're either with us or against us.  And, since I don't live in England, I suppose I really don't know much about him.  Hopefully, now, he'll turn into a raging drunkard.


    In other news, I stumbled upon this headline that you might want to jot down since the weekend's fast approaching:

Oral sex linked to throat cancer   
A virus contracted through oral sex is the cause of some throat cancers, say US scientists.

HPV infection was found to be a much stronger risk factor than tobacco or alcohol use, the Johns Hopkins University study of 300 people found.

The New England Journal of Medicine study said the risk was almost nine times higher for people who reported oral sex with more than six partners.

But experts said a larger study was needed to confirm the findings.

[...]

"As this was a small study, further research is needed to confirm these observations," [Dr. Julie Sharp said.]

    Perhaps the most promising thing in all this is the statement that a larger study and more research needs to be done, and it's not like I've got any plans this weekend.  Sign me up!


    Now, this is just really damn weird.

Colombia hunts underwear robbers  

The gang has become known across the city as the "knicker robbers". They do not usually hurt their victims, instead demanding only underwear and valuables.

Police in Pereira have described the gang as "sexual maniacs".

    I really don't know what to say about this.  Yes.  I'm speechless.  But, I'm waiting to see the inevitable headline stating that some dumb bastard was stabbed to death after giving his girlfriend a mountain of dirty underwear. 

-DP

Ha-Ha!

    I'm going to agree with Paul Ryan that this has got to be the funniest (or worst) sports' headline ever. 

    Is it wrong of me to laugh? 
  
-DP

Only in Wisconsin.

    Man...  Summer just can't get here soon enough.  People are getting too damn crazy around here, methinks.

Annual couch ride proves dangerous for three men in Pierce County

An annual ritual of riding a couch that is being towed behind a pick-up truck across a pasture proved to be a bad idea for three men early Sunday morning. (Pierce County Herald)

    A bad idea?!?  What could possibly go wrong? 

-DP

Well... This Will Go to My Head.

Which God or Goddess are you like? Your Result: You are your own God or Goddess   Sorry to say, i have no answer that fits you. You are your very own person, and you like to do things your own way. You have stumped me this time, but i will soon make a quiz that will have your answer, just you wait...
Goddess Sekhemet
Satan
God Zeus
Goddess Bast
Budha
Jesus
The Christian God
Which God or Goddess are you like? Make Your Own Quiz

    I figured I'd have a higher Buddha rating since I've put on a few pounds.  But, I have no problems being my own God.  After all, it means I've only got myself to blame. 

-DP

Drawing a Blank.

    I can't really seem to think of anything to scribble about today.  So, I'm going to encourage you all to pimp, plug, or write about anything you please.  Feel free to share some links, jokes, questions or whatever. 

    I'm off to devour a cheddarwurst that's been bothering me for a day or so. 

-DP

How to Kill a Sunday...

    This morning I finally got around to reading through the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly which arrived yesterday.  I like to keep up with all the wonderful things the beautiful people do, after all. 

     Anyway, in a comically tiny, ridiculously hidden insert tucked away somewhere near the middle, there was a small insert devoted to what they called the 25 greatest moments in science-fiction television and film from the past 25 years. 
   
    Oh joy!  A list.  I like lists, and even though I'm not a particularly large fan of the genre, I was somewhat curious to read this little pamphlet.   Unfortunately, after reading, I believe I may have to change my opinion that it's utterly impossible to compile any sort of list while having your groin repeatedly smashed with a wooden mallet.  But, let's take a look at EW's picks, and you can judge for yourself:


#25   V: The Miniseries (1983)

    No.  Please stop trying to give this show relevance.  It was flat from Day One, and it never quite gained any life.  It was nothing but bright colors, cute noises and lizards from outer space. 

#24   Galaxy Quest (1999)

    You know, I think this should actually be a little higher on the list.  I actually cracked up and damn near collapsed while watching this movie.  I expected it to be dreadful, but the way they took every science fiction cliche and really had a good bit of fun with them.  Plus, Tony Shaloub flat-out rocked as the ultra-laid-back engineer. 

#23   Doctor Who (1963-present)

    Why is this at 23?!?  This belongs in the top ten (if not the top five). 

#22   Quantum Leap (1989-1993)

    Meh...  Could've found a better #22.  I think the movie Stargate could fit here since it's not even on the damn list, but it spawned a TV series that lasted 10 years. 

#21    Futurama (1999-2003)

     I've only seen maybe one or two episodes of this show.  They were pretty funny. 
   
#20   Star Wars: Clone Wars (2003-2005)

    What the...?!?  How is this...  What were you think....  Oh, screw it. 

#19   Starship Troopers (1997)

    I think the "panel" that put this silliness together seems to have taken a lunch break at #20 and left a drooling chimp in charge.

#18   Heroes (2006-present)

    A long lunch with martinis. 

#17   Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

    No.  A long lunch with martinis and heroin.

#16   Total Recall (1990)

    Whew...  Back from lunch.  Not sure if this should be as high as #16, but it should be on the list. 

#15   Firefly/Serenity (2002/2005)

    Sober up, stuff the chimp back in it's cage, and put this show in the top ten.  Show Joss Whedon the respect he deserves for this little gem of creative genius.

#14    Children of Men (2006)
   
    Gah...  Idiots.  Like Heroes, I don't understand how this could even be on the list.  It came out last Christmas.  The DVD didn't come out until...  umm...  Last week? 

#13   Terminator/Terminator 2 (1984/1991)

    Okay.  This works. 

#12   Back to the Future (1985)

    Whew...  Good one.

#11   Lost (2004-present)

    Has this never-ending collection of poorly draw characters actually been on the air since 2004?!?  This should be near the bottom of the list.  Very near.

#10   The Thing (1982)

    Oh, hell yeah!  Kurt Russell's second best move next to Big Trouble in Little China.

#9   Aliens (1986)

    Let me guess.  The list-makers felt the need to kiss James Cameron's ass somehow.  So, they settled for a second rate sequel of a damn good original that's older than 25 years. 

    Hey!  That explains why they put the freaking Star Wars cartoon on this list.  

#8   Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1984)
   
    I suppose.  

#7   E.T. (1982)

    Oy... 

#6   Brazil (1986)

    Perfect.  Maybe there's hope for this list as we approach the top five?

#5   Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn (1982)

    Umm...  Maybe not.  But hey!  Ricardo Montalban's hair kicked ass.  I'm thinking, whomever put this list together just added this so he could have an excuse to type "Kaaaaahhhhn!"

#4   The X-Files (1993-2002)

    This is a good spot for this show.  You got lucky --like chicken-shit bingo. 

#3   Blade Runner (1982)

    Definitely belongs on the list, but could be a little lower.  But, we could finish strong.

#2   Battlestar Galactica (2003-present)

    Well, after the surreal manner in which the last season ended by weaving pieces of the episode's dialogue around a pretty slick cover version of Bob Dylan's "All Along the Watchtower," I think this show deserves the Number One spot.  That was just freaking awesome.

#1  The Matrix (1999)
   
    Oh, for the love of god.  It's a good movie, but it certainly doesn't deserve the Number One spot.  Stop beating a dead horse you silly fanboy. 

-DP
   

A Random Thought..

   
    I think my head is going to explode.  I just went from watching the rained-out NASCAR race to flipping on the Food Network to find Emeril cooking. 

    That's quite a stretch.  But, it's only the beginning...

    To make matters worse, I then flipped on the Milwaukee Brewers' game to hear that they had the best record in baseball and that the Hot Dog won the Sausage Race (You'd think they'd GIVE it to the Chorizo with it being Cinco de Mayo and all). 

    Online, the few news blurbs I scanned before giving up and coming here stated that the ubiquitous "they" have possibly discovered that Mercury has a molten core and that some dumbass bid ten million dollars for the General Lee car from The Dukes of Hazard on eBay.  Even the internets have forsaken me today...

    I don't like it.  I don't like it one damn bit.  I feel like pulling a Hoff by getting good and liquored up and ending my night rolling around on the floor eating some KFC. 

-DP
   

You People!

    Ahhh...  I love a nice, lazy weekend.  There's not much going on here today, and life is nice and slow.  So, in lieu of thinking, I figured it might be a perfect time to get caught up on some of the comments I've received in the past week.  After all, I don't want you guys to feel like you're talking to a wall or anything, and this is my attempt to be a little less wall-ish.  Plus, I get to tag this thing with a blog plugs tag to make Joe put it in his blog so people can read your blogs (if you left a link), and eventually, we'll get so freakin' "meta" the universe will implode, and we'll all be able to meet (just try not to get too grabby, okay?).

    Anyway, here are some comments from last Saturday's entry about the earthquake in England: 

As a Brit, I am now bored shitless about all this earthquake Malarky! Actualy, earthquakes are not as uncommon here as you Americans think, we get sunny days too, infact its been the hottest April on record, not s drop of rain!
The guys quote was a corker though.
Gaz ;-)
Comment from gazker - 4/28/07 12:43 PM

    I was just surprised at how ambivalent the Brits seemed to be about the whole thing, Gaz.  It reminded me of a buddy of mine in L.A. who once told me he doesn't bother getting out of bed for anything less than a four or five on the Richter scale.  When I was in San Francisco some years back, there was a little shaker that didn't even make the news, and I went from walking a nice, straight line to feeling like I'd just downed a bottle of Jagermeister.  I think that's when they figured out that I was a tourist.

LOL... dayum... I think if this guys wife needs to get checked by a gyno because my cramps wouldn't be confused for an dang quake!  LOL

ps... I am gonna live... email me... I think you missed the alert.

be well,
Dawn
Comment from princesssaurora - 4/28/07 2:39 PM

     If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times:  All your 'lerts are belong to us. 

Lori [helmswondermom] pointed me your way.
Never heard of the English "stiff upperlip"? LOL
Worse than that, if hurricane-force winds batter my neck of the woods, they say it's a trifle windy.

Guido
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/NorthernTrip
Comment from pharmolo - 4/28/07 6:01 PM

    Well, there are certain perks which come with that stiff upper lip.  When my Manx buddy Carl and I were playing pool for drinks, after about six hours of my drinking free, he looked at me at said "I think I'm losing." 

I think he meant a cramp in her leg....but still...
Lyn

http://journals.aol.com/ukgal36/Britsblog/
Comment from ukgal36 - 4/29/07 8:45 AM

    Ahh...  See?  This is where I would have said something different.  If I was in that man's shoes, I'd have probably said something like "I figure I must've been snoring, and my wife was beating the ever-living crap out of me trying to get me to stop.  In fact, even after looking at the devastation outside this morning, I'm still not 100% sure that's not what really happened." 

Even here in L.A. we hear some gems after the walls stop shaking.  After the last 'big one', I remember seeing a farmer being interviewed on TV.  He was telling the newsguy that some of his cows were dead.   The newsman remarked: Sir, how do you that the earthquake killed them?"  The farmer's response .... " Because they're dead."   Tina http://journals.aol.com/onemoretina/Ridealongwithme
Comment from onemoretina - 4/30/07 1:33 AM

      Classic.  We get kind of the same thing with cows in trees after tornadoes. 

I'm with you on the brandy rations.  B.
Comment from oddb0dkins - 4/30/07 2:09 AM..

    Hmm...  I think a good ration would be 50% of England's brandy for you, and 50% for me.  Everyone else can drink gin. 

    Monponsett mentioned that England deserves a Godzilla, but really, doesn't everyone deserve a Godzilla?  However, moving on:
    I got a lot of concern in the comments on the allergy entry.  That was nice, but my allergies aren't that nasty.  I'm just really good at bitching about them. 

You know it's Spring when your dog decides it's idea of a busy day is to try to convince it's owner to move outside and live there out in the open. Sorry to hear about the allergies giving you grief. On another note it sounds just like something you would of complained about in your Gripe Line........(Hint, hint....) Have you moved beyond letting your readers in on your latest bitch???? Enquiring readers want to know. (Hugs) Indigo
http://journals.aol.com/rdautumnsage/ravens-lament/
Comment from rdautumnsage - 4/30/07 11:19 AM

    Yeah...  I've been neglecting the Gripe Line.  It probably has something to do with spending more time with my ex-girlfriend and subjecting the unfortunate woman to no end of gripes and whatnots.  I figure, if she doesn't stab me in the neck and light me on fire, I think I can safely call her the most understanding woman in the world.

Spring is most definately here. I found a tick in my bed this morning. EEEWWWW!
Comment from teeisme57 - 4/29/07 10:22 AM

    A tick in your bed?  I can't imagine how that's possible.  Don't they run away when you pee on them? 

At the risk of sounding like Jack Lemon & Walter Mattheau dualing in the pharmacy on who has which pain....

My week included 2 ERs in one day & now 2 herniated disks...one pressing on the nerve & the other I think is starting to. Neurosurgeon is next. I'd love to just have allergies right now. Count your blessings.
Comment from <aset="yes" href="http://journals.aol.com/psychfun" target="_blank">psychfun - 4/29/07 12:47 PM</aset="yes">

    Egads!  You've been doing the Lambada, haven't you?  Who do you think you are?  I mean, Patrick Swayze lost his mullet, spent two-weeks in traction, blew-out his entire career and knocked-up half of New Jersey trying to dance the "Forbidden Dance".  Next time, stick to Riverdance.  And take it easy and get better soon!

French Kissing disease laden poultry again? Dirrrrty.
Comment from jenneejenn79 - 4/30/07 11:12 AM

    Well, it was dark, I was drunk, and the poultry was driving an Audi, after all. 

I could eat the flowers that gave you allergies, and not even sniffle. Schoolmarms have kick-ass immune systems.
Comment from monponsett - 5/4/07 9:00 AM

    Just what I need: another flower-eating, super-human schoolmarm fantasy.  Gaah!  You have no idea how much therapy I had to endure in order to shake my Mary Poppins fetish, dammit.

    Anywho, the Loyalty Day entry not only got me a few comments, but I also saw on my StatCounter that I had received a visit from the FCC.  I don't know if someone was dropping in for fun and giggles or to see if I was trying to organize a coup.  Next time, maybe they'll leave a comment telling me to pack my bags and not make any plans for the next several years. 

Just to let you know, we Brits aint too keen on dancing round the May pole either. The May pole is actualy a symbol of fertility, its a big dick. No wonder your President is so fond of the first of May! One big dick deserves another!!!!!
Gaz ;-)
Comment from gazker - 5/1/07 3:21 PM

    Why do I have the urge to do the Safety Dance whenever I read this comment?  It's weird, man... 

well living in MN May does not mean no chance of snow!  Sad but true.  I remember at preschool (not mine) but my kids.. they had to make paper baskets of flowers and were told to put them on people's doors.  We did it... we are freaks... did I have themdo it this year.. heck no!  No one that lives around me anymore deserves those paper flowers (oh wait.. maybe the do! lol)
Being a former dancer.. oh never mind!

Promise
http://journals.aol.com/promiseluv372/PromiseMe/
http://journals.aol.com/promiseluv372/TheJournalJar/
Comment from promiseluv372 - 5/4/07 11:25 AM

    A Minnesota pole-dancer?!?  Did you ever see that movie A Christmas Story...  I should probably end right there, huh? 
    The thing is, I still don't think people "live" in Minnesota insofar as they just do whatever they can to survive without exploding in the cold like frozen saplings. 
    By the way, though I don't remember it, my mother claims that we used to hang those flower baskets when my brothers and I were kids, but I think she's gotten to the point in her life where she just wants to pretend we had decent, normal childhoods.  I suppose it's only a matter of time before she says something like, "Remember when you threw that football and hit Marsha in the nose?"

    The Personal Note entry gave me a nice opportunity to vent over an email or two.  I don't know what possesses people to pop their gaskets to the point of broadcasting their complete ignorance about things like the Constitution of The United States and the Bill of Rights.  It's as if they're saying "In order to protect America, we first have to destroy America." 
    Still, France does sound nice now and then (especially when I'm hungry). 

I personally dislike France & french people, this view is based on personal experience of visiting the country & having worked with numerous french people over the years...BUT...this is only my opinion & I respect that a lot of people will disagree with my viewpoint. But isn't that why we have our journals, to express OUR views & feelings? To those that take it seriously & feel compelled to send hate mail to others I say get a life & if you don't like someone's comments...stop bloody reading them.
Comment from vampjack - 5/2/07 2:30 PM

    I should point out that I do like the French, but as far as the Parisians are concerned, well...  that's a whole 'nother bucket of bouillabaisse.  But, if you go in August when the Parisians take their holiday, you won't find yourself wrestling with the overwhelming urge to throat punch anyone and risk starting an international incident. 

Americans never get mad at Germany, and they most likely killed someone in your family.
Comment from monponsett - 5/4/07 9:05 AM

     Well, I'm half French and half German, so I'm pretty sure my family is about as stable as the Gaza Strip.  In fact, as a result of this odd ethnic recipe, whenever I look in the mirror, I get confused and conflicted because I don't know if I am supposed to throw my hands in the air and surrender, or just shoot myself in the face.  Trust me.  Shaving is near impossible.   
   
    Now, this week, I could have gone one and on about the poor high-school Dean and his atrocious spelling in the This is Unexcecpable entry; however, I think I was somewhat rushed.  But, after reading your comments, it's pretty clear you all found the same irony as I did. 

It's not his spelling that's at fault it's his keyboard abilities. If he used a spellchecker it might have helped a little. Nevertheless, with basic mistakes like that and, given his proffession, you've gotta worry about the education the kids are getting. B.
Comment from oddb0dkins - 5/3/07 4:04 PM

    Well, who doesn't suffer from an occasional bout of keyboard dyslexia now and then?  I know I type like a monkey most of the time, but this guy's letter looked as though he was typing with his nose. 
    Unfortunately, Barry, here in America, education funding always seems to take a back seat budget-wise.  And, I suppose that's one of the chief reasons behind the rise in homeschooling.  I'm not saying homeschooling your child is bad, mind you.  I just think education is one of the most important things in this country, and it should be at a level where parents can look at a school and feel comfortable knowing that their child will learn things in subjects that they themselves could hardly imagine learning at that age.  As it stands now, many of our kids look upon the things their parents learned at their age, and they're amazed and stunned at the complexity of it all.  And, to me, that just seems incredibly backwards. 

    Well, I think that about sums up the week.  Thanks for all the comments.  You folks certainly do make this silly little blog pretty damn fun.  And, I'm sorry for leaving out so many of your comments in this little summation.  I still only have a 25,000 character limit, and though I'd love to, I just can't get to them all. 

    Anyway, have a great weekend!  Enjoy the weather (or avoid it if it's nasty). 

-DP

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