*ATTENTION* For every five-thousand times you visit this journal, you will receive a free piece of stale Fruit Stripe chewing-gum!
Some days are such a hassle. Earlier today, I decided I needed a package of five delightful, tasty treats known as cheddar-wursts. Yum-yum.
So, I hopped into my Jeep, fired up the motor, heard the requisite number of "bings" and set out on my quest for tasty smoked sausage and cheese. Shortly into my trip, however, I heard an extra "bing," and looked down to see the little, red needle of my gas gauge hovering precariously over E. Damn! I needed gas too.
I pulled into the station, undid my gas cap, grabbed the nozzle, jammed it into my Jeep, pushed the big, yellow button that read unleaded, and nothing happened. So, like any deep thinker, I smacked the yellow button a little harder and still got nothing.
Eventually, I stopped slapping the foolish gizmo, and with my fingers tingling, I looked at the smudged LCD display in search of instructions on how to draw blood from this stone.
Are you a rewards customer?" It read.
"No," I whimpered. "I'm not a rewards' customer, and I don't have time for your damn riddles! I want gas!"
After gawking at the infernal little keypad beneath the display, I noticed two ridiculously small buttons which read "yes" and "no." I pushed "no," heard a collection of beeps, and was prompted to select my desired fuel grade. I smacked the yellow button again, and suddenly, miraculously, with its secrets unlocked, gas began to flow from this puzzle and into my thirsty car.
Once the nozzle clunked to a stop, I removed the hose, and stepped inside to pay.
"Good morning!" The woman behind the counter said even though it was well after noon.
"Hi," I responded. "I have about a million dollars in gas on pump number five."
"Do you have a rewards card?" She asked.
"No," I said.
"Do you want one?" she persisted.
"Are you sure?" she asked, still smiling in spite of my angry look.
"You get great things," she said. "free coffee, and even dinner at Applebee's if you get enough points."
"Oh?" I asked sarcastically. "How many points would I need for a free cup of your delicious, gas-station coffee?"
"Five hundred," she said happily.
"And how many points would I have now?" I asked.
"Ten," she said.
Now, from the gas station, I could see my destination in the distance. However, between the grocery store with my beloved cheddar-wursts, there was a Blockbuster. And, the only thing that could make a cheddar-wurst better would be to eat it while watching a movie. Yippee!
"Find everything okay?" The man asked as he scanned my membership card.
"Yep," I said as I thought about picking up some Twizzlers to go with my cheddar-wurst.
"By the way," he said. "Do you know about our rewards program?"
"I'm not interested," I said, trying to sound friendly.
"You sound pretty adamant about it," he said.
"I am," I said. "I am adamantly against your rewards program."
"Are you sure?" He persisted. "For only twenty dollars a month, you get unlimited rentals."
"Oh?" I said. "Does it tell you how many movies I've rented from you in the past six months? I need to do the math."
"Including this one," he said. "Two."
Finally, with my stomach now growling wildly, I made my way to the grocery store, picked up some buns and my beloved cheddar-wurst and hastily beat a path to the do-it-yourself checkout.
"Welcome!" the perky female computer voice said as I pushed the start button. "Please scan your first item to begin."
I dragged my package of buns across the scanner, and the machine recorded my purchase with a happy, little beep.
"One-dollar, thirty-five cents," the machine said. "Please scan your next item. Or press pay to finish."
I then dragged my package of cheddar-wurst over the scanner and it was confirmed with another satisfying beep.
"Three-dollars, seventy-five cents," the machine said. "Please scan your next item, or press pay to finish."
I pressed the button that said "pay" and stuffed my hand in my pocket to pull out some money.
"Have you scanned your frequent-shopper card?" The machine asked.
I pulled out my wallet, retrieved my little card, and swiped it over the scanner.
"Frequent shopper account activated," the machine spoke. "Total savings this trip: zero-dollars and zero cents."