Screaming From Behind!

    Now what in the bloody hell happened to this whole week?!? 

    Why is it that when you get sick and take a couple of days off, you always seem to wind up two-weeks or an entire month behind?  It's like some sort of wild work warp happened, and either I do two weeks of worthless crap in only a handful of days, or the very fabric of time and space was torn, and an ungodly amount of junk was dumped on me when I woke up several days ago and decided to stay in bed with the covers over my head. 

    Anyway, here's a whole load of things I meant to get to this week, but was too loaded up on NyQuil (yum) to be able to do anything other than drool on my laptop as I bounced around reading the myriad of really great journals and blogs you all have out there in this quickly shrinking world.  It was nice dragging my diseased-ridden self into your lives.  Sorry about the mess though.  But, enjoy the "Week's Worth of Things I Meant to Get to But Didn't."
   
    Speaking of worth, via BoingBoing, the fun folks at Worth1000.com put together a photoshopping contest involving famous statues of the world doing things most statues don't, but really, really should (pictured).  Some of these are absolutely hilarious, and it's definitely worth checking out if you've got the time.

    Next, England sent us some of their shiny things when the two-headed, eye-shredding, hypnotizingly beautiful monster that is The Beckhams arrived on our shores. 

     Unfortunately, ten seconds after their wheels squeaked on the tarmac of LAX, the dwarfish, little Sea-Org man-moppet formerly known as Tom Cruise was there to recruit them into Scientology.  Bend it like Xenu.

    Now, I don't know if Boston has a Major League Soccer team, but if they do, and "Becks" ever plays there, perhaps we can schedule a little old-school tea-party for him and his wife and toss them both into Boston harbor.  But, you know, that's just me being mean again.

    Next up, how would you like to have a billboard display your own personal message every time you drive by it? 

    Well, thanks to the folks at MINI USA and a RFID key-chain, you can now have the wonderful ego-boosting power of sending your message to other motorists who happen to be nearby.  Yes.  It'd be kind of sad on an empty street at three in the morning.  But, on a busy expressway at rush hour, how cool would it be to have your message pop up to say "get the hell out of my way round-head!"   `  
   
    In Washington, it's been a really bizarre week with our man-child criminal Commander in Chief.  First, he says he's sending 21,500 more troops into a civil war in Iraq, and then, after people protest his ineptitude, he then asks his subjects to come up with their own plans.  Obviously he's forgotten the countless generals(whom he's since replaced) have voiced concern, along with his advisors, the Baker-Hamilton Report, Joe Biden's plan, Levin's plan, et cetera, so-on-and-so-forth.  In fact, anyone with half a functional brain can pretty much see that what Bush is doing is a very bad idea. 

    Of course, all that was a 24-hour token effort by the half-witted dope who's driving our nation into the ground.  The very next day, he promptly tells the People and Congress that there isn't a damn thing anyone can do to stop him.  He doesn't even hide his contempt for the opinions of his people anymore, does he?  And, to make matters worse, it's not enough that we're already struggling dreadfully in two countries, and our poor soldiers are taxed to their limits, this bungling dickhead in Chief has decided to start taunting the Iranians in an attempt to goad them into war as well. 

    And, not to be outdone in the arena of stupid rhetoric, the Evil Emperor that is Vice President Dick Cheney recently stated (again) that those who criticize our President's foolish actions are playing into the hands of Osama bin Laden. 

    I'm going to say that's pretty damn funny since the Taliban in Afghanistan supported those who attacked us on Sept. 11th.  Yes.  In Afghanistan.  The very same country where we are now pulling troops from on the eve of a Taliban offensive in order to boost our numbers in Iraq. 

    Trust me, Dick.  I don't think anyone still believes that we are fighting those who attacked us, and I personally think this administration has done nothing but demonstrate just how little it is concerned with the actual safety and security of the American people.  In other words, our moron president has not upheld his oath of office, and through his actions in moving these troops from a nation who actually supported those who harmed us and continues to be a legitimate threat, to a nation where we really had no business invading in the first place has not only been a monumental failure, but George Bush has actually given aid and comfort to our country's REAL enemies.  In other words:  Treason.  In other other words:  Get a rope.

    And then there's that whole thing about keeping track of the banking records, and credit checks, the illegal wiretapping, and opening the mail of American citizens.  What the hell happened to the Fourth Amendment?
 
    Anyway, sorry.  Our government has seriously started to piss me off.  But, on a lighter note, thanks to The Obscure Store, I now have a good reason for not visiting Snohomish, Washington.  It's not that it's a bad town, per se.  I'm sure it's quite pretty there, and there's probably tons of wonderful things to do.  Still, the people are freaking bat-shit crazy.  

    First, a kid gets seriously injured during the traditional blasting of the cannon whenever the home team scores; however, instead of thinking, perhaps we should point that big, honkin' gun away from potential victims, the people of Snohomish take to threatening the poor kid and his family if they do anything to change the school's policy of recklessly using really freaking lethal weapons.
 
    It's madness in Snohomish! 
   
    Let's see...  I'm sure by now you've all heard about the recovery of two kidnapped kids in Kirkwood, Missouri.  But, did you know that in 2003, Shawn Hornbeck's parents went on the Montel Williams Show where noted psychic fraud Sylvia Browne told the grief-stricken parents that their son Shawn was, among other things, dead?

    Please, Xenu!  Please sweep these people off the planet in one of your Boeing Space Planes and drop them in a volcano.  Take Bush and Cheney too.  They'll burn nicely.  They're covered in oil (Sorry.  I couldn't resist).

    And, here's another bit from The Obscure Store:  Apparently, Milwaukee is the best city to find tryouts for the reality show, The Biggest Loser.  I can agree with that.  This town is ridiculously huge.  And, the fact that during the tryouts, women outnumbered men ten to one, goes a long way in explaining why I am still single.  We're not talking simple cute chubbiness here.  The entire 414 area code is morbidly obese. 

    Also, here's a story about a guy who got a postcard nearly sixty years after it was sent.  It's a bittersweet story, but it is interesting.  And, I am forced to wonder what would Xenu do? 
   
    Xenu do? 

    Xanadu?  Oh Christ!  There's no need to go there.

    Anywho...  Speaking of Woodsy Owl, did you all hear about how since they've replaced him with something that looks like a creepy serial killer with the head of a "giant chicken nugget," the government has now created a guide for the proper disposal of the old Woodsy Owl costumes.  Here's a hint:  It involves fire. 

    Fortunately, there's a feedback form at Woodsy's site, and hopefully, we can bring back the old-school Woodsy who was just so much better than this weird new thing. 

    And finally, to wrap this up, here's a website with various rooms of random people's houses.  If you go, do try not to make a mess. 

-DP

Tags: That's a lotta links, DPoem, Nonsense, Boing Boing, The Obscure Store, Skeptico, Engadget