It's happened...
I'm heartbroken. I'm devastated. I'm sitting here with the cold, crippling feeling of despair clutching my throat and freezing my heart with the realization of a love that can never be.
It's not so much the fact that Giada DeLaurentiis is married and living on one of the coasts that puts her out of my reach. It's not even an issue as to whether or not she's ever even heard of me. Indeed, I could tumble under a garbage truck, and she'd still bash out her perfectly grilled chicken breast with angel-hair pasta, topped with a drizzle of balsamic vinegar and toasted pine nuts without shedding a single tear.
No. The cold reality of this heart-shattering misery came as I turned on her show Everyday Italian to see her sweet, smiling face while I bellied up to a bowl of Chef Boyardee Ravioli. It hit me. And, suddenly, I felt dirty. So very dirty that I had to change the channel. I could almost feel her disgust. I felt shame my friends. It was a deep, filthy shame at the epiphany that Giada DeLaurentiis could never love a man who eats ravioli out of a can.
What can I say? I'm weak. That horrible, mushy, flaccid pasta stuffed with a meat-like substance and smothered in an oily, cloying, throat-coating concoction of tomato sauce enhanced with god knows what just speaks to parts of me that even the most beautiful chef on television could never hope to. It's wrong, I know. But, now and then, I just crave, and the end result is that I wind up attacking a can of processed quasi-Italian ravioli like a great white devouring a fresh bucket of chum.
Oh well... I am off to dwell in my shame, but did you know you can buy some pretty big, honkin' cans of Chef Boyardee products? Hello? Who in their right mind would eat five gallons of beef-a-roni? But, my love for Giada be damned, I've got two and a half pounds of bad ravioli to eat. Yeehaa!
-DP
She annoys me. Too prissy.. I'll take Racheal Ray over her any day. Not that either one of them would give ME the time of day either! lol
ReplyDeleteEnjoy your nasty old Ravioli's! Gawd those are nasty, Dan! How can you even eat them!? lol
;P
Jackie
Maybe Giada's a closet Chef Boyardee consumer. I'm just saying. Tina http://journals.aol.com/onemoretina/Ridealongwithme
ReplyDeleteThere's a gal out there for ya Dan, and I think this is the one:
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joy_Darville
Giada is the only chef on Foodnetwork that my hubby will watch. And he hates half the stuff she cooks - I can only wonder why he stares at the tv, salivating...
ReplyDeleteI made her "Fetuccini Alfredo" the other day, from scratch, and although a bit too lemony - it was great! Eat your shame out of a can (as I eat mine from time to time) but try one of her recipies - just to make amends!
--Holly
I agree with Tina ... closet ravioli from the can fetish.
ReplyDeleteROFL. Well, Dan, some perhaps serve whole families with that, um, stuff. Yes, some people have families. Perhaps you just need Giada to come and cook and feed you personally?! :) I don't care that you eat this, in this manner, just don't serve it to a date in such fashion. Well, if you care about your date. -- Robin
ReplyDeleteIt's easy to be seduced by Chef Boyardee, especially if you don't live in a sparkly kitchen like Giada does. You realize that if you saved the money you spent on those big honkin' cans of ravioli, you could go out and eat some decent ravioli.
ReplyDeleteOr you need an Italian girlfriend.
Jess
http://journals.aol.com/aurielalata/CIWTheOtherInvisible
I am italian... with a dad who makes homemade gravy (sauce) every time we have any kind of pasta dish, and I never tasted jar sauce on pasta until I was 16...
ReplyDeleteYet, I LOVE Chef Boyardee Ravioli! AND, I despise meat ravioli and meat tortellini in ANY other incarnation!!!
It is a bizarre addiction...and yes, it pains my dad, BUT I did addict my daughter to them about 3 summers ago.
be well,
Dawn
I saw your Journal on Hope Floats, Janets Journal sidebar. I thought I would come check yours out. LMAO!! You my dear are freaking hilarious. I love your, from a man's point of view. For all your joking and joshing, I get the feeling your incredibly smart underneath it all. I'll definately be back to check on more post from you. (Hugs) Indigo
ReplyDeleteHi !!!!! You and I must share the same brain I love Giada's cooking show I watch it every time it comes on. I wish I lived next door to her so I could go over her house and eat. The way she talks about the dishes she prepares is something. She is a very talented cook. I have to agree with the readers of your journal you are quite funny but you are also quite intelligent. Your journal has a certain something that keeps us coming back for more. Thanks for sharing this entry.
ReplyDeleteI do have a guilty pleasure to reveal: I too love cans of Chef Boyardee Ravioli so your NOT the only one. You have nothing to feel dirty about. Take care.
You are dirty eat chef Boyardee Ravioli. Shame on you, Bah!!
ReplyDeleteCheer up. It's' probably a bicoastal marriage and those things never work out. By the way, I hear Rachel Ray is free, but don't get any ideas. I'm setting her up with my son.
ReplyDeleteBarb