Stupid Questions With J-Simp (Finale!).

 

    Oy!  Here we are Jess.  It's the end of the Stupid Questions.  And, I have to admit, it's been a real pleasure having you here.  I don't think I'd have been able to finish this without your help, and I'm sure your insightful answers will be a source of inspiration for generations to come.  Do you have anything to say before we dive into the final batch of questions?

J-Simp:    Yes, mister!  I'd just like to say that this hasn't been ANY fun.  And, for the record, sanding your hardwood floors does NOT cure a headache.

 

DP:    I don't know, Jess.  It sure cured mine.  In fact, you're a grass-cutting, gutter-cleaning, floor-sanding angel.  Your ex-husband doesn't know what he's missing. 

 

        However, that's not important right now. We've got to get to these questions.  We'll start off with an easy one for you, okay?

 

J-Simp:    Fine. 

 

DP:    This question comes from Dawn, and she would like to know:

How can gravity be a law if we don't know what it is???

DP:    Like I said: easy, Jess.  So, have at 'er.  And, please try not to confuse us with any big words or anything.

J-Simp:    Duh!  I know what gravity is, Dawn.  It's what  keeps water in swimming pools.  And, there's a law in California that says you have to have water in your swimming pool.  So, that's a law of gravity. 

DP:    Your dad's name is Homer, isn't it? 

 

J-Simp:    No dummy.  His name is Dad.  What's the next question? 

 

DP:    Forgive me.  Our next several questions come from SuperMom BM who asks some good stupid ones for ya, Jess:

Do infants enjoy infantcy as much as adults enjoy adultry?

DP:    This one's got your name ALL over it, Jess. 

 

J-Simp:    Hey!  Adultery is fun, but I didn't commit adultery when I was an infant because I was saving myself for marriage.  And, I want all my fans to know that I sure am glad I waited until I was married to commit adultery.  Remember, adultery is a special gift.

 

DP:    Quite the public service announcement.  The next question is:

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

DP:    What a coincidence.  I have a friend who works as a gravedigger at Forrest Home Cemetery here in Milwaukee, and I have actually asked him this very question.  However, he told me they only give discounts to the Mob. 

 

J-Simp:    I once got a burned pizza delivered from Pizza Hut, and I didn't have to pay for it. 

 

DP:    Ummm...  Yeah.  Next?

How can there be "self-help" groups?

DP:    Whoa...  That's deep.

 

J-Simp:    No it's not, silly.  It's like my sister's band.  They're a group, but they're also helping themselves.  That's not hard. What's the next question?

Who opened the first oyster and said "My, my, my! Now doesn't this look yummy?"

J-Simp:    Pearls are really yummy.  I don't know who invented the first oyster, but I'm glad they did. 

 

DP:    You do know oysters weren't....  oh forget it.   The next one is:

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

DP:    Mmmm...  steak. 

 

J-Simp:    She's talking about cow-juice.  I don't drink cow-juice because it makes your bones strong and stiff, and I need to stay flexible.  Plus, everyone knows milk gives you celulite.

 

DP:    Mmmm... steak.

Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?

DP:    Mmmm...  steak and eggs.

 

J-Simp:    I don't eat eggs either.  Eggs make you pregnant.  Because, if you don't have eggs, then those little squigglies have nowhere to go.  And, those little squigglies want to make you pregnant really bad.   Britney probably eats a lot of eggs.

 

DP:    Zzzzz....

Can a fat person go skinny-dipping?

J-Simp:    Sure.  Just as long as they keep their clothes on. 

 

DP:    Ummm... Sorry, you totally lost me.   But, that's okay!  The next batch of stupid questions comes from Barb, who asks:

Of course, I'm a day late (and a dollar short).  May I still ask?

DP:    Umm... I guess so.  Is that okay with you, Jess?

 

J-Simp:    I've got sawdust in my nose.

 

DP:    Sounds like a yes to me.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

J-Simp:    If it's in a car, I'd call it a drive.

DP:    I'd call it pretty much screwed, Jess. 

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

J-Simp:    Yes.  There is nothing written on their signs.  And, nothing is something, right?  At least, that's what Angelina told me once about acting, I think. 

 

DP:    Now that just hurts me.  Barb also wants to know:

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

DP:    I'll let you know once I'm finished with this, Barb. 

J-Simp:    I don't understand? 

 

DP:    Gee...  That's a surprise. 

A stitch in time saves nine what?

J-Simp:    I know that's about cats somehow.  Maybe if you sew you can take all their lives at once so you don't have to deal with all nine of them?

Feeling better?

DP:    I really am.  Thanks for asking.  Can you handle a not-so dumb question Jess?

J-Simp:    I feel dizzy.

DP:    Well, we're almost finished, so buck up little camper.  Our next question comes from Nancy, and it's REALLY stupid:

Hey...aren't ya gonna show the questions (and some answers) in another entry??

DP:    Duh, Nancy.

 

J-Simp:    I don't get it.

 

DP:    And you wouldn't.  And, I hate to say it, but our last question comes from Barry (not Bob), and I don't know if it's stupid or not.  But, he asks:

How's your belly off for spots?

DP:    I've got a lot of spots to put things, Barry.  When I sit down, I can set an ash-tray and a can of beer on my belly.  It's like a portable table. 

 

J-Simp:    A sit up wouldn't kill you, you know?

 

DP:    Why burn carbs?  I mean, I may need them sometime.  What if I'm camping and I need to outrun a bear?  That energy could save my life, Jess. 

 

J-Simp:    I don't see how it will help you if it's in your belly.  You should store your extracarbsin your butt like J-Lo. 

 

DP:    Enough about me, Jess.  Guess what?

 

J-Simp:    You're going to give me that script you said you had for me?  The Oscar one?  Please?

 

DP:    No. Sorry.  I gave it to Tarrentino.  But, thanks for all your hard work and help with these stupid questions.  Do you feel any smarter, Jess? 

 

J-Simp:    Hmph...  I think I do.

 

DP:    Awesome!  I'll be looking for you on Celebrity Jeopardy.  I'm sure you'll do well.  But, it sounds like I hear your cab out front.  So, have a nice flight, and keep working on that acting thing. 

 

J-Simp:    You're mean.  Good riddance!

 

DP:    Thanks again Jess.  I get that a lot, but Thank You everyone for all these questions.  I can't believe it took three days to answer, but I had a heck of a lot of fun.  I hope you did too.

        

        So, tune in next week for Cooking With Dan with my special guests Mr. Keith Richards, Ozzy Osbourne and Sigmund Freud:

DP:    Keith!  For chrissake we're supposed to be making scrambled eggs!  The oven's on fire and  the cat's drunk!

 

K-Rich:    fargle-mooble Mick says "gadle-figgin-ommy" *cough* Bicycles!

 

Ozzy Oz:    The bloody &%$#-ing water's murble-&%$#-ing boiling.  SHARON!    WHERE ARE THE &%$#-ing NOODLES?

 

DP:    In your hand Ozzy.

 

Sigmund:    I sink zat zees sauce vould be gut vith a little bit of coke in it. 

    Yes.  A fun and dangerous time, indeed...

 

Tags: J-Simp, Humor, Stupid Answers, CarnivAOL