Stupid Answers With J-Simp (Part Deux)

 

 

     And we're back!  We had a wonderful afternoon watching people do yardwork.  Wasn't that fun, Jess?

J-Simp:    My hands hurt.  Why don't you get one of those riding mower thingies?

 

DP:    Indeed.  But, I'd be a special kind of crazy to let you drive one of those around the yard.  Besides, when you come out with a new workout tape, think of what you learned.  Up the hill.  Down the hill.  Up the hill.  Down the hill.  Quite the workout, huh?

 

J-Simp:    I thought you said you had a script for me.   

 

DP:    And I do.  But, let's get back to our questions, okay?

 

J-Simp:    Okay.  But it better be a good script.

 

DP:    You'd better get a good dress.  I'm smellin' an Oscar, Jess.   But, before that, Emily wants to know:

What happens if you get scared half to death TWICE?

DP:    You wind up only 25% alive. 

 

J-Simp:    That sounds a lot like math to me.  I'm not good at math. 

 

DP:    But you agree with my answer, right?

 

J-Simp:    No.  It's got math in it. 

 

DP:    Hey!  Tammy has a good stupid question for you Jess.  She wants to know:

Ok, so what's the speed of dark???

J-Simp:    I know this.  It's however fast my head is moving at the time once my roots start showing. 

 

DP:    Yes, Jess.  But, to me The Speed of Dark is a book by Elizabeth Moon. 

 

J-Simp:    Does it have lots of pictures in it?

 

DP:    I don't think so.  But, moving on, Paul (P-Litty) would like to know:

How does one go about getting a fart *into* a bag of nails?

DP:    It's pretty easy Paul.  Take a bag of nails, hold it to your backside, and let 'er rip.  Voila!  Now you've got a bag of fart-scented nails. 

 

J-Simp:    Why would anyone do that?

 

DP:    It's how carpenters mark their stuff, Jess.  It's a union thing.  You wouldn't understand.  But, Paul also asks:

Also, what does a sack full of Jello hammers look like anyway?

J-Simp:    I don't like Paul.  He's hurting my head. 

 

DP:    Gee...  I'm surprised you made it this far, Jess.  But, ironically, I think a sack full of Jello hammers probably looks a lot like Jessica Simpson when she is thinking about a sack full of Jello hammers. 

 

J-Simp:    How do they get those little oranges in Jello?

 

DP:    It's magic, Jess.  All magic.  Our next question comes from Terry who would like to know:

If i fax something to you will i get my original back?

J-Simp:    I know.  When I was married, my husband used to fax money to my sister for me.  I always gave him the money to put into the what-cha-ma-call-it, and he'd send it, and I'd never see it again.  So, I don't think you get the original back.  At least, you don't when you send money because then we'd all be rich, right?

 

DP:    Good work, Jess. 

 

J-Simp:    Thanks.  I'm really getting the hang of this. 

 

DP:    It's nice to see you're not just another pretty face.  And, moving right along, Stephanie has a question concerning Life, The Universe and Everything:

If 42 is the meaning of life, what's the meaning of 42?

DP:    Hmmm... Do you have anything on this Miss Deep Thought?

 

J-Simp:    What do you get when you multiply six and nine?

 

DP:    Seriously, you just don't write jokes in Base 13.  But, Miss Bam Bam, you might want to check here to find the answers you need.  And don't forget your towel. 

 

J-Simp:    Who's next? 

 

DP:    That would be Monae.  She asks:

What is a stupid question ?

J-Simp:    I already told you.  There are no stupid questions.  There are only stupid questions that people ask.  It's the answers that are stupid. 

and how do you spell DP ?

DP:    It's spelled like "IBM."

J-Simp:    REDRUM!

 

DP:    Ummm...  Hey!  Paul's got another question:

And does 'DP' stand for what we think it stands for?

DP:    It stands for...

 

J-Simp:    REDRUM!

 

DP:    It...

 

J-Simp:    REDRUM!

 

DP:    If I give you a ball of yarn, will you go play in the corner or something?

 

J-Simp:    Danger Poison!

 

DP:    It's stands for Dan P.

 

J-Simp:    What's your middle name Dopey Person?

 

DP:    It starts with an "A."  But, this isn't about me.

 

J-Simp:    So, it's D.A.P.?  Like the bathtub caulk?

 

DP:    Yes.  Anyway, our next question is from Jackie, and she asks:

If our knees were on the backs of our legs, what would chairs look like?

DP:    Beds.

 

J-Simp:    Are you sure they wouldn't look like bathtubs, Mr. DAP?

 

DP:    Jess?

 

J-Simp:    Yes?

 

DP:    Your father's a pimp who loves your sister more than you. 

 

J-Simp:    . . . .  

 

DP:    Anyway, BrianeHolland wants to know:

Why would a woodchuck even be called a woodchuck if it can't chuck wood?

J-Simp:    It's because they're made out of wood, silly.  They're not really animals, they're plants.  Once all the bark-fuel is eaten by the deer, what's left is woodchuck.   

 

DP:    That... makes... no... sense.  Can we get to the next question, please?

 

J-Simp:    Okay, Mr. Grumpy.  Someone named Tee has a stupid question about dogs:

What is a dogs nose made of?

DP:    I don't know, but if I was in charge, they'd be made out of jock itch powder. 

J-Simp:    Eeeew...  Everyone knows that dogs' noses are made out of extra tongue.  That's why dogs with tiny noses have big tongues. 

 

DP:    Ummm...  Yeah!  We're just crankin' them out now, Simp.  Let's hear from Fred again, okay?  He asks:

Why don't you go %$#& yourself?

DP:    Three words Fred:  Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 

 

J-Simp:    I don't understand?

 

DP:    I'll explain later, Jess.   However, we're once again zeroing in on our 25,000 character limit; so, I think we should stop here and rest your straining noggin for a moment before you forget how to act and sing.

J-Simp:    You're so nice. 

 

DP:    Thanks.  Besides, it'll be next to impossible for you to clean the gutters once the sun goes down. 

Tags: Humor, J-Simp, Stupid Answers, CarnivAOL