Cooking with G-Dub!

 

    Hello everyone!  Today we are in the kitchen with a very special guest.  And, though his crazy-mad, culinary skils are limited to peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches, let's see if we can't teach him a thing or two, okay?

 

    So, ladies and gents, let's put it together for El Presidenté, Mr. G. Dubya Bush! 

 

[applause]

 

DPoem:    Good afternoon, Mr. President.  Thank you for taking time out of your busy day to visit us.

 

G-Dub:    Thank you Dan.  We in Texas have a sayin'.  I don't know if you have sayings in Wess-conson, but in Texas, where I'm from, we have a sayin'.  And, you may not understand it, but our sayin' is: "It's good to be here."

 

DPoem:    That's pretty deep, cowboy.  The audience seems to like you.

 

G-Dub:    heh-heh...  It's got one of them "town hall" sorts of feels to it.  I like town halls.  They involve grass and roots and bricks, and sometimes, the halls are build out of wood.  heh-heh...  My good buddy Rover, I call him "Rover."  He really likes town halls too.  He finds the...  I don't know how you say it, but he finds the friendly ones.  He's good at that.  It's a matter of perspective.  Yes.  Pers...

 

DPoem:    That's nice, Dub.  But, we're here to do some cooking.  Do you cook?

 

G-Dub:    heh...  I did a lot of that in Yale.  It's a college.  It's where ya go when ya want to be a president.  I don't...  I don't do it anymore, though.  Apparently, coke and the job don't mix which kind of, umm, makes me wonder why they call it the White House.  heh-heh...

 

DPoem:    Umm..  Cooking, G-Dub.  Ya know?  It's that thing you do with pots and pans?

 

G-Dub:    Pots?  That's one of them Democrat things.  Billy Clinton did that, but, he didn't inhale, ya know.  And, we in Texas have a sayin' that says, "If you don't inhale, you're wastin' someone's money." 

 

DPoem:    Right...   Anyway, today we're going to be cooking a nice, delicious pot roast...

 

G-Dub:    I told ya.  I don't do pot.  I'm a R'publickin.  I feel like I'm in a room of Demicrats. 

 

DPoem:    Dude!  There's no damn pot in a pot roast.  It's a hunk of meat you cook in a Dutch oven at a low temperature for a long...

 

G-Dub:    It gets hotter 'n Texas than it does in Amsterdam. 

 

DPoem:    What the...?!? 

 

G-Dub:    I'm just sayin'.  I don't do pot in Amsterdam because there's those homo-seks-u-ells there, and where I come from there's a sayin' that if you want a steer, you..  umm...  you go to Massa-choosetts.  I can't remember it exactly, but it has to do with horns and Libruls.

 

DPoem:    Umm...  Let's get back on some sort of track here, okay? 

 

G-Dub:    Okay.  Or, as we say in Texas...

 

DPoem:    Do your friends coo...  err..  Prepare food?  You know, for fun?

 

G-Dub:    My friends shoot each other in the face for fun.  heh-heh...  Don't know 'bout the cooking.  That's something I leave to the womenfolk.  In Tex..

 

DPoem:    Have you ever been IN a kitchen? 

 

G-Dub:    No.  It gets hot in kitchens.  I'd rather go to town halls. 

 

DPoem:    I honestly don't know where to go from here.  You're saying you've never been in a kitchen?

 

G-Dub:    I've been in the kitchen to get beer and ice for drinks, but I don't spend much time there because it's not safe.  There's that thing in there.. 

 

DPoem:    The oven?

 

G-Dub:    No.  The mic...  my crow...  It's got waves.      

 

DPoem:    The microwave?

 

G-Dub:    Yeah.  The microwaves.  They're new-kew-ler.  They're dirty bombs, and they make you sterile.  Then, if everyone's...  if everyone is sterile, then I can't protect the stem-cells.  And, if I can't protect the stem-cells, the terrists will Muslimize our sperm.  And, if they do that...

 

DPoem:    This is a mistake I think.

 

G-Dub:    There are no mistakes, Dan.  We're going to stay the course.  I'm the decider!  We can't cut and run.  If we don't eat, then Saddam has won.  The Axis of Evil.  Think about the stem-cells.  In Texas, we... 

 

DPoem:    I have a nice, sharp knife, Dubya.  Would you like to play with it?

 

G-Dub:    You're either with us or against us!  Dead or alive!  HECK OF A JOB BROWNIE!!

 

DPoem:    Look, Dubya!  I've covered this nice sharp knife with oil!  And here's a handful of raisins that really need to be peeled.  Interested?

 

G-Dub:    Oil?  MISSION ACCOMPLISHED! 

 

[applause]

 

DPoem:    Well, folks.  I'm terribly sorry we didn't get around to cooking.  I have a delightful pot roast recipe that I really wanted to share with you.  Hopefully we can find a more suitable guest.  But, be sure to tune in next week when we'll be making a delicious honey-baked ham with Mr. Mel Gibson.