This morning, when I managed to get online, I opened my email and found a link to perhaps the most beautiful thing ever created by Man's hungry and hurried hands.
So, I'd like to thank Cinzano (whose journal is a private one, but I think if you're not completely Mormon, she'll let you in if you ask nicely). She gave me the link, and ever since, my tummy's been growling like that of a starving orphan in a Dickens' novel.
Anyway, don't they look pretty? Sure, at first glance, you're probably thinking "But Dan? Those are just corn dogs. What's wrong with you? Did you sleep with your head clamped in a vise or something?"
Ahh... Here's the thing: these are NOT simple corn dogs. In fact, the only thing they have in common with corn dogs is the philosophy that "battered-meat-on-a-stick" is a good and righteous thing. What these things are is a tasty hunk of breakfast sausage wrapped in pancake batter and cooked to a delicious golden brown. All I need to enjoy these is a bucket of melted butter to dip them in, some syrup, a few napkins, and it probably wouldn't hurt to alert the nearest Cardiac Trauma unit.
Now, to make my life of gluttony complete, there are several other things I am going to need aside from breakfast-on-a-stick.
First, I am going to need bacon, obviously. It's not my fault. As a result of genetics, my body is powered by bacon. When I bleed, not only does my blood quickly coagulate at room temperature, but it also fills my surroundings with the pleasing and heavenly aroma of hickory smoked pork products. Therefore, to begin my life of gluttony and seclusion, I need to sign up for the Bacon of the Month Club.
Yes! Every month a new bacon arrives at my doorstep. How I ever managed to get by without this is beyond me. Sure, it's a little expensive ($215), but can you really set a price on such joy?
So, with breakfast and lunch taken care of, I think we need to think about dinner. After all, as yummy as it is, I probably shouldn't eat bacon ALL day. I need to mix it up with healthy alternatives. And, what's healthier than a subscription in the Pie of the Month club?
Yes, I know. You're grinding your teeth thinking that pie isn't really all that healthy. But, some pies have fruit in them. Fruit is healthy. Therefore, Fruit in a pie is healthy. It's really quite a simple syllogism when you think about it.
Now, since the only exercise I plan to get will come in the form of the muscle-straining effort of dragging my bacon-fed, pie-eating carcass off the couch once a month to retrieve my goodies, I'm going to need something to drink. Bacon's salty, and fluids are important. Ergo, I am going to need the Beer of the Month Club.
My God! I am going to love delivery day. We'll have breakfast on a stick, bacon, pie and beer. I love you Internet. I love you dearly.
Yes. I know you will worry about me turning into a grumpy, anti-social freak of a human being, but really now, your fears are unfounded. After all, I will probably belong to more clubs than you. And, the clubs I belong to are good clubs with people who love me and do not judge me.