It's the Most Beautiful Thing in the World...

    This morning, when I managed to get online, I opened my email and found a link to perhaps the most beautiful thing ever created by Man's hungry and hurried hands. 

    So, I'd like to thank Cinzano (whose journal is a private one, but I think if you're not completely Mormon, she'll let you in if you ask nicely).  She gave me the link, and ever since, my tummy's been growling like that of a starving orphan in a Dickens' novel. 

     Anyway, don't they look pretty?  Sure, at first glance, you're probably thinking "But Dan?  Those are just corn dogs.  What's wrong with you?  Did you sleep with your head clamped in a vise or something?" 

     Ahh...  Here's the thing: these are NOT simple corn dogs.  In fact, the only thing they have in common with corn dogs is the philosophy that "battered-meat-on-a-stick" is a good and righteous thing.  What these things are is a tasty hunk of breakfast sausage wrapped in pancake batter and cooked to a delicious golden brown.  All I need to enjoy these is a bucket of melted butter to dip them in, some syrup, a few napkins, and it probably wouldn't hurt to alert the nearest Cardiac Trauma unit.   

    Now, to make my life of gluttony complete, there are several other things I am going to need aside from breakfast-on-a-stick. 

    First, I am going to need bacon, obviously.  It's not my fault.  As a result of genetics, my body is powered by bacon.  When I bleed, not only does my blood quickly coagulate at room temperature, but it also fills my surroundings with the pleasing and heavenly aroma of hickory smoked pork products.  Therefore, to begin my life of gluttony and seclusion, I need to sign up for the Bacon of the Month Club. 

    Yes!  Every month a new bacon arrives at my doorstep.  How I ever managed to get by without this is beyond me.  Sure, it's a little expensive ($215), but can you really set a price on such joy? 

    So, with breakfast and lunch taken care of, I think we need to think about dinner.  After all, as yummy as it is, I probably shouldn't eat bacon ALL day.  I need to mix it up with healthy alternatives.  And, what's healthier than a subscription in the Pie of the Month club? 

     Yes, I know.  You're grinding your teeth thinking that pie isn't really all that healthy.  But, some pies have fruit in them.  Fruit is healthy.  Therefore, Fruit in a pie is healthy.  It's really quite a simple syllogism when you think about it. 

     Now, since the only exercise I plan to get will come in the form of the muscle-straining effort of dragging my bacon-fed, pie-eating carcass off the couch once a month to retrieve my goodies, I'm going to need something to drink.  Bacon's salty, and fluids are important.  Ergo, I am going to need the Beer of the Month Club. 

     My God!  I am going to love delivery day.  We'll have breakfast on a stick, bacon, pie and beer.  I love you Internet.  I love you dearly. 

     Yes.  I know you will worry about me turning into a grumpy, anti-social freak of a human being, but really now, your fears are unfounded.  After all, I will probably belong to more clubs than you.  And, the clubs I belong to are good clubs with people who love me and do not judge me. 

    In other news, I swiped this picture from new-visitor and blogger Karen's profile, and I wanted to take a moment to express my desire to see a herd of self-tenderizing cattle.   

 

    I'm sure as horrible as it is that a suicidal cow would tumble from the heavens to smash upon the roof of your car, and though it's not exactly the ritualistic massaging the beer-fed Kobe beef cattle receive on a daily basis (and you wonder why it costs more than $100 a pound), I think cattle that are willing do this sort of thing would save me an awful lot of work in the kitchen. 

 

    What do you mean I'm lazy?  Life is all about convenience, and doesn't food always taste better when other people do all the hard work?  I need the pie, bacon, beer and breakfast delivered to my door.  And, on those odd occasions where I actually do leave the house (probably to pick up my Lipitor refill), I'd like to know that, as I'm driving, there's a chance --albeit small-- that I will cross paths with a perfectly tenderized pile of steak.  Is that really so wrong?

 

-DP

   

Tags: Breakfast on a stick, Bacon of the Month, Pie of the Month, Beer of the Month, Self-Tenderizing Cattle, DPoem has lost his mind