Saturday, September 23, 2006

It's the Most Beautiful Thing in the World...

I must have this!    This morning, when I managed to get online, I opened my email and found a link to perhaps the most beautiful thing ever created by Man's hungry and hurried hands. 

    So, I'd like to thank Cinzano (whose journal is a private one, but I think if you're not completely Mormon, she'll let you in if you ask nicely).  She gave me the link, and ever since, my tummy's been growling like that of a starving orphan in a Dickens' novel. 

     Anyway, don't they look pretty?  Sure, at first glance, you're probably thinking "But Dan?  Those are just corn dogs.  What's wrong with you?  Did you sleep with your head clamped in a vise or something?" 

     Ahh...  Here's the thing: these are NOT simple corn dogs.  In fact, the only thing they have in common with corn dogs is the philosophy that "battered-meat-on-a-stick" is a good and righteous thing.  What these things are is a tasty hunk of breakfast sausage wrapped in pancake batter and cooked to a delicious golden brown.  All I need to enjoy these is a bucket of melted butter to dip them in, some syrup, a few napkins, and it probably wouldn't hurt to alert the nearest Cardiac Trauma unit.   


    Now, to make my life of gluttony complete, there are several other things I am going to need aside from breakfast-on-a-stick. 

    First, I am going to need bacon, obviously.  It's not my fault.  As a result of genetics, my body is powered by bacon.  When I bleed, not only does my blood quickly coagulate at room temperature, but it also fills my surroundings with the pleasing and heavenly aroma of hickory smoked pork products.  Therefore, to begin my life of gluttony and seclusion, I need to sign up for the Bacon of the Month Club

    Yes!  Every month a new bacon arrives at my doorstep.  How I ever managed to get by without this is beyond me.  Sure, it's a little expensive ($215), but can you really set a price on such joy? 

    So, with breakfast and lunch taken care of, I think we need to think about dinner.  After all, as yummy as it is, I probably shouldn't eat bacon ALL day.  I need to mix it up with healthy alternatives.  And, what's healthier than a subscription in the Pie of the Month club? 

     Yes, I know.  You're grinding your teeth thinking that pie isn't really all that healthy.  But, some pies have fruit in them.  Fruit is healthy.  Therefore, Fruit in a pie is healthy.  It's really quite a simple syllogism when you think about it. 

     Now, since the only exercise I plan to get will come in the form of the muscle-straining effort of dragging my bacon-fed, pie-eating carcass off the couch once a month to retrieve my goodies, I'm going to need something to drink.  Bacon's salty, and fluids are important.  Ergo, I am going to need the Beer of the Month Club

     My God!  I am going to love delivery day.  We'll have breakfast on a stick, bacon, pie and beer.  I love you Internet.  I love you dearly. 

     Yes.  I know you will worry about me turning into a grumpy, anti-social freak of a human being, but really now, your fears are unfounded.  After all, I will probably belong to more clubs than you.  And, the clubs I belong to are good clubs with people who love me and do not judge me. 

Watch for self-tenderizing cattle!    In other news, I swiped this picture from new-visitor and blogger Karen's profile, and I wanted to take a moment to express my desire to see a herd of self-tenderizing cattle.   
    I'm sure as horrible as it is that a suicidal cow would tumble from the heavens to smash upon the roof of your car, and though it's not exactly the ritualistic massaging the beer-fed Kobe beef cattle receive on a daily basis (and you wonder why it costs more than $100 a pound), I think cattle that are willing do this sort of thing would save me an awful lot of work in the kitchen. 
    What do you mean I'm lazy?  Life is all about convenience, and doesn't food always taste better when other people do all the hard work?  I need the pie, bacon, beer and breakfast delivered to my door.  And, on those odd occasions where I actually do leave the house (probably to pick up my Lipitor refill), I'd like to know that, as I'm driving, there's a chance --albeit small-- that I will cross paths with a perfectly tenderized pile of steak.  Is that really so wrong?


  1. See, I like you better than John, because you aren't confused by the purpose of bacon.

  2. $215 for bacon?  WELL worth it.  What is it about's addictive.

  3. After whiing to my husband abouth the limited selection of beer around here, he tried to sign me up for the Beer of the Month Club. (Ain't he sweet!) Guess what...

  4. I'd add CHICKEN WINGS of the month club!!  Notice I didn't say Buffalo Wings.
    They're CHICKEN WINGS ... and Buffalo style is the only way to go, whether mild or hot or even barbeque.  You ain't lived til you've had Buffalo-style CHICKEN WINGS!

  5. OINK OINK! lol  

    I love all those things, but I stay away from them.  I love them.. but they love me more.  Or at least they love my butt, thighs and tummy just a bit too much.  So.. I stick to chicken and salads.


  6. We can't mail beer to Utah?  It's amazing how we let that state even exist.  

    Who the hell's in charge there?  The Taliban?  

    Oh! And, on the subject of chicken wings:  Trust me.  Poultry fears me.  I will eat wings by the bucket like a Jenny Craig flunkie with a box of bon-bons.  


  7. Dude you can buy your RXs online.  Why not have your lipitor delivered.  You've got in case you decide you need soap, shampoo, deodorant or eyeliner. (Ooops, well I don't know you very well).  Hell, you can even buy a car online.  How whack is that? Can you imagine the shipping and handling. I bought some miniature saugage/pancake things at the grocery. I don't know how they are yet.  Have a great Saturday.

  8. Hey those sausage pancake thingys sound good.  And if you turn into a grumpy anti-social freak I am sure you can find some online clubs other than FOOD ones, or we can just confiscate your computer until you go through withdrawls and get back to normal.

  9. HOLY COW ... I felt my arteries hardening just reading about this! Corn dogs .... YUM! Bacon .... YUM!


  10. lol well enjoy all the food.

  11. The pancake sausage things are really good. I don't think Sonic is in your parts but at one time they had those yummy creations on their menu. I almost shed a tear when someone decided to stop selling 'em. Oh well its probably better that way.

  12. Nah, I'm not worried about you turning into a grumpy, anti-social freak of a human being.  You're already wonderful outside the mainstream:)   That cow danger sign has me cracking up -- welcome, Karen!  -- Robin  

  13. after eating that lot, you may want to see if you can order some antacids online to help with the volcanic eruption that will no doubt flare up,lol. also possibly a very good supplyer of toilet roll (*not sure if thats what you call it in the states, oh well, bog roll, arse wipe, I don't know, you tell me, lmao) Sam x

  14. Hi Dan...I'll be seeing you in my Cardiac Care Unit someday!  

  15. Beer Of The Month Club?  Yahoo!
    (I knew something drew me to your blog today)

  16. Having already commented prior to CarnivAOL hilighting this entry... I just want to tell you... My hubby calls corndogs 'the white trash beef wellington'.  He loves them... but now even my kids call them that.

    be well,

  17. LOL!...they do look delicious!  Melted butter and syrup....mmmmm...heavenly!  I found you through the entry on CarnivAOL.  Thanks for I'm hungry!  Going to go eat some Lime flavored Tostitos chips til dinner.  YUMMY!

  18. Dan,
    You're the Cardiac Corndog Delight of CarnivAOL! Pig out heartily while you can!

  19. AS long as we can handle this type of food, I say we go for it.  Mmmm.  :)

  20. I'm so glad you "swiped" this picture - I'm honored! I think it is absolutely hyserical & should be shared! Not sure if it is real or not, but just thinking of the possibility that I could be driving along & see this sign makes me laugh!