Wednesday, November 28, 2007

[The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind] Writing Free...

Let's see... I think I remember something from college about how freewriting is supposed to help those occasionally stuck brains. I'm not sure if it really works, but if it gets my gray-matter percolating, I suppose it can't be a bad thing.

Anyway, today the doctor called to let me know that I can expect to be sick, on-and-off, with this pointless cold bug for about two-and-a-half weeks. And, apparently, I'm not to be surprised should I break out in some sort of rash while my immune system dukes it out with this little virus.

A rash?

I... can't... make... the... connection.

What the hell is this? A cold, or scarlet freakin' fever?

Wait a minute... What's this?

Why, it's an email from someone named "Henry."
Dear friend,

Sorry for intruding into your privacy, I am a 55 years old man and a British citizen currently living in Kuwait.

I am an Oil merchant and owned Oil businesses in Kuwait, Qatar and Saudi Arabia. I was married with two children and my wife and two children died in a car accident six years ago.
Well, that's just bad luck, Henry. I mean, you dig up the oil, the oil gets turned into gas, the gas goes into your wife's car, and... well... Try not to beat yourself up too hard, okay?
Two years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and this week my doctors have just informed me that i have few months to live.

Before this happened my business and concern for making money was all I lived for. I never really cared about other values in life.
Do you read a lot of Joyce? This seems somewhat familiar to me. Maybe it's Dickens? It's been a while.
But since the loss of my family and after i was dianosed with prostate cancer,i have found a new desire to assist helpless families. I have been helping charity organisations by donating money to them to assist the less priviledge in Asia and other parts of the world.
Helpless?!? Let 'em rot.
Before I became ill, I kept some money, three and a half million dollars ($3.5million) to be precise in a long term deposit account in a private finance institution in europe.
That's it?!? 3.5 million? I don't get out of bed for anything less than five million, Henry. I've got so much money tied up in Baghdad, Sierra Leone, Nigeria and various European lotteries that $3.5 million isn't worth my time, man. Check my email. Unlike you, I'm a lucky, lucky man.
Presently, I am in a hospital and my doctor says i have few months to live, and it is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity organizations
Yes.. yes... I've heard this already. For someone with only a few months left to live, you'd think you'd want to streamline things and cut out the repetition. The clock's ticking here Hank.
Because so much of my wealth has been plundered by relatives and friends since my illness, I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them.
Huge? I can't even buy a decent house with a pool and a view in Los Angeles with that pittance you're trying to shovel on me. Carrot Top's house is probably worth more than $3.5 million.
I want you to assist me collect the funds from the finance company in europe and distribute it amongst charity organizations. Use your judgment to distribute the money and keep 10% of it to yourself. Feel free to reimburse yourself when you have the money for any cost you incur during the process of collecting and distributing the money to charity organizations.
Wait. It's a scrawny sum of $3.5 million, and I can't even keep it all myself?!? Dude. I have three times that much that I'm trying to get out of Nigeria alone, and this just isn't worth my time. But, you know, I'll ask around to see if anyone is interested in helping you. But, I hate to break it to you, my kind tends to frown upon the lower classes who only have a paltry $3.5 million to wave around.
May you be blessed for your good deed.

Get back to me immediately so we can proceed and keep my contact with you confidential as i do not want my family to know that i am giving my fund away to charity.
Ooops... If you're a member of Henry's family, and you're reading this, please forget you saw anything. Move along. Nothing to see here.
Best regards,

See ya Hank! I suggest you take your money and buy a gun.

I love my email...



Posted By Dan to The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind at 11/28/2007 02:15:00 PM


  1. That made me grin! I hope everything goes well with getting that big score from Nigeria....


  2. Considering your wealth and all that, would you invest in another Doctor and get a second opinion? And then let the rest of us know what you have? I, myself, thought I just had a rotton, nasty, miserable, sniffling, sneezing garden variety cold. But a rash???

  3. You made the right decision Dan. This man is obviously the epitome of bad luck. Who'd want to get involved with him?