[The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind] Why Yes. You ARE Monday.

My coffee maker up and died this morning with a defeated little wheeze. Fortunately, I have other ways to make coffee, and I'm not limited to the slow, heaving process of some poorly engineered heap of plastic to get my morning rollin'.

Hello, Mr. French Press (Or, just plain Mister French if you're feeling silly)!

First, dump in some coffee... Easy, right?

Wrong.

It turns out that, in my haste, I forgot that scooping really is the way to go with these things considering the mouth of the Maxwell House container is considerably larger than the mouth of Mister French.

So, next step: remove slippers and shake over the sink until all the coffee grounds fall from the slippers into the sink. Then, look down upon the floor and sigh at your stupidity as you use your sock-covered foot to wrangle the scattered bits of ground up coffee into a tidy, little pile.

After that, it is important to find boiling water.

Hello, Mr. Microwave!

Take a Pyrex pitcher, fill with water, press some buttons until the little glowing display reads "7:00," and push "Start."

Wait.

Now, groan as the furnace kicks in and scatters the tidy pile of coffee grounds across the floor with hot, dry gust.

When Mr. Microwave goes "bing," remove the Pyrex pitcher. Careful, Dan! It's hot! There's a reason this stuff used as Hun-repellent.

Slowly... slowly... almost across the kitchen to the awaiting Mister French.

Stop and scream as your early morning motor skills have left you with a slipper full of boiling water and a kitchen floor covered with now percolating coffee grounds. For a moment, at this point, it would seem to make more sense to just get down on all floors and just lick the coffee-coated linoleum for the caffeine fix.

Slowly pour the water into the Mister French, and wait for the magic to happen.

After magic happens, push the plunger down.

Too fast, moron. You've suffered a serious failure as a result of the blowback of coffee grounds which Mister French is now forced to regurgitateall over the kitchen counter.

Smack head. Rinse off the plunger in the sink. Try again.

As you're plunging slowly, think about the weather. It's a nice day. It's actually kind of warm. Why's the heat on?

My god! There's coffee everywhere in this damn kitchen --everywhere, except in the mug now sitting in a puddle of coffee on the counter.

Laugh! The coffee is outside the mug. In fact, at this point, the only dry, non-coffee covered surface in this kitchen is the inside of the mug. Wax existential by wondering aloud if the mug is actually a mug when its purpose remains unfulfilled in such a way as this. Realize the mug is laughing at you.

Openly weep at the mug's mocking as you pour the contents of Mister French into the mug. Take a sip. Twitch. Make a funny face. Stumble backwards in a coughing fit.

Strong!

Now, take the recently expired coffee-maker into the basement workroom to do vile things while thinking of things to write about today. Laugh at your madness.

-DP


--

Posted By Dan to The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind at 11/12/2007 09:31:00 AM