Sunday, February 11, 2007

Valentine's Day...

    Valentine’s Day doesn’t mean much to me, but that doesn't mean I don't have something to say on the matter.

    Throughout my life, I’ve had the good fortune of dating very strange women who, by the time Valentine’s Day rolled around, were either headed out of my life, or long gone.    And, I chalk this up to the fact that I’m a very difficult person to shop for, and I think the sublime torture of buying me gifts between Christmas and Valentine’s Day is far more insanity than any person should ever willingly endure.   Eventually, out of sheer frustration, they will just dump me and move onto some other guy with much more clearly defined needs and wants.

    My favorite girlfriend in this case would have to be Marie, the sweet gal I dated for a while in college.  It was a blast of a relationship, and she really was a pretty decent woman.  We had a lot of fun, and as Christmas started approaching, she grew frantic asking me what I wanted. 

    “I don’t know,” I said.  “I don’t need anything.”
    “It’s not about what you need,” she said, “it’s about what you want.”
    “Well,” I responded after a little thought.  “I skipped breakfast today.  I’m a little hungry, and I think I want a cheeseburger.”
    “For Christmas?”
    “I don’t think I can wait that long.  How about lunch?”
    “You’re an idiot,” she said. 
    “Hey,” I said.  “You’re the one who loves me.”
    “You’re a dumb, stupid idiot.” She would rant in her adorable way.  “You dumb idiot.  Dumb… dumb… dumb…  Idiot…  idiot… idiot.”
    “Does that mean I’m not getting lunch?”  I asked.
    “We need a break,” she would always say.  It was her way of ending any argument –win or lose.  “We need a break because you are making me hate you.”

    Then she would leave, and I would grab lunch on my own.  A few days later, our break was over, the holiday had passed, and love was once again in the air by the time New Year’s rolled around.  We were good so long as I didn’t ask about gifts. 

    However, Valentine’s Day would inevitably roll around, and though I would go out and buy her nice things and plan nice dates and really do everything I could to woo her straight out of her knickers, when the calendar read February 14th, there were two things that were a certainty:  Marie and I would argue over gifts, and I would end up spending the night on my recently-divorced buddy’s couch. 

    It happened the first year of our relationship.  After cracking open a bottle of wine and feeding her the delicious dinner I’d cooked for her, I gave her the little gift I bought in an attempt to contrive a nice, special moment. 
    “How did you know?” she squealed as she pulled a dainty little necklace from the box.  “I love it.  I love you.  But, how did you know I wanted this?”
    “You told me,” I said.  “Remember?”
    “When you clipped the ad out of the Sunday paper and stuck it on my fridge?”
    She was funny that way, I guess.  Normally, I would just shrug, guzzle wine and wait for the moment when she unleashed her white-hot fury upon me.  Somewhere during the course of the evening, her smile of joy and contentment would be transformed by little bits of white froth slowly growing at the corners of her smile.  The turning point came when she handed me a very small, quite non-descript, box. 

    “You know,” I said as I appraised the tiny box.  “You really didn’t have to get me anything, honey.”
    “I know,” she said flatly as if to remind me that I was stupid for not knowing the unparalleled amount of research she put into finding just the right gift for my happiness.  “Open it up.  I think you’ll love it.”
    I opened the box and peered inside expecting to see an amputated finger or even the collected teeth of all the women who’ve smiled at me since she and I began dating.  My face could not hide my confusion, however, and immediately, she spoke.
    “You hate it don’t you?”
    “No. It’s just…” I said.  “Umm…”
    “It’s okay,” she said.  “We can take it back.”
    “You hate it.”  She wailed. 
    “No.”  I said.  “It’sjust that…”
    “It’s just what?”  She asked.
    “Well, honey,” I said carefully.  “It’s just that you gave me an earring.” 
    “Yeah,” she said.  “Isn’t it cool?”
    “Sure,” I said as I watched the fire grow in her eyes.  “But, we’ve been together for six months now and well…”
    “You think it’s too personal?”
    “No,” I said.  “It’s just that, in six months, you probably noticed that I don’t have my ear pierced.”
    “Yes you do,” she said, as if I somehow managed to forget having a lobe punctured over the course of our relationship.  “You’re lying to me now.”
    “Nope,” I said.  “I’ve never had my ear pierced.  I think I’d know if I did.”
    “You’re a liar,” she wailed.  “You lying liar.  You just hate me.”
    “Is it time for us to take a break now?” I asked.

    She and I dated for three years, and I’m pretty certain that every year, she and I went through the same dialogue with only a few slight variations.  One year, on my birthday, she bought me a pair of boxer shorts.  They were nice, and I liked them; however, when I refused to wear them out in public, an unholy rage was unloaded upon me as a result of my daft idea that most people would probably laugh at me if I walked into a bar wearing my underwear. 

    For the record, I think she and I are still on a break.  Which is good.  Had I stuck around, I’m pretty sure I’d only be able to communicate via a series of controlled blinks and grunts. 



  1. Okay.. now, I thoroughly enjoyed this entry.. :)


  2. This was a fun entry to read!!  Too funny, Dan!

  3. Sorry I haven't been by to see you! I spent yesterday and today trying to add the recent Rosie Fat Ass video to my journal. You Tube or the user pulled the first one and I had to find the same one from another user. Like your journal! Our minds come from the same planet, which is scaring since I thought I was the only survivor.

    Been through the "what do you want" routine. Sort of like "who's on first". I have it boiled down to saying ok to her first suggestion whether I like it or not. Saves a lot of TV time. Stop by & check out Saturday's Rosie Fat Ass entry.


  4. First VDay with my now-husband, I knew he was allergic to chocolate so I made a big heart shaped box and decorated it and filled it with nice big garlic bulbs. He used some of them to make me a lasagna. Best Valentine ever.

    I'm getting you some chocolate covered bacon and a pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick. Hell, you're EASY to buy for!

  5. Now if you'd married her you wouldn't have the trouble with gifts because, according to my missus, valentine's day is for lovers, not for married couples! Now that should tell you something about my life. B.

  6. Did she think you had something else pierced, wait, scratch that.  I don't really want to know.......  especially if you're now scratching it.  Oy.  Can I start over?   Eh, just enjoy your day:)   Without or without romance.  You have two cats, right?!    -- Robin

  7. Oh Dan Dan Dan... 'nuff said about that.

    As for you being difficult to buy for, I would think that cheese or beer of the month club would be a no brainer... A gift certificate to Chef Central... etc... Pretty easy and I haven't even slept with you!  LOL

    You are so funny!

    be well,

  8. I woulda just told her my ear Was pierced!
    G ;-)

  9. hahahaha, i cant believe u dated that for 3 years. hey, we all make mistakes.
    im hope, i saw u in the aol chat room thingie tonite, just stopping by to see ur journal and say hi, i have one, i barely write in it anymore...

  10. Oh Good Grief, no wonder you have trouble with women You wasted three years on that. Poor dear, that's not a woman that's a selfish individual. I won't resort to name calling here. Now on how to keep you happy? I believe a home cooked meal, candlelight and yeah you can have your fav. beer, wont even make you drink wine. A one on one conversation with someone who actually understands you. As far as gifts go. How can someone be with you and not realize what interest you and appeals to you? I never did understand that strange dilema among some couples. Me I have the strange habit of being the one that always leaves. If someone has your heart in mind , they most certainly would of been listening to you and know what it is you want. As far as Valentines Day is concerned I love it, if your partner is always attentive anyway. But otherwise no.....Why the hell cut a break for some oaf who deciedes to appreciate you one day of the year. Kinda like getting flowers for a funeral. Wouldn't they have been more likely appreciated while the person was alive? K, I've said enough LOL!! Indigo

  11. lol...and it lasted THAT long?!?  You're a strong man.

    Annie =)

  12.      If I ask the Big Guy what he wants, and he says " I don't need anything ", I whisper a prayer of thanks for my good fortune, and figure I am off the hook. Well, that isn't entirely true.  But it does mean that I can get him anything I want, and he can't complain about it.  Makes my job alot easier.  Tina

  13. what a cute and funny entry...
    I have that same problem with my boyfriend...
    never uses a single thing I get him...
    less of course, it's edible..which means for holidays he usually gets slimjims, truffles and peanuts..

  14. Oh good grief...I just don't get why men stay with women for so long who are just air heads! I agree, she should know from listening to you throughout the year & that is pretty selfish...though you could get the hint idea that women use & stick your own ideas on her fridge! The poor sucker that has her now! You are just not dating the right women that is all there is to it. How can someone not know you don't have your ear pierced...who the hell is she thinking of? That should have been your hint! I would have been upset about that big time! Heck, if she was creative she would have wrapped herself up!

  15. C'mon many of us had our shit together at college age? Not me! Let's cut Marie some slack, huh?
    ;-) Cin

  16. LOL.  I don't think you'd be too hard to buy for. Beer, pizza, bacon anf cheese.  

  17. Ok, so I heard all about you... and just had to stop by.  Great place you have here!  Love this entry... others are good but this one had me laughing... hope ya don't mind but I'm putting you on alerts. :)

  18. I would have given you a cheese burger.