Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Hopefully, your day is filled with enough love, romance and passion to make this freaking winter just stop already. I'm single, it's cold, I spent the morning shoveling (again), and I think it's about damn time you lovebirds out there start doing something to thaw this damn world before I wake up inside a glacier. So, go have mad sex in a snow-drift, already. Gads!
Anyway, I'm not here today to write about Valentine's Day so much. My Canadian doppleganger Paul already did a great job on that. Plus, I figure you already know what it's all about, and you've all got your own handy definitions and expectations. Some of you will settle for a nice dinner. Some will have chocolate. And, for all I know, some of you might find yourselves covered in candle-wax and handcuffed to a hotel bed tomorrow morning.
Nope. I'm here to scribble a bit about my latest madman's crush. Earlier today, as my aching back was suggesting, as it usually does after a snowfall, that we should pack up and move to a warmer climate, I flipped on the TV and caught sight of The Most: With Alison Stewart on MSNBC, and, without warning, Cupid's little arrow drove it's way through my skull and buried itself deeply into my gray matter (most people get drilled in the heart. Me? It usually finds its way into my brain).
So, I watched, and I couldn't shake the thought that not only is Alison Stewart mind-bendingly beautiful, she's also got the smarts needed to shred my brain and leave me gaping like a landed fish whose only escape is to pick up a hammer and go fix something just because there's no way any reasonable human being could ever keep up in a conversation with someone who is so obviously well-informed. The way I see it, I'd get a lot of projects done if I were in a relationship with someone like her. It's not that I don't want to talk like couples do; it just that I am simply not qualified to talk. I mean, I could say "Hey! That cloud looks like a bunny," and all she'd have to say is, "I don't think so." Then, rather than engage in an argument about bunny clouds, and subsequently be proven wrong by her saying "it looks like a toaster oven," I'd simply trundle off to put a new roof on the house, feed the starving children of the world and occupy my time by admiring small, shiny things.
Fortunately, for me, not only is Alison Stewart married to Bill Wolff, the Vice President of Programming at MSNBC, I'm a pretty fickle person, and I'll most likely have a new crush by the end of the week. It may even be Lindsay Lohan because, not only is rehab the new black, but I have a propensity for crushing people's spirits to the point of making them dive head-first off the wagon into a big, happy bottle of vodka.
In other news, I am watching the tail-end of the Westminster Dog Show (HA! Get it? Tail-end? Damn... Comedy gold!), and I have absolutely no reason why. Yesterday, I saw the bulldogs, dustmops and one trembling platinum-colored Bichon Frisé that looked more like a feminine hygiene product than any sort of canine.
And, Best-in-Show goes to.....
Wait for it....
A Springer Spaniel named James.
Well, happy Valentine's Day, James. Now, find a bitch and settle down for a long winter's nap.
Okay... I'm pretty much just typing out loud at this point. I do hope you all have a Valentine's Day that will make you feel as special as James, the English Springer Spaniel. May you all be Best in the hearts of those around you.