Tuesday, February 20, 2007
If gluttony is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, then I am a doomed man. But, as far as sins go, I'm going to have to say that gluttony is definitely my favorite. I mean, is there a better way to go than keeling over in the euphoric glow of extreme over-indulgence?
I think not.
Today is Fat Tuesday (Mardi Gras), and I've got my pączki (pronounced "poonch-key"). Yes. I know. It sounds wildly exotic in all its Polish glory, but the sad reality is that it's nothing but a simple jelly doughnut. Still... Jelly doughnuts are yummy, and in my part of the world, you can't swing a cat without hitting a pączki-toting polock. In fact, on the local news today, they were showing the lines at the bakeries, and the chilly, little news-muppet interviewed one gent who recently purchased fifty-dozen of the starchy, jelly-filled pastry. Yes. Fifty!
Obviously, that man's Tuesday is going to be a hell of a lot fatter than mine, and I'm guessing he's just going to go home and glut himself on jelly-doughnuts and porn. And, when he rolls off the couch tomorrow morning, he'll wipe the powdered sugar from his face, and wobble his corpulence into the ritualistic starvation of Lent.
Me? Well, I have six doughnuts. I highly doubt I will eat them all, and, being the unwashed, godless, heathen atheist that I am, I pretty much plan to keep my eating habits in tact. I will plow down a bacon-double cheeseburger in the face of a scowling Catholic as they condemn me to an eternity of suffering while I wipe mustard from the corners of my mouth. I'm just evil that way, I guess.
When I was in high school, a friend's devoutly Catholic mother used to hate me at this time of year. When we were growing up and Lent rolled around, she had an odd habit of throwing potatoes at me for corrupting her son with burrito supremes and nachos from Taco Bell. We would sit in his basement, eating our greasy pseudo-Mexican munchies, andno sooner after loading up our food with hot sauce, we'd hear the hollow "thunk" of potatoes bouncing down the stairs.
"What are you doing?" My friend would holler up at her.
"He's bringing the Devil into this house!"
In her defense, she used to be a nun, and she's absolutely bonkers. In her mind, everything from jock-straps to ear-wax remover were avenues by which the Devil could enter a human and corrupt them into nasty things.
However, once Easter had come and gone, all bets were off, and I was a perfect, little angel in her eyes --so long as I didn't openly advocate the use of ear-wax remover.
So, Lent is a pretty silly time for me. Yes. I plan to eat a lot. I always plan to eat a lot, and it's nice to have an excuse to do so. It really doesn't take much for me, as you can probably figure out. I like to eat, and fortunately, my metabolism can keep up. Tonight, I'll be heading to a friend's restaurant who needs a little help with his menu. He'll be plopping plates and bowls in front of me all night and expecting nothing but a completely honest appraisal of the dishes I've devoured. It should be a lot of fun with a lot of food.
Anyway, I suggest you all eat a jelly doughnut today. If nothing else, it's good for the soul. And, if you do take part in Lent, well... I'll try not to gloat when I ask you to hand me a napkin.