Sunday, December 31, 2006

You Say You Want a Resolution...

    Okay.  I'm going to do this Weekend Assignment in which John Scalzi asked us to come up with at least one New Year's resolution.  So, without further ado (adieu?), I give you my resolutions for 2007...

     My first resolution of 2007 is to stop writing 2006 on all my checks.  Last year, it took me quite a long time to stop doing that, and, well, I don't need to look like a bigger idiot than I already am, you know? 
    After that, I resolve to exercise a hell of a lot less than I did in '06.  Let's face it, I did a lot of running around over the course of the last year, and I am sore.  I don't like being sore.  And, to make matters worse, all that running around exercising seriously cuts into my smoking, drinking and consumption of fried foods.  So, for '07, there will be little exercise.  Which brings me to my next resolution:

    In 2007, I plan to use my couch more.  It's a nice couch.  It was kind of expensive, and I am never on it.  The cats like to sleep there, but I haven't spent enough time on it to understand why.  This is something I feel I need to investigate.
    Also, in 2007, I plan to exploit my neighbor's children.  They're good kids, but they're not very bright.  I figure I can get a heck of a lot of yard work done at a bargain price.  Plus, their lawn looks better than mine, so they probably know what they're doing.  And, since I have no intention of wasting my precious couch-time learning about lawn care, it's probably best to let them handle it.

    Now, when I do leave the house, I resolve to let other drivers know how I truly feel about their abilities.  This may involve hand-gestures, screaming out the window, or possibly a PIT maneuver to send them careening out of control and out of my way.  I'm in a hurry, and every second spent away from my couch is a second spent potentially exercising, and as I said, I don't want to be sore. 

    Let's see...  I resolve not to punch any old people in 2007.  Punching the elderly is cruel and mean.  Even after they smack with their canes for running them and their Buicks off the road, I will not reduce myself to physical violence.  Instead, I will pay someone.  After all, boxing is exercise, and I'm afraid breaking a sweat would break my resolutions.

    Anyway, I think that wraps it up for me.  I pretty much just resolve to be a slovenly, lazy bastard.  I don't know if I'll be able to pull it off since I've never been really good with resolutions, but this year, I am really going to give it my all. 



  1. You forgot animal abuse! Ugh! HA!

  2. Dan,

    You really cracked me up with this!  So much I read it aloud to the kids and my dad.  My dad wants you to come to NJ and try to outrun him Buick Lucerne, if you can.  LOL  He drives it like a hot rod from the 50's... I wouldn't advice you try!  LOL

    be well,

  3. I drive a Jeep, Dawn.  I'd be surprised if your dad COULDN'T outrun me.  

    Other than that, are your kids interested in a little work?  I pay sweat-shop wages, but it'll be a good resume builder.  It'll show future employers that your children are not interested in things like money, vacation or insurance.  


  4. ... and you will probably end 2007 alot healthier than the rest of us. Tina

  5. Your resolutions would be unrealistic for me.  I'm still writing 1999 on my paperwork, which is really starting to aggrivate the lates in Invoicing.  Dickidoo is always splayed out over the couch... no room for me.  My kids are the oldest kids on the block... and they're useless.  AND those old folks are always trying to kill me so what ever happens, what ever I do... IT WAS SELF DEFENSE!
    Happy New Year.  Dorn

  6. Brilliant entry, what more can I say, pmsl as usual, Samxx

  7. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAsuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmm!:)
    Danners, you are the real Mr. America!
    Whoeee! "( that I know a superstar... I can get in backstage to Radiohead and know..the Duper Dtars!:):))"
    Say Dan! How'sa bout we go check in on your friends?:)

  8. No comment on the resolutions. Mine are, uh, well, they're around here somewhere.

    But, happy to see you're a Jeep person. Bought an Unlimited last year, and I got to "use" it for the first time this morning. There was a standstill due to a wreck, and I drove over the median along with another Jeep and a Hummer. Felt like a man.


  9. One can but try.  
    Go ahead and give it your all!

  10. I hope you succeed and I want to read about it every step of the way LOL!