Sunday, December 31, 2006
You Say You Want a Resolution...
Okay. I'm going to do this Weekend Assignment in which John Scalzi asked us to come up with at least one New Year's resolution. So, without further ado (adieu?), I give you my resolutions for 2007...
My first resolution of 2007 is to stop writing 2006 on all my checks. Last year, it took me quite a long time to stop doing that, and, well, I don't need to look like a bigger idiot than I already am, you know?
After that, I resolve to exercise a hell of a lot less than I did in '06. Let's face it, I did a lot of running around over the course of the last year, and I am sore. I don't like being sore. And, to make matters worse, all that running around exercising seriously cuts into my smoking, drinking and consumption of fried foods. So, for '07, there will be little exercise. Which brings me to my next resolution:
In 2007, I plan to use my couch more. It's a nice couch. It was kind of expensive, and I am never on it. The cats like to sleep there, but I haven't spent enough time on it to understand why. This is something I feel I need to investigate.
Also, in 2007, I plan to exploit my neighbor's children. They're good kids, but they're not very bright. I figure I can get a heck of a lot of yard work done at a bargain price. Plus, their lawn looks better than mine, so they probably know what they're doing. And, since I have no intention of wasting my precious couch-time learning about lawn care, it's probably best to let them handle it.
Now, when I do leave the house, I resolve to let other drivers know how I truly feel about their abilities. This may involve hand-gestures, screaming out the window, or possibly a PIT maneuver to send them careening out of control and out of my way. I'm in a hurry, and every second spent away from my couch is a second spent potentially exercising, and as I said, I don't want to be sore.
Let's see... I resolve not to punch any old people in 2007. Punching the elderly is cruel and mean. Even after they smack with their canes for running them and their Buicks off the road, I will not reduce myself to physical violence. Instead, I will pay someone. After all, boxing is exercise, and I'm afraid breaking a sweat would break my resolutions.
Anyway, I think that wraps it up for me. I pretty much just resolve to be a slovenly, lazy bastard. I don't know if I'll be able to pull it off since I've never been really good with resolutions, but this year, I am really going to give it my all.