Monday, February 27, 2006

Holy Crap! I'm a Bastard!

Now, when I say I want to be a snob, I'm not talking about being a member of the Society of Nordic Barbershop Singers (then again, that could probably be fun too, but I'm not Nordic by any stretch, and I couldn't sing to save my life.  Moonwalk?  Maybe.  Singing?  No way). 

Nope.  When I say I want to be a snob, I mean I want to be the type of guy who looks down his nose at people as though they were a piece of bad cheese.  I want to say things like "Sir?  You are a boorish lout." And, "Take this vile pinot away.  It insults me." 

Yes.  I want to be a first-class, solipsitic prick.  Perhaps it's because I'm part French?  Then again, I'm also part German, and whenever I look in the mirror, I have an odd habit of throwing my hands in the air and giving up.  Maybe this morning the French part of me is winning.  That would be something, eh?

I want to go up to people I meet, give them a cold, limp, clammy little handshake and say things like "charmed" or "pleased to meet you."  I want to know how it feels to eat a friggin scone while daintily sipping my tea and pointing at the person opposite me with my pinky.  And, when I laugh, I want it to be a half-hearted sort of "ha.. ha.. haa" thing.  I want a monocle and a walking stick even though I don't need either. 

Yeppers...  I want to be a snobbish ass for no good reason. 



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1 comment:

  1. got up early to write about that huh? I used to pertend I was a hoity toity snob like that. but seriously they are boring peeps to hang with. Unless you move to england where the general population behaves like that, but then again you would just be a commoner. The hoity toity are too inbred to relate. And isn't the wisconsin snob one to say, "pour that Pabst into a glass, please" And have it actually be a glass and not a mason jar?

    And the nordic barbaershop singers are hard-core. I saw an ad posted for a moonwalker for their Jackson 5 revue. Since the nordic folk are all but devoid of any sense of rhythm. You could become FAMOUS man! but you have to provide your own Liederhosen of course.

    And you are not a bastard, I'm sure you have a daddy.

    Now don't u feel better?