Thursday, February 23, 2006

Curse you, John Scalzi...

Imagine, if you will, what will the world be like in the year 2011?  Will we finally be driving our spacecars?  Will Tom and Katie still be together, and when are the Stones coming to town?

In his blog, By the Way, Author, AOL Editor, and all-around silly guy, John Scalzi issues the challenge for people to describe 10 "facts" of their lives over the course of the next five years.  And, since I'm never one to leave these things well-enough alone, I figured I'd take a stab at it...  So, enjoy!

#1.    Let's start in the near future with 2006, okay?   More specifically, Summer of '06.  Shortly after my 38th birthday, I will finally set aside an entire day to do the laundry that has been sitting in a basket in the basement since the end of the 20th Century, and there I will finally find my long-lost Huey Lewis and The News concert shirt.   And, after spending the entire summer showing off my Huey shirt, by the time autumn hits, the country is caught up in an uncontrollable wave of nostalgia, and after a Tupperware party in Miami turns into a devestating, city-wide, two-week riot, Mr. Huey Lewis, while riding a new-found wave of sudden popularity, reunites The News and organizes a three-day benefit-concert and raises over three-hundred billion dollars to rebuild the tattered and tortured tropical town.  To thank him for his humanitarian efforts, Huey Lewis is unanimously awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace, and in his acceptance speech, he thanks me for doing laundry that fateful day. 

#2.    I think I win the lottery early in 2007.  Unfortunately, the jackpot was only a million dollars, and since taxes were so high, I wound up having to pay more than three-hundred grand in order to call myself a winner.  Is there any wonder why I chose to forget such a horrible episode in my life?

#3.    In the summer of '07, while experimenting with culinary fusion, I try to combine a grilled-chicken caesar salad with a cheese omelette, and after adding two finely-chopped chives, I discover the answer to the question "Which came first: The chicken or the egg?" 

#4.    In the winter of 2007, I do laundry, and Huey Lewis wins another Nobel.  Unfortunately, this time, at his benefit concert to raise money for the impoverished Microsoft Corporation, 1980's hairstyles have returned; thus, Aqua-Net sales sky-rocket and the Earth's ozone layer is dealt a lethal blow.  And, suddenly, just like twenty-years earlier, I find myself getting beat up for wearing my Huey Lewis shirt. 

#5.    Escaping the ire of my countrymen in 2008, I find myself stranded in the backwaters of Outer-Mongolia living in a Yurt and selling contraband hair-spray and Grateful Dead bootlegs (I've had enough of Mr. Lewis at this point).  Here's my humble abode:


#6.    One day, while swapping three Hello Kitty t-shirts for twelve gallons of yogurt in 2009, a small Renault pulls up to my yurt, coughs twice, belches out a thick cloud of black smoke, and finally dies with a long, rattling shudder.  A woman steps out and explains that she's a Zen-Buddhist from France where she owns a poodle-farm in the Burgundy hill-country.  She tells me that her name is Lilly, and she needs an "edge" in the upcoming Westminster-Hooters' Kennel Club Dog Show, and a "friend of a friend" apparently told her that my yurt was just the place to go for that edge.  So, having nothing left to lose at this point, I give her my remaining cache of Aqua-Net on the condition that she give me a ride back to France.  She agreed, and I promptly sign the deed to my Yurt over to the man with the 12 gallons of yogurt.  And, here's the happy salesman and some friends (you'll notice I mowed the lawn and installed a Direct TV satellite dish in my yurt before leaving):


#7.    During our drive from Mongolia to France in 2009, Lilly's Renault was rear-ended by a yak somewhere in Mongolia.  When we confronted the driver of the yak, it turned out to be George Lucas,and he was utterly drunk.  He explained that he had one-too many vodka yogurt shooters while scouting locations for a new space epic starring Huey Lewis.  

#8.    In late 2009, I win the lottery again.  This time I win two-million.  Unfortunately, with taxes being what they are, I find myself owing a hundred grand, but it's clear my luck is improving.

#9.    In 2010, Lilly's poodles dominate the Dog Show --winning all categories AND Best in Show.  She and I had to be careful to keep them away from open flames due to the Aqua-Net (those little guys go up like tinder-boxes, ya know?).   But, they did well, and even passed all their steroid tests amid doping allegations:                                                       


#10.   In 2011, with the ozone layer now completely gone, Lilly and I decide to vacation in Tibet.  It is at this time that I realize that I want this little Zen-Buddhist poodle-farmer from France to be my wife.  So, one day, outside a Starbuck's in Kathmandu, I ask her to marry me.  Fortunately, a passing sherpa was accomodating enough to take the following photo (that's me on the right).  As you can plainly see, I am very nervous (but she just looks so excited, huh?):


Now, there's also a sort of extra-credit thing to this assignment.  Who will be president in 2011?

That's easy!!   Keith Richardswill be president of the United States.  However, both the House and the Senate will have its members replaced by chimpanzees in 2011, and things in this country will suddenly begin to improve. 

Well, that's what I have to look forward to for the next five years.  That is, of course, if I ever DO decide to actually get around to doing that laundry. 

See ya,




  1. OH god...why did you steal my Huey Lewis thing, man? I'm president of the official fan club and he's already gonna be my third husband in 2015, that's when the restraining order expires... so he'll be too busy to be a Nobel prize winner, if ya know what i mean...

  2. Whoa!  I won the lottery too, but only once.

  3. Those are the creepiest poodles I've ever seen. This is my 1st time to your journal..I'll be back...

  4. OMG... this is hysterical!!!!  How was that fusion meal anyway?

    be well,