Well, the houseguests are asleep all snug in their beds which I tried to make as uncomfortable as possible. After all, I don't want them to feel as though they're at home or anything. If they wanted to feel at home, they should not have come to my house.
Now, all I need is to figure out how to wake them up, feed them breakfast, and chase them the hell out of Milwaukee. I don't own a gun, so that complicates things. And, well, I don't want them to feel as though they're unwanted. After all, Christmas is right around the corner, and I want a nice gift, dammit.
Now, as cool as it would be to start peppering the walls with shotgun blasts to jolt my people from their sweet little slumbers, I need to be subtle. I do know some of them quite well, but not nearly well enough to know whether or not any of them have any sort of heart condition, and the last thing I really want to do today is figure out how to dispose of a body or two.
Actually, that's the second to last thing. The absolute last thing I really want to do today is go shopping. The local news was showing people lined up outside of Toys R Us at five o'clock in the freaking morning! I just don't get it. Why would you go to all the hassle of camping out to pick up an Elmo doll whose only purpose in life is to annoy the bloody hell out of you to the point you silently weep and beg for the sweet release of a death that can only come at the hands of dead batteries?
Anyway, since I don't have an army of Elmo dolls to cackle and chatter my houseguests into a frothing rage which will have them bolting out the doors, I think there's only one option remaining: I must cook.
So, I'm off to throw some bacon in the oven (always bake your bacon, people), whip up some Hollandaise, get things chopped, sliced and diced for omelets, fry some potatoes, and pretty much wake them up slowly with the nice smells of a damn good breakfast.
Next year, however, I will get a gun. And pepper spray just in case they get any ideas of trying to sneak back into the house by claiming to have forgotten something.