Well, the houseguests are asleep all snug in their beds which I tried to make as uncomfortable as possible. After all, I don't want them to feel as though they're at home or anything. If they wanted to feel at home, they should not have come to my house.Now, all I need is to figure out how to wake them up, feed them breakfast, and chase them the hell out of Milwaukee. I don't own a gun, so that complicates things. And, well, I don't want them to feel as though they're unwanted. After all, Christmas is right around the corner, and I want a nice gift, dammit.
Now, as cool as it would be to start peppering the walls with shotgun blasts to jolt my people from their sweet little slumbers, I need to be subtle. I do know some of them quite well, but not nearly well enough to know whether or not any of them have any sort of heart condition, and the last thing I really want to do today is figure out how to dispose of a body or two.
Actually, that's the second to last thing. The absolute last thing I really want to do today is go shopping. The local news was showing people lined up outside of Toys R Us at five o'clock in the freaking morning! I just don't get it. Why would you go to all the hassle of camping out to pick up an Elmo doll whose only purpose in life is to annoy the bloody hell out of you to the point you silently weep and beg for the sweet release of a death that can only come at the hands of dead batteries?
Anyway, since I don't have an army of Elmo dolls to cackle and chatter my houseguests into a frothing rage which will have them bolting out the doors, I think there's only one option remaining: I must cook.
So, I'm off to throw some bacon in the oven (always bake your bacon, people), whip up some Hollandaise, get things chopped, sliced and diced for omelets, fry some potatoes, and pretty much wake them up slowly with the nice smells of a damn good breakfast.
Next year, however, I will get a gun. And pepper spray just in case they get any ideas of trying to sneak back into the house by claiming to have forgotten something.
-DP
Mmm, bacon. I'm on my way. B.
ReplyDeleteI don't get that shopping thing either. Bake the bacon? I've never done that...what temperature and how long does it take?
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your house-clearing.
Bake it or buy the precooked. The only two ways.
ReplyDeleteWell, it is sad to think parents feel that they should teach their children it is all about presents & about "getting what you want". Sad! Did anyone see Oprah's Dec Magazine's "What I Know For Sure" (I read those first) I'm thinking "Girl, how did you not know this ahead of time!" She is not as smart as I thought! Here is the link:
ReplyDeletehttp://www2.oprah.com/omagazine/200612/omag_200612_mission.jhtml
Very interesting! She should have known she worked her way up to what she has now & would appreciate it more. To just magical overnight change their lives is really not great!
Why is everyone mentioning food today...bacon, pizza, corned beef hash....must find something tasty for my dinner...there's gotta be something here, god knows I spend enough on groceries.
ReplyDeleteOne question though - have you got a spare bed for next Thanksgiving? I'll bring my own pillow, pleeeeaaase......
You are a very good host!!! Omlettes with holandaise! My fave! In fact, just what I had today at IHOP!
ReplyDeletebe well,
Dawn
ps... come read me... you haven't in a while... if you have time...
Your house sounds like the place to be... :)
ReplyDeleteThose shoppers are nutty...every last one of those "already parked in the mall at 5AM" goof-offs. But its the one of the only days of the year where I can say I went to work and got to sleep in later than most people...
You BAKE your bacon? Hmmm. Sounds like your house was full of good food and family. Great entry. Only thing about shooting up the walls. Then you have repair them. How about an air horn?
ReplyDeleteHave a good Holiday Season.
Barb
I bake my bacon too! Much better! Man you must be a good cook! I wanna come over!
ReplyDeletePam
Tazers. Nothing is funnier than getting Great Aunt Betsy up with a tazer. Except it made the house stink like old wig and moth balls for like 2 days. And now she sings the national anthem every time we turn on the microwave. Forgot about the whole 'pacemaker' thing.
ReplyDeleteThis is how dumb i am...bake the bacon? I have never even HEARD of that. And I grew up with the bacon aficionado of Chicago.
And I had to throw down some major ghetto whoop-ass in the Toys R Us when some soccer mom tried to buy the last Princess talking kitchenette. I got it. That's the great thing about being 8 months preggo and weighing as much as a linebacker. Bitches move!
Glad you had a good holiday. You must tell me about the baking of the bacon thing. I only have 8 weeks of hardcore eating left!
THIS is absolutely HYSTERICAL! While reading it, I found myself giggling as if I was back in fourth grade, hiding under the desks at recess with my friend Karma, covertly looking up the word "sex" in the encyclopaedia!
ReplyDeleteThanks for a good giggle, and this early in the morning, too! ;)
Kristen