Washington, DC -- At the urging of the United States' Department of Homeland Security, the president formerly known as George Walker Bush has officially changed his name to Joe Stalin. However, choosing a new cognomen wasn't an easy task for this administration:
"We tossed around all sorts of options." Mr. Stalin said recently when asked about what may have been his administration's most difficult decision to date. "One of my advisers suggested Nikita Krushchev, but I thought that sounded too girly. And, well, Benito sounded too South-of-the-Boarder, and Leonid just doesn't match my personality. So, we figured Joe would be good. Joe's a buddy-sounding name, right? I want people, especially children, to call me Uncle Joe."
When asked about whether or not he wishes to be compared to former Soviet leader known for his oppressive regime, Mr. Stalin says, "Not so much. I mean, I admire his flair for the dictatorial. But, really, we're two totally different people. For example, I'm the kind of Uncle Joe who you'd feel comfortable calling if you needed a wall or a fence built. The other guy? He'd just shoot them or toss them in prison. That's no fun, really."
With the new name, Mr. Stalin also recently signed a law making it easier for him to declare Martial Law in the United States.
"We're really talking about exposure here," Mr. Stalin said when asked about the legislation. "We're just trying to find ways to create a captive audience. We want America to listen to its Uncle Joe, and with TiVo, television no longer works. And, people out there should listen to me. For example, let's say I decide that since I'm such a good leader, America wants to keep its Uncle Joe in office a little while longer? How will they know if we get rid of that whole term-limit nonsense? They won't. And, the last thing we want is a bunch of Americans standing around outside expecting to vote in November of '08 when they don't have to. It's cold in America, you know?"
*update* [To say it's] Kafka-esque doesn't do it justice. This is 'Alice in Wonderland.
Gitanjali Gutierrez, an attorney for [Majid] Khan's family, responded in a court document yesterday that there is no evidence that Khan had top-secret information. "Rather," she said, "the executive is attempting to misuse its classification authority . . . to conceal illegal or embarrassing executive conduct."They can't hold Majid Kahn because they have no legitimate evidence to do so, and since they have potentially subjected him to