Thursday, September 25, 2008

[The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind] Oh, my love...

Oh Sarah... Sweet, sweet Sarah. It's impossible to profess my love and devotion to you and your antics in this clumsy, cumbersome medium. Just know that if you weren't currently running with a man who can barely walk as a result of lugging his melon-sized prostate around the country, it would be you and me tripping happily through the snow covered fields of looking for baby seals to club so I could turn them into toasty mittens for your cold little hands.

Sarah? Lipstick or not, you are the bee's knees, doncha know!

Yes. I know. That mean man in Russia is always peeking across the Bering Strait into your bathroom window to drink you in as though you were a bottle of his beloved vodka. But, can you blame him, Sarah? You have the kind of fabulous rack that could defrost a Siberian gulag.

I'm sorry. That was sexist of me. I lose my head sometimes. It's hard not to since the only other catch coming into my house out of Alaska is a box of frozen crab legs I picked up at Piggly Wiggly, and they don't say such sweet, sensible things like you.

They are damned tasty with butter, though.

Thankfully, Sarah, as a result of your proximity to this bad, bad man, you have the foreign policy experience to handle him. And, since I live close to an airport, I have the necessary experience to grab the nearest 747 to fly up there and rescue you should the bad, bad Russian man prove to be more than your immense foreign diplomatic skills can handle.

Now, don't let that Katie person get to you, Sarah. She's an agent of evil. A liberal activist. A communist who hates baby Jesus and loves witchcraft. Don't worry. You're protected against witchcraft thanks to the nice preacher who once got a woman run out of his Kenyan town because she was using her witchcraft to cause traffic accidents. He's got an eye for witchcraft, that one. He's such a nice man for using his Jesus to bless you, and I am glad you have such nice friends, Sarah. We should buy him a puppy and see if he can baptize your teenager's baby.

But, I digress...

Sarah? It's not that you look stupid. Trust me. You do. Don't take it personally. Some people like that. After all, Benny Hill made a career out of it, and our current president was reelected and started a war with it. Stupid sells. Stupid wins. People want to be with stupid (they even have shirts made up and everything). Stupid beats evil any day in my book, baby.

Sorry... I'm a sexist bastard. But, I'm not elitist. I'm too poor to be elitist. Then again, I do live close to a bank.

Oh Sarah. Thank you for showing me how easy it is to gain experience in life. Ever since I was a child, I've dreamed of being an astronaut, but I always believed so many things kept me from following that dream. Little did I know that I could simply move to Denver to be close enough to space to call myself an astronaut.

Then again, do you like doctors, Sarah? I mean, women want to marry doctors, right? I live right by a hospital, so I've got that going for me.

How about firemen?

There's a fire station less than two hundred yards away. Think of the experience I have there. It's so close, I think I am a great fireman.

Oh Sarah. Thank you for showing me how easy life is. The only way I can repay you is to love you with my whole little heart.

Love and Kisses,

Posted By Dan to The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind at 9/26/2008 12:09:00 AM


  1. Wait till you see those photos of Sara in her bathing suit, as a former beauty contestant. You'll be drooling buckets, guy!
    Sincerely, Rose~*