Oh my God! I'm Going to Die Today!

    I knew it is was only a matter of time.  I shouldn't have looked, but it was something like a traffic accident.  I couldn't help but take a quick peek when I saw the link while probing the news this morning.  And, even though I didn't want to know what the link contained, I clicked on the following:

 

AOL Horoscopes: Daily, Weekly & Monthly Horoscopes

 

    From there, seeing as how I was inevitably caught up in the spirit of this wiggy, Pagan voodoo, I entered my birthday and received the following horoscope:

 

    "The pace of life could slow down a bit for you today, giving you time to integrate what has recently happened. You may need to reconsider your goals or even change your position on a professional matter. If something totally unexpected is tossed at you, do your best to catch it in stride. Mind your own business; any extra concern that you put toward someone else's problem might only make it worse."

 

    The notion of my life's pace slowing down any more than it already is can mean only one thing:  I will die today.  And, this is further supported by the idea that I may actually have to reconsider my goals.  In short, my horoscope is telling me, "Hey Dan?  Don't make any long-term plans, quit working, be happy, take it in stride and don't be surprised that you're going to croak today, okay?"

 

    On top of that, don't come to me with any problems.  I'll just say something like, "What?  You think YOU have troubles?  Ha!  I'm the one who's going to die, and I've got a lot of things to do before that happens! (which, mind you, will inevitably increase the pace of my life while I try and prepare for the unavoidable big, slow-down that's lurking on the horizon)."

 

    Now, don't worry.  You see, I also checked my horoscope for Thursday, and I was told the following:

 

    "You may be on an upward ridenow, even if you are carrying feelings from very obscure places within your mind. You can, however, transform the terror associated with imagined creatures lurking in the shadows simply by shining the light of awareness into the darkness. Overcome your fears by fully experiencing your emotions."

 

    Of course, the key words there are "upward ride," so, if I actually somehow manage to not screw up being dead, at least I know where I'm headed, eh?  But, it's clear I am going to show up with a LOT of baggage, so I'd better bring a sandwich to nibble on while God and I sort all this stuff out.

 

    On the other hand, there's a pretty good chance that my horoscope was written by an elderly woman in Iowa who probably smokes Pall-Malls and drinks a considerable amount of malt-liquor, and rather than miss her deadline, she decided to kill me.  Thanks a lot, lady. 

 

See ya,

DP