Monday, August 7, 2006

Death and Brunch.


    Yesterday, Allison and I decided to hit brunch.  I like brunch.  It gives me a great opportunity to not only test the effectiveness of my Lipitor prescription with a near-unlimited supply of sausage and bacon, but I also have the potential to hone my wicked-mad ninja skills on an omelette chef as he charges and slashes at me with a gleaming cheese knife and a frothy mouth.
    "I'd like some of this, oooh..  And that.  Hey!  Those green onions look good.  Are they good?  You didn't get them from Chi-Chi's did you?  Those scallions almost killed Pennsylvania, I think.  Is that Gruyere?  Is that crab meat fresh?  I've been poisoned a lot this week.  Got it?  Oh yeah.  No need to dazzle me with your flipping skills.  I'm not impressed.  I've been making omelettes since you were... well... since YOU yourself were an egg, cowboy.  Easy on the butter.  I'll be over at that bucket of bacon. Yee-haw!"
    Of course, as I sat down with a plate of omelette, sausages, toast, and another plate of bacon (there may have been a sweet roll in there somewhere, but its existence is something of a blur), the delightful woman sitting across from me just sort of stared blankly with one eye twitching.
    "Got enough to eat?" she asked as she nibbled on her lobster eggs benedict.  "Would you like me to fetch you the head off the goose ice-sculpture for you to gnaw on?"
    "Don't be silly," I said.  "It's a swan.  Not a goose."
    "Got enough bacon?" She asked.
    "I hope so."  I replied.  "It's all they had left."
    "Yeah," she sighed between bites.  "Think you'll have enough with the twenty pieces you have, or should I ask them to bring out more?" 
    Hey!  It's not my fault.  If you put me in a place with a sign displaying "All You Can Eat," I'm going to see that as a challenge.  And, when that challenge includes bacon, I'll double up on the Lipitor and give it an honest effort.  I will either get full (yeah right!), or, more likely, my heart will explode like bad plumbing.  But, I will go with a smile on my face.  I swear, I ate so much bacon that day that the frothy little omelette chef could have met me in the parking lot, stuck me straight in the heart with that cheese knife, and that wound would have instantly sealed itself. 
    On top of that, brunch was Allison's idea.  I wanted to stay home and make blueberry pancakes.  So, if anything, she's an enabler for my tremendous addiction to artery-straining pork products. 



  1. I suddenly find myself hungry, in need of food...and lots of it!! LOL!!

    Great entry!

    Lv Ste

  2. mmmm...BACON!!! Yummy yummy

  3. LOL!  I love me some good brunch too!

  4. Sounds like a scrumptious brunch to me, artery busting or not! lol


  5. that sounds like fun Dan! lol!

  6. See, now I find brunch a little confusing. Around here most brunches are held at large hotel chains and cost anywhere from $17-$23, depending if they are serving champagn or not. I tend to skip the breakfast foods and omelet station and go right for the peel 'n' eat shrimp, cheeses, fruit and main dishes like Chicken Marsala or prime rib and then a big hit at the dessert table. I can eat eggs and bacon at home.

  7. Cut back on the lipitor and make room for more bacon, that's what I do. B.

  8. I really must visit the US just to try suicide by saturated fats!!


    You take some 'woman' out to brunch and I can't even get a damn glass of orange juice from you?


    Amanda :)

  10. P.S. - Now I'm hungry.

    Thanks a lot.

    Amanda :)

  11. Man, I am starving now. And all we have is bran flakes cereal for breakfast. Maybe I'll take the little boy out for some pancakes and bacon. No, the bacon here sucks. Another reason to move out of Utah. Shitty bacon. How the hell can they ruin bacon? Well, what can you expect from a state where you have to go on a major search mission just to find beer?

  12. Oh Dan... did you pay for all the grease later??? Did it exit in a hurry???  After the week you had... well, I would have been more cautious - but good for you!  I agree, brunches are for eating as much of the yummy stuff as you can!  

    Go Lipitor!

    be well,

  13. have just discovered your journal through Ste, you seem like seriously funny bloke, at least you had me laughing in places

  14. I love Brunch but never go. I don't need to eat like that. But, I do just love bacon. I don't eat it at home. I don't need it. But, if I saw bacon I would grab all the pieces and eat them.

  15. Hey...i think i was at that brunch! I wondered where all the bacon went!
    Thats ok though...I made up for it by taking all the cheese cubes...Yummy!

    ~Terry Ü

  16. Brunch smuunch. Whatever happened to Denny's? IHOP?