Coincidence? I don't think so...

    

 

    After causing an "incident" with our friends in Canada, Flat Scalzi is now visiting Stacey in New England.  And, unfortunately, it's clear that Flat is, once again, up to no good.  I awoke this morning to see the following headlines:

 

TheBostonChannel.com - News - Store Doughboy Kidnapped, Held For Ransom     

 

cbs4boston.com - Doughboy Kidnapped From NH Store

 

ABC7Chicago.com: Pillsbury Doughboy kidnapped from supermarket

 

    Am I supposed to believe that our little two-dimensional traveler is NOT behind this?   Something must be done to stop this 14-inch tall, bald, cardboard menace as he carves his trail of chaos from sea to shining sea. 

 

    Earlier today, I made some calls, drove to a particularly seedy bar in a lousy part of town, and it was there I met with someone who, not only has some very large guns, she also has the uncanny ability of thinking like a two-dimensional being. 

 

    I would like to introduce you to Flat Lara Croft (don't ask about the beads.  Like I said, it was a very seedy bar).  Should you see her as she stalks the flat, little fellow, you are advised to stay out of her way.  Rumor also has it that Flat Scalzi once spurned Flat Lara's amorous advances, and it's clear that hell hath no fury like a cardboard woman scorned. 

 

     After his exploits in Canada, and his now alleged kidnapping of the Pillsbury Doughboy from a supermarket in New Hampshire,it's clear that Flat Scalzi is one, tough cookie who simply scoff's at the laws of our three-dimensional world. 

 

    Let's hope that Flat Lara Croft can apprehend this menace for questioning before any further damage can be done.  Gumby is also wanted for questioning in this case. 

 

 

 

 

Tag: Flat Scalzi

Danger! Danger! Danger!

Why does this remind me of that part in Ghostbusters when the paranormal containment unit exploded? 

 

Music News - Richards in 'Good Condition' After Concussion - AOL News

 

"[Spokeswoman Fran Curtis] denied, however, that the 62-year-old rocker would require a drill through his skull to drain blood from his brain, as some news reports have suggested."

Thank God!  That's definitely a Pandora's Box that you do not want opened.  Poking around Keith's brain is something far beyond our current medical and scientific capabilities.  Who knows what might spill out?

 

Don't get me wrong.  I love Keith Richards, and I'm glad to hear he's doing well.  I just sleep much better at night with the knowledge that whatever is in Keith's head, stays in Keith's head.  I mean, for all we know, once you drill a hole in that noggin, what tumbles out might be an army of high-priced, angry hookers hell-bent on demolishing a Toy's R Us in Peoria, Illinois. 

 

So, please!  For the sake of humanity, just stay out of Keith's head! 

A new job?

    I'm not sure why, but I was poking around in my spam-folder, and it's clear to me that I now have to adjust my settings.  I almost missed out on this incredible opportunity before it wound up in the vast nothingness where most deleted emails go.  Look!  It's got a reference number and everything!  How can this not be legitimate?  Plus, it's China!  And, you know how strict they are about the internet. 

 

    But wait!  There's MORE!  It's got pearls, diamonds, gems and jewelry (calm down, ladies!  I havent been hired yet).  Yes!  Precious jewels!  So precious...  They likes us.  They wants to give us the PRECIOUS!    

 

 

Ref: UK/9420X2/68

I am Mr Cheng Huang President/Founder of  CHINA NATIONAL PEARLS DIAMOND GEM & JEWELRY (CNPDG&J) IMPORT AND EXPORT CORP.

We deal in mining and supply of jewel products and export into America and Canada. Our head office is located in China. I am interested in employing your services, to work with me as our payment agent who can help us establish a medium of receiving payment on our behalf for goods supplied to our customers in America and Canada.  Please if you are interested in transacting business with us we will be very glad.  Further more you will be entitled to 10% of every payment that you are able to receive for us from our customers. Please contact us for more information. All you have to do is send me your full name, detailed mailing address, telephone and fax numbers.

 

(The following are questions from the email with my answers in red)

 

1. Full Name: Zongo the Magnificent

2. Full Contact/Mailing Address: Maytag Box #4 behind Gus's House of Boiled Goat.

3. Phone and Fax Numbers: I'm currently between Phone and Fax Numbers.

4. Date and Place of Birth: The Tuesday that it rained. Lome, Togo.

5. Next Of Kin: My only significant other is a tuna-salad sandwich.

6. Present Occupation: Bastard step-child.

7. Average Yearly Income: Oh. That sounds like math to me.

 

Regards,

Mr. Cheng Huang.President.CHINA NATIONAL PEARLS DIAMOND GEM & JEWELRY (CNPDG&J)

 

 Keep those fingers crossed for me, okay? 

One-Hundred Things...

    Alright.  I was over at Paul's blog, and I stumbled upon his 100 Things meme.  And, after reading it, and pretty much laughing like a giggly, little gnome, I decided to see if it was actually possible to compile a list of 100 things about me.  So, I'm going to be a self-absorbed, ego-centric nozzle for a bit and see what I can come up with here.

1. I live in Wisconsin.
2. I like cheese.
3. No.  I really, really like cheese.
4. I like beer a little more than cheese.
5. I used to brew my own beer.  It never lasted long, because...
6. I am good to my friends. 
7. In college I spent my summers in Europe.
8. I stole a couple of bricks from the Roman Aquaduct.
9. My favorite Euro-beer is Oranjeboom.
10. I stole a huge Oranjeboom banner from a soccer game in Eindhoven.
11. I don't like soccer.
12. I have weird pets.
13. My cat loves Roquefort cheese. 
14. I drive a Jeep.
15. I've driven across the country twice for no particular reason.
16. I drove the Lincoln Highway (Hwy. 50) from Ocean City, MD to San Francisco, CA. 
17. If you live anywhere near Hwy 50, I'm sorry I didn't drop in and say hello.
18. It took me ten years to write my first book.
19. I'm hoping the next one takes less time and is easier to sell.
20. I wrote a play called "Static Chatter" in 1996.
21. People laughed so hard they had tears in their eyes.
22. That's not really about me.
23. I think American Idol is the worst thing to ever happen to music.
24. I kind of like Kelly Clarkson.
25. I'm ashamed to admit that.
26. I play guitar.
27. I own more than twelve guitars.
28. I went to the same music school as Liberace --not at the same time.
29. We were both sixteen in our first years. 
30. The similarities end there because I'm not gay.
31. I sometimes miss my ex-girlfriend.
32. I always miss her daughter.
33. I'm trying to quit smoking.
34. I'm a good cook.
35. My favorite sauce is beurre blanc.
36. My favorite steak is a rib eye --medium rare.
37. I like smoked eels. 
38. I once saw a lady who ate only the heads off shrimp and tossed the tails away.
39. I don't like eating shark.
40. I once jumped out of a perfectly good airplane.
41. I landed safely.
42. I'm a terrible bowler.
43. When I was eight, I spent half the summer in record heat with two broken arms in plaster casts. 
44. I also broke my arm playing hockey when I was 14.
45. I don't like hockey.
46. My most favorite author is Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
47. I can't believe I just said "most-favorite."
48. I once failed high-school English. 
49. I wrote about it for the school newspaper.
50. I have six brothers --one of them is a twin.
51. I'm #6
52. My birthday is June 6th.
53. I don't go to church.
54. I watch the Packers on Sunday.
55. I'm not the anti-christ.
56. I read banned books.
57. I'm stuck on number 57.
58. I like Heinz ketchup on my burgers.
59. I'm addicted to Swedish fish. 
60. I like herring.
61. I once gave a speech in front of more than 1,500 people.
62. I was pretty damn nervous.
63. The speech inspired the bartender to finish school. 
64. I felt good about about that.
65. I can't dance.
66. My singing isn't so good either.
67. I love getting lost.
68. I'm a hopeless romantic.
69. I had fun in college.
70. I had a geology professor who never blinked.
71. I once thought he and I both blinked at the exact same time. 
72. I'm a fan of Stargate SG-1.
73. I'm ashamed to admit that too.
74. I like to go for walks.
75. I once walked home from a party 24 miles away.
76. I used to speak German.
77. I don't like the number 77.
78. I think Tony Mandarich (#77) was the worst thing to ever happen to Green Bay.
79. I think Brett Favre was the best.
80. I wish Jerry Rice could have played for Green Bay with Favre at QB.
81. I can't think of a football player with the number 81.
82. A friend of mine used to own a bar.
83. Sometimes I would go there just because I wanted someone else to control what I was watching on TV. 
84. I have great friends.
85. I play a mean game of foosball.
86. I have no respect for spinners.
87. I hope Randy Newman never stops writing songs.
88. I hope Keith Richards stops climbing trees.
89. I miss Lowell George, Warren Zevon and Rory Gallagher.
90. I can't believe there's only ten more to go.
91. I want to record an album someday.
92. I laughed like crazy when Reggie White threw Chris Carter at whoever the Vikings had at QB at the time.
93. I've only thrown one punch in my life so far. 
94. I think the world is a fascinating place.
95. I love to travel.
96. So far, my favorite spot in the world is Maria Alm, Austria. 
97. I'm currently reading Etgar Keret's book, The Nimrod Flipout.
98. I hate Karaoke.
99. I can't stand the phrase "know what I'm sayin'?"  
100. Finally...  I hope you're all smiling. 

    Well, there you have it.  Any questions?

 

See ya,

Dan

 

Tag: 100 Things

This sucks...

     I need a new Shop-Vac.  And, insofar as I'd love to tell you all that my old one expired by dramatically transforming from a once powerful vaccuum into a flaming heap of sucking and wheezing plastic slag, the truth is, I plugged it in, turned it on, and got nothing. 

    So, after wiggling the wires and taking it apart several times in several different ways (one of which included a hammer), I sadly realized that there was nothing more I could do for my beloved "Big Red."  In my heart, I knew that sucking little beast would rather have gone out trying to digest a four-by-eight sheet of drywall or emptying the cats' litter-box in scant seconds; however, in the end, like a character in a Hemingway novel, in spite of its glorious life of workshop machismo, it simply died quietly in its sleep.  And, outside, it rained. 

 

    Anyway, I have but ONE simple requirement for my next Shop-Vac: It must capable of sucking up and devouring the cap from a bottle of beer with as little fuss and protest as possible.  I don't know if this is a testimonial to my somewhat sketchy workshop ethics, or an effective litmus test for pure sucking power.   Nonetheless, it's clear that not only do I need a new Shop-Vac, I now need a six-pack of longnecks.  I love shopping!

 

    Now, after picking up the necessary six beers needed for this quality control endeavor, I came home and did something I rarely ever do, and have never done in persuit of the perfect piece of hardware:  Research!

    

    Getting down to business, I cracked open a bottle, crammed the cap into the pocket of my jeans and hopped online to gather information on my perfect little sucking machine.  Soon after scouring the Shop-Vac website, I found this little monster and my heart swelled, my head spun, and it was clear love was in the air.

 

    Not only can this puppy can suck-start a motorcycle, it can also move an unlimited quantity of water from the toilet to the bathtub with a simple flick of the switch and a garden hose.  It's a miracle!

 

    Imagine my sheer glee upon reading all the wonders of this little beast.  And, with beer in one hand and the mouse clicking happily away in the other, I came to the following and stared blankly at the screen before me like a traumatized fish:

 

        "Where to buy:  Wal-Mart."

 

    "How can this be?" I thought.  My beloved little helper is hidden like a damsel in distress somewhere inside the labyrinthine catacomb of Dante's 9th circle of consumer Hell. 

 

    Why couldn't it have said Wal-Mart & Sears?  Or, Wal-Mart & Ace?  Or even Wal-Mart & Louie's House of American Vaccuum Cleaners in Kyoto, Japan?  Why did it just have to say Wal-Mart and nothing else?

 

    Soon after, panic set in as I realized that I had only bought a meager six-beers, and it's going to take far more than that to get me through the doors of Wal-Mart.  I don't care if the Holy Grail is hidden somewhere between housewares and pet-clothes; the only way to even get me into the parking lot is if I am drunk and blindfolded with a bong hanging out of my mouth and a sucking chest-wound that needs immediate medical attention, and even then, that's iffy because the last thing I want is to be found dead in a Wal-Mart parking lot.  

 

      Fortunately, I have time, and there are several folks out there who owe me a favor or two.  Call me evil, but in this time of crisis, certain sacrifices must be made.  Oh yes!  I will soon find out who my true friends really are.   

Carniv Ay-Oh-El...

   Gadzooks!  I can't believe it's Tuesday already. 

   That can mean only one thing:  The new edition of CarnivAOL is out and ready for our greedy perusal. 

    I've read some of the entries included, and I think Paul did a really great job of putting it all together --in spite of an entry of mine (which entry, you ask?  Well, you'll just have to go there to find out).

See Ya,

Dee Pee

     

Dear God, Give Me the Oil I Need...

   So, what do creationists put in their gas tanks?

   Alright, this is my second time posting this odd little question.  The last time I posted it, I was neither happy with the wording, nor was I all that thrilled with the sudden inundation of emails telling me that there is simply no way the Earth can be more than five or ten-thousand years old, at best.  However, oddly, they all seem to end pretty much the same way:  "I will pray for you." 

    Then, they tell me that God put all the oil there for us to use, and I ask, "Why would God give us so little oil in one particular place that we have to kill each other for it?" 

    Strangely, as an answer, I haven't heard anything other than the ubiquitous "who are you to question God?  I will pray for you." 

    Don't get me wrong.  I respect all religious beliefs, and they do serve a purpose on the planet.  Sometimes, I wish I were wired to simply accept things on faith.  I think my day might be somewhat better if I could simply look at the sixty bucks I've rung up on the gas pump and think, "hmmm... God must not want me to eat or pay rent this month.  I guess I should stop stiffing the collection plate, huh?"

Church sign courtesy of Church Sign Generator