[The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind] Random Things.

It was forty-some-odd degrees when I woke up this morning (my god! Did I just say 'forty-some-odd." Next, I'll be bouncing around in the dirt on a John Deere).

Forty degrees is officially cold, and it's roughly the temperature where my mad survival instincts kick in. They do that you know.

I've been trained. I have a knife. And, most importantly, my neighbor has food, a fireplace, and a freakin' hot wife.

What?

These are Viking survival skills, people. I'm not some freakin' Les Stroud type where you could drop me in the woods and I'll make a condo out of boulders and bear shit. I take what's yours and make it mine. Like what they did with England --by the way, only someone from Scandinavia would conquer England for the freakin' weather. I can almost imagine how that conversation went:

Olaf: Fuck! It's snowing again!
Mrs. Olaf: Of course, you idiot. This is Norway.
Olaf: Where is it not snowing?
Mrs. Olaf: SoHo.
Olaf: Right. Off we go then.


Now, speaking of Sarah Palin...

Oh. Wait. I deleted that bit from above. Umm... Just replace Olaf with Sarah Palin, and Mrs. Olaf can be John McCain, and SoHo can be... well... Baltimore.

Anyway, speaking of Sarah Palin, the debates are on, and they are on like Donkey Kong (really always wanted or say that). That is, of course, unless Palin's programmers, in a fit of utter hopelessness smash their heads into the walls at the frustration of trying to get someone who, while Governor of Alaska, signed off on a Supreme Court decision not Roe v. Wade (that whole Exxon damages thing back in June) to name a Supreme Court decision other than Roe v. Wade (hint: Exxon v. Baker).

Or, maybe they already opened their veins and arteries and bled themselves like mutton after trying to get Sarah Palin, a journalist, to name a printed news source she's read.

Couric: And when it comes to establishing your worldview, I was curious, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read before you were tapped for this to stay informed and to understand the world?

Palin: I've read most of them, again with a great appreciation for the press, for the media.

Couric: What, specifically?

Palin: Um, all of them, any of them that have been in front of me all these years.

Couric: Can you name a few?

Palin: I have a vast variety of sources where we get our news, too. Alaska isn't a foreign country, where it's kind of suggested, "Wow, how could you keep in touch with what the rest of Washington, D.C., may be thinking when you live up there in Alaska?" Believe me, Alaska is like a microcosm of America.

Really, Sarah. I think you could have said you get your news from a copy of The Watchtower that someone left on your doorstep, and Katie would have been happy. But noooo... You rattled off into some sort of "everyone thumbs their noses at Alaska and blah blah blah..." pity party.

Listen lady! I've seen Deadliest Catch. I know what goes on in Alaska. You all catch crabs.

That came out wrong. I should have gone with the Jack London reference. But then I'd just wind up thinking that all Alaskans do nothing but claw the earth scrabbling for gold and freeze to death while waiting for their dogs to build a fire for them.

Nonetheless, the funny thing about the debate is that Joe Biden probably can't win. If he comes off as being nice to Palin, he's going to look patronizing, and that's going to play to Palin's perky, smiling, anti-intellectual Pikachu.

If Biden is short and tough with her, well... He might as well just stand there in a grease-stained wife beater shirt and flick lit Marlboros at her. And, let's face it, if you saw someone tossing lit cigarettes at Pikachu, what the fuck would you think?

Other than that, I think Biden's only option is to just stand there and let Palin hang herself. First, ask her an off-the-wall question. Ask her about what happened when the last volcano erupted in her state, and ask her what she did as governor to help those affected. Get her to name the volcano and the towns involved. If you can get Palin talking about specifics, she's liable to get frustrated and flustered because she is such an incurious woman, she doesn't know specific things.

Besides, Pikachu on a noose?

That's funny stuff, right there.

-DP

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Posted By Dan to The Wisdom of a Distracted Mind at 10/02/2008 11:11:00 AM