The Queen and the Toad.

   
    The Queen's in the house!
   
    And, this could very well be my favorite picture of all time.  It's just so perfect.  It's as if Queen Elizabeth II is telling our neckless VP to sit up straight and stop acting like such a freaking toad.  Man...  She looks pissed off, and Dick looks like he just wet his pants. 

    As for the weekend, apparently, Queen Elizabeth is heading to Churchill Downs to drink some Juleps and play the ponies.  Of course, she'll be kind of puzzled.  I mean, the first thought in her head may very well be: "How the hell am I supposed to win the trifecta when these damn horses keep running the wrong bloody way?" 
   
-DP

Ooo... Shiny head!

  

    I suppose I should get it out of the way before I share a little of the evening.

    Yes.  My  enormous melon head is indeed a hell of a lot shinier than  John Scalzi's (thus, now the door is opened for a little Monponsett love).   I don't get it.  I have a little more hair than he does, but my god man!  You could see my beacon of a nugget from space! 

    However, in my defense, my neighbor mowed his lawn, so the Benadryl for my allergies was nice.  Then the author's handler (who apparently knew me from somewhere), had trouble with the camera, the fans were piling up behind me like a frat-house kegger, and by the time this was snapped, the only thing on my mind was: "Take the damn picture!  He's probably just going to put horns on it, or tape bacon to me."

    Nonetheless, it was a really fun time catching up with the John Scalzi Tour.  He's a pretty engaging guy, and his style of reading to a crowd is both welcoming and quite comfortable.  Even an incessantly ringing phone wasn't enough to really pull him from the task at hand.  And, his reading from his upcoming novel The High Castle was enough to pique my interest to the point that I'm certain he can safely count on at least one person buying a copy.  From the little bit I heard, it sounds like yet another fun book to follow up the already fun read that is The Android's Dream. 

    Anyway, there are still some dates left on the tour.  So, if you get the chance, drop in and give the guy a listen.  It's actually quite a bit of fun.

Tags: Scalzi

A to Z Meme.

    Well, since Dawn went to all the trouble of tagging me, I suppose I have to take part in this quick, little blur of an alphabet meme. 

    Enjoy!

A-Available or Single?
    I suppose single...  I'm not really sure just how available I am.  I'm pretty busy, ya know.

B-Best Friend:
     My ex-girlfriend.  She knows my shoe size, and in my world, anyone willing to cling to such ridiculously useless information about me would have to be a damn good friend.
 
C-Cake or Pie: 
    How can I be expected to choose?  That's like trying to figure out which child you love best when your house is on fire. 

D-Drink of Choice:
    Currently, it's coffee.  I'm sure that will change by lunch.  
 
E-Essential Item(s):
     My laptop, a guitar pick and my Jeep.  Everything else is just baggage.

F- Favourite Colour(s):
    I really don't have one, but people always buy me things that are forest green.  So, I guess they think that's my favorite color. 

G- Gummy Bears or Worms? 
    I'm with Dawn on this one.  Red Gummy Bears, or anything sour enough to make my face implode.

H- Hometown:
    Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 

I- Indulgence:
    Pork products.  For example, if I could have mittens made out of ham, I'd probably enjoy winter a hell of a lot more.

J- January or February:
    What the...?  I suppose if you held a gun to my head, I'd say February since it's a winter month but shorter than normal.  Plus, February is only 28 days long, so I suppose it makes it the perfect rehab month. 

K- Kids:
    What about them?  They're small, they're needy, they're noisy, and sometimes they piss on the carpet.  I'd rather just get a co-dependent puppy.

L- Life is incomplete without:
    Air. 

M- Marriage Date:
    Is anyone free next Friday?  
 
N- Number of Siblings:
    I have six annoying brothers. 

O- Oranges or Apples?
    Ummm...  I...  don't...  know...

P- Phobias/Fears:
    Though he loves me, I fear Megatron.

Q- Favourite Quote:
    "No matter where you go, there you are."

R- Reasons to smile:
    Great sex.  A perfect ham sandwich.  A cold beer you don't have to pay for.  Etc..

S- Season:
    Whichever one doesn't require me to wear socks.

T- Tag Three: 
    Tag!  You're it, Three. 

U- Unknown Fact about Me:
     I've been doing this a very long time... 

V – Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals?
    You know, there are plants out there that eat meat.  So, really, can we just stop all this nonsense? 

W- Worst Habit(s):
    Boiling goats.

X – X-rays or Ultrasounds?:
    Hmm...  I've had both.  I think I prefer the x-rays.  But, then again, that whole MRI thing is pretty slick too.

Y- Your Favourite Foods:
     Anything deep-fried.

Z- Zodiac:
    Hogwash.  But, for the record, I'm a Gemini.  And, I have a twin brother.  So, don't mess with me you crystal-gripping hippies, or I'll turn you all into newts. 

This is "Unexcecpable."

   
    Courtesy of the New York Daily News comes a sweet, little story about a middle-school in Staten Island, plagued with chronic lunchroom food-fights, and their grammatically challenged Dean. 

    Apparently, Dean Michael Levy had seen enough of the chaos in his school's lunchroom and felt compelled to write a letter to the parents of his students.  Unfortunately, Mr. Levy failed to proofread what he'd written and sent the letter out chock full of delightful misspellings and completely shattered grammar. 

     On a personal note, if I ever received a letter from an educator written as poorly as Mr. Levy's, I think I'd force him to endure 7th Grade English class all over again.  

    Enjoy the irony folks. 

-DP

A Personal Note...

    This post is directed toward a delightful human being who wrote a nice, scathing email in response to my previous post.  Normally, I'd respond to such a pleasant missive personally; however, it would seem that I am unable to email this particular person. 

    Anyway, to you, dear friend (and you know who you are), I would just like to point out that though I find the country of France to be quite appealing, and in spite of the fact that my past travels there have been, overall, very pleasant, the idea of my moving there at this current time would be a logistical nightmare.  Not only is all my shit here in this country, it's not wired for 220.

    Thanks a bunch.

Your pal,
Dan

    That said, why is it that France seems to be the spot of choice for all these whacked out, misguided, pseudo-patriots to send those who criticize our president?  It's funny, really.  I mean, if someone wants to send me someplace to suffer until I keep my anti-gubmint rhetoric to a minimum, I figure a gulag in Siberia would probably do the trick.  After all, sending me to a country where they truly enjoy good food, good wine and a relaxed way of life is hardly a way to teach a guy like me any sort of lesson.   That's like saying "I hate you.  Now, here's a lifetime supply of chocolate cake and free beer."

    Anyway, since I'm ranting, what the hell is it with the hordes of religious folks hammering on my door the last couple of days?  There's been a surge in the various groups seeking to "save" me.  I worry that these groups will work both sides of my street on the same day and my little corner of Milwaukee will turn into a Midwest, holy-war with a pot-luck supper on Wednesday nights.

    Seriously...  Ages ago, over a game of Risk, God and I came to an understanding.  It's pretty simple really.  I don't believe in him and subsequently do not feel compelled to blame him for all the pissant, piddly nonsense that doesn't go my way.  And, in return, God gets Greenland. 

    Anyway, I think it's time for me to crash...  For those of you out there who can't sleep or are perhaps over-caffeinated, feel free to write and ramble either in the comments here or over at the somewhat quiet Gripe Line.

    Seriously, folks...  How are you? 

-DP

Loyalty Day?

    Wow.  It's May Day today, and I don't really care...

    I'm sorry, but that whole dancing around a pole thing just doesn't seem to suit me.  However, if I do suddenly find myself overcome with the urge to celebrate the holiday "old school," I'll pack my pockets full of dollar bills and take a quick jaunt over to the strip joint by the airport where they have a pole, and someone dances around it to the classic Tone Loc tune "Funky Cold Medina."  

    That's about as Medieval as I'd like to get today.  Besides, lutes and fifes are soooo pre-Magna Carta.

    One of the perks of May is that I no longer have to fear the snow, and I can actually cook dinner on the grill as opposed to trundling through the elements like a Sherpa risking hypothermia.

    On the other hand, one of the things which really irks me is when King Goerge, our blathering little infant of a President, issues a proclamation stating that today, May 1st, 2007 will now heretofore be referred to as "Loyalty Day."

"The Congress, by Public Law 85-529, as amended, has designated May 1 of each year as "Loyalty Day." This Loyalty Day, and throughout the year, I ask all Americans to join me in reaffirming our allegiance to our Nation.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim May 1, 2007, as Loyalty Day. I call upon the people of the United States to participate in this national observance and to display the flag of the United States on Loyalty Day as a symbol of pride in our Nation."

    Such a delight!  But, one thing:  can we just call it "Pointless Nationalism Promotion Day?"  You see, if you don't display a flag today, then obviously you are not "loyal" to America nor are you proud of our nation. 
   
    Here's the thing.  I am proud of our nation, but I am not proud of how it's being run by illiterate children.  In fact, as a result of the utter ineptitude of this bungling, corrupt administration, I am embarrassed to my core to call myself an American.  And, the fact that ouridiot in chief has the audacity to even mention the founding fathers (whose principles, hopes and wishes for this great nation he tramples upon every chance he gets) only angers and embarrasses me further. 
   
    We've become a nation whose citizens are kept hostage by fear and forced to show allegiance and loyalty not to a nation but to a coward of a man whose popularity is sinking to the point where even the tiniest display of false pride in his administration is seen as a positive thing in his eyes. 

    George Bush is not America, and any sort of loyalty TO George Bush is hardly loyalty to the America of our founding fathers nor the America we should strive to be.

-DP     

Tags: Loyalty Day

Ack... Allergies...

    Oops...

    Yesterday was a great day here.  The sun was shining, the weather was unusually warm, and with no snow or rain in the forecast, I raced out of my house to enjoy some of the gorgeous weather. 

    I worked in the garden by moving some stuff around while cleaning up all the dead plants that were too damn weak to survive the winter.  I even took my chainsaw to the dwindling old apple tree and lopped off as many dead branches as I could find. 

    After that nonsense, I joined the neighborhood chorus of lawn mowers by yanking mine to life, and I took a quick walk around the yard as though I was pushing a baby stroller filled with a comically gassy little infant.  And, when everything was all said and done, I cracked open a beer and admired my handiwork. 

    Nice.

    Then, I took a shower and somewhere between toweling off and getting dressed, I suddenly began to feel as though I had just bathed myself with smallpox soap and bird flu shampoo as my eyes began to get watery and my brain seemed to be pouring out of my nose.

    One of these days, spring will come, and I will actually remember that I do, in fact, have allergies.  And, I'll try to be more prepared with Kleenex and Benadryl (which should make the chainsaw work a little more interesting, I think).

    As it stands, I'm still getting used to the fact that I am allergic to something.  Right now, I've only had this problem for the last two or three years.  It's weird; I know.  What kind of person develops allergies when they are in their thirties? 

    On the plus side, as a result of feeling as though I spent the weekend French kissing disease-laden poultry in Thailand, I think I can honestly say, without a doubt, that winter in Wisconsin is officially over.  Sure, it may snow one or two times between now and August, but by-the-by, I think we Cheeseheads have turned a corner.  Huzzah!

    In other news, it's Sunday.  It's a day of shameless laziness, and the only thing on my agenda is to grab a beer and a box of Kleenex and hit the patio to absorb some of the sun.  I'm hoping you all had a great weekend, and if you haven't, well, there's still a bit of time before it ends. 

-DP