06/06/06

    Yes.  Today is my birthday.  38 years ago today, my twin and I were brought into this world.  For our family, that made Son #6 (me) and Son #7 (him). 

    So, I am the sixth son, born on the sixth day of the sixth month, and wouldn't you know it, I have absolutely no demonic powers whatsoever (the fact that George Bush doesn't spontaneously wet his pants on national TV is proof of this.  Then again, would anyone really turn to look at me if he actually DID wet his pants on TV today?  I think not).   

    The unfortunate thing is that there are those folks out there who seem to be thinking that today is the start of the end of the world.  So, in light of that, I woke up this morning and had cake for breakfast (and no.  It wasn't devil's food cake.  That joke's been played out).  If the world makes it to lunchtime, more cake.  In fact, I am going to be a maniacal, cake-eating, lunatic for the better part of the day today.  I don't care if a biblical plague of locusts descends upon the earth, I am going to have my cake dammit.  And, it will be good cake.  And, there will be much rejoicing.  Yay!

    Sure, I know today is just another day, and if you find any apocalyptic significance to this date, I recommend you spin over to Paul's blog to read up on the arbitrary nature of calendars.  I'd thank Paul for this effort, but, unfortunately, he's cowering in his "nucular" fallout shelter with a mountain of back bacon and a two-four of Molson. 

    Anyway, I'm off to enjoy the day today.  I hope you all have a good one, and thanks for all the birthday wishes. 

-Dan

Tag: 666

Communist Ties...

 

    A short time ago, as I was finishing up my delightful lunch of Chef Boyardee mini-ravioli (sometimes, I crave), my phone rang.

 

    "Hello," I said.

    "DAN!"  The very loud voice of my friend said after a long pause.  "Happy F#@%ing birthday!"

    "Thanks," I laughed.  "How are you?  What's new?"

    "Good," he yelled. "I'm in China.  It's like tomorrow here!"

    "What the hell are you doing in China?"  I asked as I found myself yelling back even though the connection seemed fine. 

    "Work!" He bellowed.  "Sucks!"

    "Bummer!"  I yelled.

    "Hey," he said after some unusally loud small-talk.  "What do you want for your birthday?"

    "What?" I shouted.  "Nothing!"

    "C'mon," he begged.  "What do you want?"

    "I don't know!"  I said as I tried to think of something China is known for, "heroin and nun-chucks." 

    "I'm serious!"

    "Surprise me!"

    "What?" He asked.

    "Surprise," I shouted realizing that we must be deaf from screaming at one another over a perfectly good telephone line. 

    "A tie?" He asked.  "Who the hell wants a tie from China?" 

 

    Eventually, I just gave up, and we settled on the fact that he will bring me a tie and possibly something Communist.  Still, I have to smile at the notion that both the Chinese and American government eavesdrop...  err..  "data miners" are probably sitting there thinking "My god, man.  What a couple of retards." 

 

    Who knows?  Perhaps they'll call one another and have a laugh.  Perhaps, in the time it took me to write this, fifteen new tie factories opened up in China.  One never knows these things, do they? 

 

-DP

I Hate Apricots!

    So, as a result of his dwindling approval ratings, President George now wants to play his long-held trump card by taking a step to pass legislation to "protect marriage" from all those "nasty" homosexuals who would like to have any number of more than a thousand rights which are kept away from them by the Civil Rights hording "moral" majority. 

    

    Personally, if I were gay, I'd be kind of pissed-off to see this half-witted quasi-cowboy playing politics with...  Wait!  I don't have to be gay to be pissed-off when I see someone enacting legislation designed to curtail the rights of honest, tax-paying American citizens based solely upon which gender they sleep with.  Even worse, and let's not bullshit around here, the bulk of this discrimination is founded upon a bastardized version of fundamental pseudo-Christian theology that has been used to justify petty, personal hatred, ignorance and fear.  And, correct me if I'm wrong here, but the last time we amended our precious Constitution upon a solely Christian principle, this country went to hell in a handbasket pretty damn quickly, and we were forced to drink whiskey from Canada while we watched crime and corruption in America sky-rocket. 

 

    Moreover, once you start forcing the principles of a single religion into our Constitution, you strip away our freedoms, and we will find ourselves no better than the religious extremists against whom we are fighting so damn hard.  I have a problem with this.  I don't think the U.S. Constitution should be used as a document to define who we can or cannot be attracted to.  It's a foundation for this country's rights and not a friggin' dating guide, ya know?

 

    If you think homosexuality is wrong, that's fine.  Personally, I think it's wrong, as well.  The thought of me smooching another man is really very disgusting to me.  However, that's just me, and I'd be a damn, small-minded idiot to think that everyone should live, think and feel exactly as I do.  For example, I don't like apricots.  Can we pass an amendment outlawing the sale and consumption of apricots?  I would feel much safer if we did that.  I have this fear that since apricot eating is legal, apricot lovers will force apricots on me when I don't want them.  I mean, I could just avoid places and things with apricots in them, but I really need a constitutional amendment to make me feel safe because I'm an ignorant, judgmental, apricot-hating, paranoid bastard. 

    

    Anyway, I've heard all the arguments, and received all the condemnations.  I've already been told to take my gay-loving, anti-American ass to France, but I'll probably wind up in Canada drinking bad whiskey and avoiding apricots.  It's closer, and the fishing there is better.

I'm a Mess...

 

   Hey!  Did you all know that today isn't Sunday?  

   Apparently, as a result of whooping it up at the Friday evening wedding, I am having a really hard time realizing today is Saturday.  It didn't exactly help either that there was some sort of NASCAR type race on earlier today, but from what I gather, it was the Busch League.  Still, it was more than enough to keep the illusion of Sunday alive.

    Seriously, earlier today, while thinking it was Sunday, I did all my laundry, I went grocery shopping, I made a couple of loaves of bread (I tend to do that on Sunday), and I was looking forward to sitting down tonight to watch Law & Order: Criminal Intent and waking up tomorrow to run to the post office and bank.  I got all my stuff together, and then Teeisme57 emailed me and reminded me that today was, in fact, Saturday.  So, thanks Tee! 

    The thing is, now I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do tomorrow since I seem to have gotten it all done today.  I have a feeling it'll be like living in Limbo. 

     Oh well...  Let's hope I can get this all sorted out soon.  My birthday's on Tuesday, and at this rate, I'll be celebrating it on Monday.  That normally wouldn't be a problem, but Monday is my brother Bill's birthday (he's #2 of 7) and not mine and my twin's (#'s 6 & 7 of 7). 

     Egads!  I'd better not think about this too hard.  Bad things could happen.  For all I know, I'll call my brother on HIS birthday and scold the hell out of him for not calling me on MY birthday.  And, I'm not sure, but I think family members tend to take those sorts of "episodes" into account when having a fellow family member institutionalized for his or her own safety. 

     Anyway, the moral of the story is that people really have no business scheduling their weddings on Fridays.  There really should be a law. 

-DP

And I Thought I Was Confused.

    I just took a quick look at my Technorati profile, and apparently, some pretty weird places seem to be linking to this journal. 

    First, somehow, in my post of a couple days ago titled, "Thanks Everyone..." someone somewhere thought I was talking about an "AOL-eminem listen music song" in Scandinavia, and decided to link to here.  Weird.  And, I'm trying not to think about it because I do still have a head problem this morning.

Thanks Everyone... by Aol eminem listen music song

     Then, I found this:

Ten Minutes of Wild Kingdom. by Recipes from the Night

     Now, according to their brief mission statement: "The aim is to post comments by real people (rather then the retailers) about their experiences with all of the different aspects within the kitchen," they seem to think that a blog containing the words "Cat," "trout" and "kitchen" qualifies my post as the day's best recipe.  I'm flattered...  honestly.  It's nice to know that out there are people who really just "get it" when it comes to what I'm trying to say here.

    Unfortunately, I also learned that if you write about a broken Shop-Vac and Wal-Mart, you wind up on a search site for porn. 

-DP

A Proclamation!

    Let the word go forth throughout the kingdom that whomever can remove the sword from my head will become King. 

    Now, I don't know if I should blame the Cabernet, the Champagne, the tap beer, or the fact that I think my twin brother was dancing on my head last night, but, right now, one thing is certain:  I seem to have had too much fun at last night's wedding, and now my Brain Gnomes seem to be taking out their steroid rage on the inside of my noggin (I know.  It's all my fault.  But, I'm stupid, so can ya really blame me?). 

    Aside from that, I don't like waking up in hotels.  I get so used to waking up in my own bed that when I open my eyes painfully early in this foreign world, it takes quite a long time for me to figure where I am.  Even worse, this room is an absolute cliche, and the artwork on the wall above the bed does nothing to make my head feel any better.  From what I can tell, it may be a painting of a barn, a garage or a duck.  Damn hotel cubism! 

     The good news?  I have a coffee maker in my room.  The bad news is that the coffee comes in a ridiculously tiny, pre-measured filter packet that makes a pot of hot, coffee-flavored water.  That's completely useless to me at this point of the morning. 

      On the other hand, when I checked in, I raided the housekeeper's cart, and  now I have five pre-measured packets of coffee crammed in the tiny little bin.  It's not too bad.  They stack up quite nicely.  It still makes a pretty darn weak excuse for a cup of coffee though. 

     Anyway, the wedding itself was absolutely gorgeous.  I've been to some weddings that have been completely overblown with all sorts of Disneyland-ish nonsense, but this was subdued and simple, and my niece looked beautiful.  It's pretty surreal seeing someone who, just the other day it seems, was crawling around in diapers, now getting married to a great guy who loves her very much. 

     Well, I hope you all manage to have a wonderful day.  I need to wrap this up and begin my quest to find doughnuts, bacon, eggs, chicken-fried steak, anything to eat.  I think I saw some cows on the drive over here.  Maybe I can track them down and sweet-talk one of them onto a plate with a side of toast. 

-DP

Welcome to Silly Town!

    It's Thursday.  So, soon my weekend will start with me closing up my Word program and getting ready to have a much-needed drink with a wonderful woman who occasionally pops into my journals to give my words a little read while she's chained to a desk with a phone glued to her head in a tedious office with only one working window.  The injustice of it all...

    I like pleasant strangers --even if they do sometimes send emails with jokes that leave a vapor trail over my head as a result of my utter lack of comprehension.  The thing is, anyone willing to take a bold step in an attempt to make this curious rascal smile is worth more than gold in my book. 

     Other than that, I've got my niece's wedding tomorrow.  I know.  You're right.  Tomorrow's Friday.  It's madness.  I'm simply not wired to process the significance of a blessed event when the usual Friday course of action is to belly up to a bowl of pretzels at happy hour, have a beer and do my best to forget about the previous week's insanity by talking to my crazy friends.  Church?  Friday?  What the...?  I seem to have found myself on the nutty train to silly town where people go out on dates on Thursday and go to weddings on Friday.  What's the point of Sundays in this screwed up little world?

     So, needless to say, it seems the weekend is kicking off with all the requisite silliness my life needs to keep me going for a while.   

-DP

P.S.  If this entry is poorly written or too brief, take it up with AOL's system folks who keep dumping me.  I'd email my complaint, but it seems that is also not functioning today.  Seems like our once pleasant "online community" has turned into tenement housing overlooking the information super-highway.